To Save My Life

This morning I was making cookies and listening to a new book on tape. A story from that book spoke to me in such a deep and profound way. The author tells of a young pioneer girl being rescued from a stranded handcart company trying to go west far too late in the season. They had suffered immensely, starvation, exposure, and even death. The rescuers brought food and clothing, but they did not have the wagons to carry all of the surviving handcart members. Anyone who was able was required to walk next to the wagons carrying the sick. Several of the children decided to run in an attempt to get invited to ride in a wagon. One by one the children dropped out, and one girl remained determined in her course. The wagon driver asked her if she wanted a ride. When she replied yes, he took her hand, but instead swinging her up into the wagon, he signaled for the horses to speed up. A little confused, she ran for what she described as several miles, and in the running she thought for sure that this driver was the meanest person that she had ever met. Then just as her strength was about to give out, he scooped her up in a blanket, all warm from her exertion, and settled her into the base of the wagon. Later she realized that this driver had saved her from freezing; he had saved her life.

The story brought tears to my eyes as I saw myself as that little girl, running with all the strength I could muster, feeling for certain that any moment my legs were going to give out, wondering why He doesn't just pick me up and put me in the wagon. Then just as clearly as I saw that picture in my mind I heard words to accompany it, "I'm making you run to save your life."

Rarely has such a simple phrase so deeply impressed my heart, and I began to sob right there in my kitchen with my hands covered in cookie dough. Finally an answer, when I have been struggling, feeling so very inadequate and tired. A purpose to my running.

Why is it when we have already been knocked down that sometimes additional adversity comes? Why is it even when we are determined to do good and right, that we feel that we are being made to run to the point of exhaustion while others may ride in the wagon?

We hear the phrase, "Life isn't fair," and that supposed to make us feel better about injustices and inequality. But maybe "fair" isn't the point. Maybe God sees in us something He can cultivate, something that's worth extra expenditure of energy to achieve, and so He pushes us. He pushes us even though we want to give up, even though we may think He is mean. He pushes us right to our breaking point, so that we can see what we are made of, so that He can bring out something that may very well save our life in a spiritual sense.

That was my answer today, and it gave me some hope. It gave me a reason to refocus my running, to not think about giving up. Someday, He may scoop me up and let me ride for time in the wagon, but there will be additional hardships ahead. The journey is far from over. He knows that I'm not done running. So each of these experiences He gives me strengthens me, keeping me warm and ready for the next run.

Today I see a little bit more purpose in my suffering. If I can just keep this picture and feeling in my heart, the running will be so much easier. So I share this with you today, in hopes that it will create in you, you're own little vision, your own hope, your own feeling of purpose to the adversity you are facing. Don't drop out! Don't stop running, the running is what will save your life.

Questions To Ponder:

How is persevering through your trials making you a better person?


Story from Hafen, Bruce C. "A Contrite Spirit."

The Pain of Sacrifice Lasts only for a Moment

Remembering this quote in those pivotal moments has often given me the extra energy to make a correct decision or to push through a period of trial or suffering. It is helps me to be patient with the learning process that involves the sacrifice of things that I want right now. 

The pain of sacrifice last only for a moment....

Then that moment is gone... 

It's in the past.

Whatever pleasure I would have taken from the indulgence is over as well.

This relates to so many areas, but I see this a lot in my daily exercise.  
When I'm working out that hour is hard... 

I'm tired...

I hurt...

But when it's over, I'm so glad that I did it! The pain is in the past; however, the rewards are in the future. 

Giving up the pleasure involved in what we want now in favor of sacrificing for what we want in the future is key to growth. 

When we finally realize that sacrifice does not last forever... 

that we can do anything for a fixed period of time... 

then the temptation to give up diminishes.  

We can develop a resolve to push through the period of sacrifice and to obtain the long-term blessings. Some efforts in our life are late harvests. 

I have found those efforts yield the sweetest fruit.

Waiting, sacrificing, suffering, and working until that harvest time takes patience, faith and trust in God, but it always yield amazing results. 

I am going to suggest something that on the surface seems completely backwards and crazy...

but...

hear me out, 

trust me, 

I promise it works!

If you will honestly and sincerely try it out, I promise you that you will see results.  

The next time you really feel down and are suffering, instead of "taking a break" or doing something for yourself like having a bowl of Ice cream or going shopping, sacrifice something new for a whole day.
   
Here is the principle that I have learned to be true...

