Monday, November 26, 2012

A life void of trials would be one void of growth: Written 2 weeks after the accident

Fear of Trials and Difficulties can be Crippling...

"A life void of trials would be one void of growth. Trials take a rough hewn stone and polish it smooth and brilliant.  We want to be brilliant, yet we desperately desire to avoid the painful and uncomfortable process of getting there. I have found that accepting pain, hurt, and difficulties as learning experiences has given those struggles a purpose and an end result.  This enables me to learn, accept and move through them.  Fighting against the polishing only makes it take longer.  Accepting it as the will of God, allows Him to help me get through it." - May 5, 2014

November 25, 2012

After we finished medical school, I found myself living the life we had always dreamed of.  We had four healthy children, a beautiful new house, brand new furniture, new cars, and my husband had his dream job.  

Everything had worked out just like we had planned.

I should have been happy and fulfilled... 

but I was not.

I felt a heavy weight on my heart.

I felt the doom of an impending trial.  

I became consumed with the fear that my fairytale world would crumble apart.  I desperately did not want to give up all that I had worked for and sacrificed for so long to acquire.

I remember a time when  I was visiting a good friend and in desperation I finally asked her, 

"Do you think it is possible to be righteousness enough to avoid trials?"

I remember her response, and it helped me to understand the purpose and importance of 
trials in our lives...
 How they teach us, 
shape us, 
refine us and,
help us to be the kind of people our Heavenly Father wants us to become 
I wanted so desperately to avoid the big trial that I felt was coming my way.
That conversation helped me to understand that I needed to go through it.

Remembering that has helped me these past two weeks. 

I am grateful for that conversation that occurred almost 10 years ago.  My friend did not know the impact that she would later make on my life.  I have been touched by how many people have come forward with things that Scott did for them or said that really made an impact on them. I know he often felt discouraged because he thought he wasn't making a difference. These experiences have taught me that we never know the impact we can make, so we need to do all we can to reach out to other people and follow the spirit when it prompts us to act or say something. This has taught me to stop being afraid and to just reach out.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

My Thoughts After the Funeral: Nov 16-25, 2012

Excerpts from face book posts the first two weeks after the accident...

At 18 months I went back and read these entries.  Knowing the emotional struggle that was to come, it is amazing for me to see how much I was LIFTED, ENABLED, and CARRIED through the initial shock of Scott's death.  I understand now how much he was allowed to be present.  I remember our home feeling like a sacred place... it was as if we were surrounded in a bubble of light... I'm so grateful that the day of the accident, I chose to turn to the light.

Nov 16, 2012 (6 days after the accident)
"My children are my best friends and my boys my pillar of strength."

"We are driving to Omaha for Scott's funeral and we just passed Kansas City. What an amazing journey this has been and continues to be. 

The sweet peace of the gospel has comforted 
our saddened hearts. 

The memorial service in Springfield last night reflected who Scott is and shared his feelings about the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Tender mercies have been bestowed upon me and my children and we have grown in unimaginable ways... ways 
that could have never happened without this experience. 

Truly the Savior's atonement takes away the sting of death 
and fills us with hope, love and direction.

Thank you for your prayers and feelings of sympathy. You have followed the savior and mourned with those that mourn and stood with us who were in need of comfort. May The Lord bless you for your compassion and love. Continue to pray for us."

Nov 24, 2012
We are just leaving the cemetery this morning.  Another hard hurdle over. We are going to the temple later this afternoon. Tomorrow we will head home. 

It is amazing to me the peace the gospel of Jesus Christ brings to me. So many people in my situation would feel utter dispair and emptiness... that all was over and their love one was no more.

All I felt was comfort..,
The sweet assurance that Scott was still the head of our family. 
That as I listen to the Holy Spirit, he will be able to lead and guide us  
That he is still there and that we will be together again as a family if we will all try to do what's right and keep our covenants.

Nov 25, 2012

Sure glad I have my kids and the assurance that we will all be together again some day. 

I went to the temple Tuesday night and took the boys yesterday. 

It was good to feel the spirit there and be reminded of what is important...
 family and doing what is right.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Before the Accident

I think God has a way of preparing us for really hard trials... 

I know that He has promised that He will not give us more than we can handle, and sometimes, I think He helps us handle things through spiritual promptings.  

If we are listening, 
those promptings can become
 tender mercies later on down the road.

Scott and his dad had been at a Mercedes driving class in California since Wednesday.  The class finished Saturday night. They were to fly to Omaha, spend the night, and then Scott was going to fly home Sunday morning.  That Saturday night was a warm November evening, and so I asked my kids what they wanted to do.  Unanimously, they announced that they wanted to walk the Galloway trail together and get ice cream.  This was something I had done with my four children frequently for the past several summers.  

As we walked I watched my children as if from a distant place...

I remember feeling so peaceful and happy.  They were skipping and goofing off, and I thought how lucky I was to have 3 teenage boys and a preteen daughter who were content and happy to spend their Saturday night with their mother and siblings.  The thought came clearly in my mind, 

“If something happened to Scott, you would be okay.
   You could be happy.  This would be enough.”  

I brushed it aside, thinking nothing of it...  

When we got back to the car, my husband had texted... 

“luv u, taxing.” 

It was only a short while later that the plane crashed.., 

but I didn’t find out about it until the next morning.  

When my mother-in-law called to tell me they had not landed in Omaha, 
immediately I remembered the prompting that had come
 into my mind the night before.  

I knew that the Lord prepared me for that moment.  

I knew they were both gone.

For a brief instant, I was faced with a choice...  

There was a dark easy way. I could see myself crumbling and falling apart. I saw family stepping in to take care of my responsibilities, I knew I could just quit and shut down. But then I could see the destruction that would happen to my children, and I knew that there would be no escape from that path. 

Then I turned my thoughts to the light, and just that quickly the choice was made. 

I began thinking of how I would tell my children, how I would gather them around me and tell them that their dad, their hero, would not be coming home.  I knew what I needed to do, and so...

when we found the article on the internet that confirmed my fears, we immediately knelt together in each others arms and prayed.  

I didn’t pray...
for them to be safe, for it to be a mistake, for some kind of miracle to save them.  

I prayed...
that we could have peace, understanding, and acceptance. 

I prayed... 
that we would have direction andthat Scott will still be allowed to influence us andthat we would be able to feel his presence. 

I prayed...
for the ability to cope and get through this difficult trial until we could be reunited as a family again.  

It was a day filled with shock and disbelief, but it was also a day filled with peace

Peace that was possible because 
I had been prepared to turn immediately to the Lord.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.