Sunday, May 5, 2013

Wanting Someone to Just Fix it for Me

Wanting Someone to Just Fix it for Me

My Oldest Son and His Parrot Scarlet

May 5, 2013

I had a hard week this week...

Scarlet, my oldest son's 10-year-old parrot, 
and I wasn't there.

I was on the way back from St. Louis after speaking at my niece's baptism.  I was so torn about leaving when we realized she wasn't well. I felt pulled between my duty to be a mother and support to my son and to fulfill my commitment to my sister to speak.
Looking back..
I knew his parrot wasn't going to make it. 
I knew that my son needed to be there, but not alone, so I left another son with him. 
I knew we needed to do all we could for her so my son would feel at peace. 
I also knew, despite my desire to stay, that he needed to do this without me.  

As a parent it is so hard to watch your child suffer 
and not be able to fix it for him. 

Even though I know that an inevitable part of life is experiencing pain, and that valuable lessons and experiences are gleaned from this, it was heart wrenching to helplessly stand by and allow it to happen. 

I suppose that is how God feels as He watches each of us, his children, suffer.   

I think my husband feels that way too... watching, hurting for us, but having to let us go through it, and not being able to just fix it. 

Many times this week I have just wanted God,
my husband, or just someone to fix it.  

It seems like nothing goes smoothly or easily.  
Ever step is an emotional, mental, or physical struggle
I feel overburdened, and stretched too thin.  

But even as I feel that way, I cannot deny...
 I have felt His strengthening power every time I have asked for it. 

Without the moments of despair I could not see the lifting. I would not have noticed the angels bearing me up along the way.

My thoughts are drawn to Faith....
Learning how to strengthen, and extend my faith. 
Learning how to endure and not falter in my faith. 

I have said to myself at times, 
"Okay, I think maybe I have this thing figured out."
Then something else happens, and I falter and struggle and learn the same lesson again. I find myself frustrated and chewing myself out for not getting it right the first time.  The response that has come to me is, 
"You may have learned the lesson once, but to internalize it and make it part of your character you have to experience it over and over again." 
Only through repeated exercises do my muscles become stronger. 

Only by reaching with faith, past the point I thought I was capable, do I strengthen my faith and my resolve to keep my will in line with the God's will. 

Learning to subject my will and trust completely in The Lord is a long process that takes much practice.  

I find myself trying to sort through and all of these thought and feelings I find swirling in my head.  How do I figure it all out...
  • Not knowing how the story is going to be played out.
  • Holding out for the happy ending I have been promised.  
  • Feeling that this life is so long.
  • Wondering if I will ever be happy again.  
  • Hoping that I don't have to be miserable and alone for the whole time.  
  • Scared that being with someone else will only make me more miserable and cause more problems with family.  
  • Wishing I could trade places with Scott or at least get to him faster.
  • Wanting the accelerated version of all of this.
  • Just wanting it done and over.
  • Fearing that when it is over that I will still feel this way. 
These are the thoughts that bring on despair and that are contrary to faith.  These are the thoughts without answers that I fight, and that I try to work out in my mind. I want to find solutions so I can be comfortable with the future. I find myself earnestly seeking spiritual inspiration and direction so that I have something to direct my hope towards. But in the meantime, while I am waiting for those answers, I know that I have to have faith that the original plan, formed by God, is better than my new mortal one.

Ultimately, I am learning to relinquish 
my desire for control and rely on The Lord. 

Waiting on the Lord is a hard thing to learn.