Turning away from self opens you to receiving

 peace and light from God. 

Yesterday, after teaching my early morning class, I just felt blaaaah.  Just blue and sad and lousy.  I tried reading my scriptures like I normally do. I went to lunch with a friend and tried to cheer her up, but nothing was changing my mood. These are the things that I have learned to do regularly to keep that feeling of peace with me, but for some reason, yesterday peace was alluding me.  I racked my brain to see if there was something that I had done wrong that was causing the withdrawal of this feeling of peace.  I checked my motivations, my desires, my behavior and I couldn't really find anything.  I prayed and I asked God to forgive me and to show me what I needed to change.  I thought about those things again and nothing major came to mind.  Then very quietly the thought came, you should fast.  

(For me, fasting is going without food and water for 24 hours.  I also try to devote more time to spiritual study during this period.  Fasting is very helpful in quieting my thoughts and subduing my desires so I can better be in tune with the Lord.)

But I had just fasted 2 days before, so I immediately tried to rationalize that thought away.  Even so, I didn't eat or drink anything after lunch.  I continued arguing with myself about whether or not this idea was an actual prompting of the spirit. I called a friend and she suggested that maybe it was just "a bad day."  But that just didn't settle right.  I was still in a bad place when I picked my kids up from school, and so with no other recourse to change how I was feeling, I decided that it wouldn't kill me to follow that thought. 

"Sacrifice only lasts for a moment...." 

or for less than 24 hours in this case.  

I told my kids that they were on their own for dinner and spent last night working on my seminary lessons and studying.  We had our family night lesson and family prayers.  I didn't feel relief immediately, but before bed I noticed a slight difference.  This morning my lesson went amazingly well.  I had great conversations with two of my students discussing the lesson, and this whole blog post came while I was doing inclines on my tredmill. 

"The pain of sacrifice lasts for a moment." 

The connection was back,

the peace was back,

and all it took was me humbling myself before God, asking Him what I was to change and then doing it.  

In the end, choosing to turn away from self by sacrificing gave me the peace I desired, plus a whole bunch of new understanding that I hope will not only benefit me, but many of you.

That help comes because we are turning away

 from self-pity and towards Him. 

It comes because we are using a trial as

 an opportunity for growth. 

So look out for an opportunity to try this out.  You may not be sacrificing food; maybe it will be tv or social media, maybe it will be a bad habit, but as you sacrifice, replace that thing or time with turning more to God.  Replace it with prayer, scripture study, service to others, quality one-on-one time with your kids. See if this helps you get through those hard times. 

I would love for you to share your experiences with this, so please post back.  

Picking Back Up My Burden

Picking Back Up My Burden

Backpacking with Cooper a month before he left for Ecuador

After my second son Cooper left on Wednesday, I came home and had to pick back up my burden of sadness.  The last two days before he left were wonderful... God had let me place that burden on Him for that time.  I was enabled and it was easy and happy, but now it is time for me to learn to carry it again.

I have been thinking a lot about this...

trying to understand why sometimes we are carried, 

and why at other times we feel more of the load. 

Teaching Cooper to ride a bike

On my run this morning, my thoughts were carried back to the process of teaching my last son to ride a bike...

At first I let him use training wheels.  He learned to steer and how to peddle... how to brake and how to start to balance. When he was zipping around fairly confidently, I raised the training wheels.  At first,  he complained that the bike felt unstable.  I told him to just ride like he normally did.  I showed him how the training wheels would eventually catch him if he wobbled too far to either side.  With renewed faith in the training wheels, he began to gain his confidence again as he was able to correct his balance prior to the training wheel catching him.  

After a few more weeks of practice, the socket set came out and the training wheels were removed.  Wide eyed and with apprehension clearly showing on his face, he mounted the bike.  I promised that I would hold on to the seat of his bike and run beside him.  As we started, he kept turning around to see if I was still holding on like I had promised.  Each time he checked, he swerved his bike.  I told him to trust me and to focus on the road ahead.  I told him to keep doing everything he had been doing before.  

As his began to have faith in my ability to protect him from a fall, he began to focus again on riding the bike.  Soon I was running along side, offering words of encouragement.  I felt him regain control of his balance.  My hand was still on the bike, yet I knew he was no longer relying on me.  Gradually I let go of the seat, checking to see if he was stable on his own.  I kept my hand very near so that I could catch him in an emergency, and so that he did not know that I had let go.  He continued to ride on his own.  Then a wobble came and I reach up to correct the bike before he completely lost control.  

