So I have been sweeping my floors and thinking again, sometimes not a good thing for me. (Not the sweeping, but the thinking) I have such a hard time waiting on the Lord. I can do it for a little while, and then I let my mind go too far ahead and I get impatient to know the answers and plans for the future. "Stay in the present!" I tell myself. "Focus on what you are to do today. Worry about your daily bread." That works temporarily, but I find myself back to the same place.
Something you need to know about me is that I am a planner. All of my life, I have had a plan and I have worked that plan. Furthermore, everything has always worked out according to my plan! I have always been determined enough to finish and succeed at whatever I have started, and blessed enough to have things work out too. Now, I have no plan. My old plan is gone and cannot be recovered. The plan I came up with right after Scott died did not work out, no matter how hard I tried to will it to. The lesson was, "Stop trying to plan and trust Me to lead you where you need to go." Life is topsie-turvey. Kind of a super scary thing for me. I know why my life is this way though, it is because God really wants to teach me to quit trusting exclusively on myself (or my husband) and to start trusting wholly in Him. He wants to grow my faith and trust in Him.
That trust is the last part of my will that I am clinging onto. It's like the story of the little girl at the top of the well that her daddy was digging. When she brought him his lunch, he asked her to throw it down into the darkness. He caught it and then asked her to jump, reassuring her that he would catch her. She could only hear his voice. She could not see him nor how deep the well was. All she had to go one was the prior experiences she had with her dad, and the fact that he had never let her down. That little girl is me. My Heavenly Father has never let me down, so why do I cling with butterflies in my stomach to the top of the well, reluctant to take that finally leap?
That is my musing today. I know I just need to have faith and trust. I know that, I really do! But it is the fear part that is overriding my faith. "Heavenly Father, I would really like... but I know that your way is better. Still I would like.... What if I miss a prompting and mess this whole thing up? What if I am too afraid to follow a prompting? What if I think I am doing the right things, but I am wrong and I make a big mistake?" So there is a little self-doubt in there with the fear. Fear and self-doubt are not emotions of the spirit, they are caused by Satan to confuse us and to paralyze us into inaction.
So it's back to the drawing board again, or should I say, back to my knees. I need to be reminded and reassured of everything I have felt to be true. Reassured to be patient and to wait on the Lord. Reassured that he is in the drivers seat, and although I do not know the route that we are taking, I am assured of the destination. Maybe also time for a little more of my THEME SONG, or a reminder from the scriptures...
Sometimes we just have to remember that His promises are sure and that He will take care of us and mold us if we simply trust in Him and turn our will over to Him.
1 Corinthians 2:9. " Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that Love Him."
"God loves us, He is good, He is our father. God expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give up and not panic and not retreat and not jump ship when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path, and we will live to fall in his arm and feel his embrace and hear him say, "I told you that it would be okay I told you that it would be alright." - Jeffery R Holland