"Mom!"  He replied, "You weren't holding on!"

To his accusation I responded, 

"But I was right there, and I caught you when you needed me."  Then I encouraged him, "You were riding on your own! Let's try again."

Again he mounted the bike, and we started by me holding on.  He gained momentum and soon I was running along side, yelling ,

"You're doing it!  You're doing it!"  

My son's face beamed with confidence and he pulled out of ahead of my stride.

We cannot ride forever with training wheels.  We cannot ride forever with our mother or father holding on to the seat.  Eventually the goal is to learn to ride the bike on our own.

Cooper and his dad after success!          .       

Then my mind went to the last bike ride we went on as a family....

I was feeling the burden of sadness that day as well.  As we biked I thought about the process of going up the hills and then coasting down. One particular hill was quite long and my legs were beginning to burn as I near the top.  I saw the parallels between my climb and the sadness I felt.  As I crested the hill and began to peddle down, I was struck by the ease of the downward travel...

           Speeding along... 

covering more distance with little effort. 

Cooper and Eric on our family bike ride

I saw a pattern... that times of struggle and greater effort where covering distance seemed to be slow and exhausting were always followed by period of enablement where covering the distance seemed easy.  As much as I wanted to ride downhill all of the time, I knew it was the uphill battles that increased my endurance and strengthened my muscles allowing me to travel further and faster in the future.



Then I thought of my current run...

I was about half way done with the loop around the island and my legs were beginning to tire.  My emotional state coupled with my tired muscles made we want to throw in the towel and just walk the rest.  
The thought came to my mind... 

                             "Don't give up yet... 

you still have more in you.

  

It's the part you run past the point when you want to give up that makes you stronger."

"I still have more in me..."

I was feeling emotionally tired and I wanted to throw in the emotional towel and be done.... 

"Carry me for a while,  I'm tired..." I plead

The response was clear, "Don't give up yet... you still have more in you... It's the part you endure that makes you stronger."

I decided to push myself instead of walking.  

I don't know why... 

maybe just to prove to myself that my spirit was stronger than my body,

that my will could be stronger than my feelings.

I ran until a cramp in my side left me gasping for air.  I walked the cramp off with my arms up in the air and then finished running the final stretch.

Three experiences all tied together and rolled into one...

(Life has lots of patterns that can teach you lessons if you are looking carefully.)

This is the way I see growth....

• We STRUGGLE with a new situation or problem.
• As we turn to God for help and seek for answers and understanding, we begin to GROW.
• Because we are asking, we RECEIVE BLESSINGS and help from God to move forward. 
• Obedience is easy when we are enabled and BASKING in that light and those blessings.
• Then comes greater OPPOSITION, extra burdens may be placed on us to test what we have learned and to see if we can continue to be obedient even with added resistance.
• We may feel some of that HELP, Spirit, light or enablement LESSEN as His hand is removed from the seat.
• If we REMAIN FAITHFUL and keep pushing up the hill, past the point where we want to give up, we climb to a NEW SPIRITUAL HEIGHT and we are back to receiving blessings and the process starts again.

If we continue in faith, knowing that the hill will end and that the down hill will come, this become a way to grow... 

"grace for grace"- John 1:16

We move forward climbing a hill and coasting down then climbing another.

If we give up, if we don't push through, then later we find ourselves back trying to learn the same lesson again.  The cycle of repeating the same lesson can be a painful one, but eventually we learn to continue through and growth comes.  It just takes a lot longer.

When I am on that upward climb, when I am tired and want to give up, when I feel that hand release and I feel afraid that I will fall, I have to remember....

• Hills don't last forever
• I am stronger than I think
• I have learned what to do, I just have to keep doing it even when it is hard
• The downhill will come if I continue to climb.

It is easy to be good and do good in the light,

  the test is can I still do it when it is dark and hard.

Q: Will I press forward with faith and hope for the reward in store?

A: a resounding yes!

Lessons in Patience

Lessons in Patience

The past 15 months has taught me that there is nothing like a big trial to teach your patience!  

An interesting study about the effects of the ability to patience.

A clip from Elder Uchtdorf's talk "Continue in Patience""

Waiting Can Be Hard

Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

I remember when my husband died I so desperately wanted to know and have so many things fixed.

What happened with the accident?  

What is the purpose of this trial? 

How will I continue on?  

What will my life look like now in the future?  

What should I do now?

These were the questions that plagued my mind and troubled my thoughts.  I desperately wanted answers, and I wanted them RIGHT NOW!  How could God deny me answers?  After all, He had taken my husband.

Fifteen months later I look at my life.  Holy cow! It is nothing like I envisioned it to be. I would have never guessed the things that would transpire or that things that would now be in the works. That's not bad either; in fact, I think it is turning out much better than my plan would have anyway.

However, back then I wouldn't have been able to accept all of this.  I wasn't ready yet.  Time and experience and study had to carve out a place in my heart for change and acceptance.  I had growing to do first before I was ready for answers.

Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.

 If we, as God's children are ever going to mature and reach our potential,

 we must learn to wait.  

For it is in that waiting that we grow and mature.

Patience Isn’t Merely Waiting

If we are simply sitting in the mud, then we aren't going anywhere!  There were days, especially early one when I wanted to just sit in the mud and cry out that life was just not fair.  (Which, by the way is t

Wanting Someone to Just Fix it for Me

Wanting Someone to Just Fix it for Me

My Oldest Son and His Parrot Scarlet

May 5, 2013

I had a hard week this week...

Scarlet, my oldest son's 10-year-old parrot, 

died 

and I wasn't there.

I was on the way back from St. Louis after speaking at my niece's baptism.  I was so torn about leaving when we realized she wasn't well. I felt pulled between my duty to be a mother and support to my son and to fulfill my commitment to my sister to speak.

  
Looking back... 

I knew his parrot wasn't going to make it. 

I knew that my son needed to be there, but not alone, so I left another son with him. 

I knew we needed to do all we could for her so my son would feel at peace. 

I also knew, despite my desire to stay, that he needed to do this without me.  

As a parent it is so hard to watch your child suffer 

and not be able to fix it for him. 

Even though I know that an inevitable part of life is experiencing pain, and that valuable lessons and experiences are gleaned from this, it was heart wrenching to helplessly stand by and allow it to happen. 

I suppose that is how God feels as He watches each of us, his children, suffer.   

I think my husband feels that way too... watching, hurting for us, but having to let us go through it, and not being able to just fix it. 

Many times this week I have just wanted God,

my husband, or just someone to fix it.  

It seems like nothing goes smoothly or easily.  

Ever step is an emotional, mental, or physical struggle. 

I feel overburdened, and stretched too thin.  

But even as I feel that way, I cannot deny...

 I have felt His strengthening power every time I have asked for it. 

Without the moments of despair I could not see the lifting. I would not have noticed the angels bearing me up along the way.

My thoughts are drawn to Faith....

Learning how to strengthen, and extend my faith. 

Learning how to endure and not falter in my faith. 

I have said to myself at times, 

"Okay, I think maybe I have this thing figured out."

Then something else happens, and I falter and struggle and learn the same lesson again. I find myself frustrated and chewing myself out for not getting it right the first time.  The response that has come to me is, 

"You may have learned the lesson once, but to internalize it and make it part of your character you have to experience it over and over again." 

Only through repeated exercises do my muscles become stronger. 

Only by reaching with faith, past the point I thought I was capable, do I strengthen my faith and my resolve to keep my will in line with the God's will. 

Learning to subject my will and trust completely in The Lord is a long process that takes much practice.  

I find myself trying to sort through and all of these thought and feelings I find swirling in my head.  How do I figure it all out...

• Not knowing how the story is going to be played out.
• Holding out for the happy ending I have been promised.  
• Feeling that this life is so long.
• Wondering if I will ever be happy again.  
• Hoping that I don't have to be miserable and alone for the whole time.  
• Scared that being with someone else will only make me more miserable and cause more problems with family.  
• Wishing I could trade places with Scott or at least get to him faster.
• Wanting the accelerated version of all of this.
• Just wanting it done and over.
• Fearing that when it is over that I will still feel this way. 

These are the thoughts that bring on despair and that are contrary to faith.  These are the thoughts without answers that I fight, and that I try to work out in my mind. I want to find solutions so I can be comfortable with the future. I find myself earnestly seeking spiritual inspiration and direction so that I have something to direct my hope towards. But in the meantime, while I am waiting for those answers, I know that I have to have faith that the original plan, formed by God, is better than my new mortal one.

Ultimately, I am learning to relinquish 

my desire for control and rely on The Lord. 

Waiting on the Lord is a hard thing to learn.