Battling the Dark

Some days I really work hard to fight the darkness.  The other morning was one of those days. 5:15 AM the alarm sounded. My early morning bible study class started in a hour, yet this dark forbidding blanket enveloped me.  I uttered a quick prayer as I rolled out of bed and my feet hit the cold tile bathroom floor.  "Please, Heavenly Father, I have to feel the spirit to teach... please... help the darkness to go away."  As I brushed my teeth and starred blankly into the mirror, I kept rehearsing that prayer in my mind. At that moment all I felt like doing was crying, but determined not to let the darkness control me, I kept moving forward.

After breakfast, morning prayers and scriptures with my two teens, I was in the car by 6:00.  "Please, help me today,”  I repeated as I drove down the dark unlit country road, still feeling that oppressive feeling. 

Is there something I have done to bring this darkness on?  

Why do I need to suffer through this again?  

These were the questions swirling through my mind during the drive. "Please, help me to feel the spirit.  Help me to teach today." I hustled into the church building to set up my class.  With a smile on my face, I greeted my first student.  The darkness miraculously left and I was able to teach. However, later at the store, I felt the darkness settle back in.  I sighed and just kept moving.

One of the regular cashiers, who knew about my husband’s death, noticed my expression and asked me how I was doing. I just couldn't help it, right there in the store, I broke down and cried.  The words just spilled out of my mouth, toppling over one another,  "This is just a really hard time of year for me..."

After 10 minutes of empathizing and a hug, I headed to my car. During the drive home, I cried, not just tears but gasping sobs.  Try as I might, I couldn't make myself stop.  The weight of the darkness was so oppressive that I literally wanted to crumble to the floor.

As I sobbed, I worked to put the groceries away and get ready for my morning service project.  The more I sobbed the more angry I got... not at God, or the people responsible for the accident, but at the darkness.  I was sick and tired of having this overwhelming, oppressive feeling come over me.  I was tired of being hounded and thwarted when I was trying to focus my life on doing good.

So I let the darkness have it! Right there in my house I screamed out to this dark unseen force that we bent on ruining my day.

"I don't care what you do... how hard you try... you are not going to win!  I am not listening to you!  In fact… I'm going to do more good today than you can imagine! You picked the wrong girl to mess with!”

I stood again in front of the mirror starring at a very different face.  The eyes were not darkened with sadness... they were are on fire with determination.

I cheerfully pitched in at the service project. Afterwards I met up with a former student. As I listened to him tell me about his recent struggles with feeling the darkness, I knew exactly what to say.  The words just flowed and my experience fit perfectly. The spirit was there.  We both felt it.  A smile crept on my face as I watched him leave. Not only was the darkness gone, but I felt incredible, amazing light!

It was all so clear to me now. I knew why the darkness had attacked me and tried to thwart the good I would do today, and I had won.

We don't like to think about the unseen forces of evil in this world, but they are real. They exist, and we have to face them. The darkness has power but not more than what we give it. It only wins when we give up and choose not to actively fight against it. 

There are time when we are lifted and protected, when we are cradled by the light, but there are also times when God in his wisdom pulls back and lets us feel the dark. Those times are temporary, and if we keep asking for help and moving forward, the light always returns and banishes the dark.  

God is there to help us fight our battles.  He will come, but he will also let us learn how to fight.  He gives us light and strength so that we can learn to be powerfully on His side.

Today was a temporary win.  The darkness will return, but each time I overcome it, I get stronger for the next encounter. God lets me grow in confidence and faith and bit by bit into the person He wants me to become.

Questions to Ponder:

1. How will you respond when you feel the dark?

2. What are the steps to overcome and feel the light again?

Finding Joy among the Crashing Waves

The holidays are approaching and I watch everyone else filled with excitement and anticipation.  Scott loved the holidays and it was always such a happy time in our house, but I find now that I dread those days.  I have learned to live with all of the normal days of the year... I have had well over 1000 of those days to practice being without him, but this is only our 4th thanksgiving, our 4th Christmas, his 4th birthday, and our 4th wedding anniversary apart.  Four really isn't that much, and I think the lack of practice on these special days makes them all the harder.

Honestly, I am tired of being sad... tired of dreading the day and looking for distractions to make it go quicker... I am tired of faking a smile and tired of the triggers that make me well up with tears. I really truly want to be able to live and enjoy those days again.

My children are growing up and leaving, and already we are not all together on those days.  I suppose this loss is something everyone faces, even without death in the picture.  Children grow up and leave home to create their own families.  Change is constantly in motion in our lives like waves crashing on the shore. We often catch ourselves fearing the next wave to come.

I am reminded of our surfing lessons in Hawaii this summer.  As we were trying to paddle out with the waves crashing in, we were toppled and tossed off our our boards with each new waves.  With eyes stinging from the salt water, we would recover our boards and try to make up the lost distance before the next wave gathered strength.  It was a tiring, loosing battle until our instructor taught us to dive under the wave.  Instead of sitting up on the board and trying to fight our way over the wave, we simply laid flat on the board and bowed our heads to dive beneath it.

It was effortless to get to the other side of the wave this way. We avoided the churning and emerged smoothly on the other side.  So as the waves of change crash upon our lives, we can either fight miserably against them or we can learn to peaceably roll with them.

Maybe I am finally at the point where I am tired enough of being beaten up in the resistance that I am finally willing to embrace the process of change in my life.  Just as we bow our heads to go under the powerful crashing waves, I can bow to the power of He who creates these waves of change, and as I do that, I know that He can help me pass to the other side of them.

So what is holding me back?  As I think about it, it has to be fear.  Fear is that beast that always tries to paralyze me and prevent me from moving forward in faith.  It is what dampens my hope and kills my joy.

What do I fear?  

Unfulfilled expectations, more loss, being alone...

How do I combat those fears?  

There is only one way that I know to combat fear, and that is through prayer.  Through prayer, I can get the power to overcome those fears.  So tonight that is what I was doing.  Not formally on my knees, but pondering through out the evening and when I slipped into the tub tonight.  My mind went back to earlier today and a lesson formulated in my mind.

This afternoon, my daughter sang a solo in the all city choir.  In the audience I was trying to get the camera ready to video her portion of the song that was coming up.  I was fiddling with the settings, when I looked up towards her.  I found myself wishing that I had brought my glasses so that I could see her better, and then in the middle of that thought, superimposed upon it, came a clear voice... "Isn't she so beautiful?"

I stopped everything as tears welled in my mind.  "You're here!" I thought shaking my head slightly, "Of course I'm/you're here... I/You wouldn't miss this." It was if there were two voices thinking the same thing in my head. Then I was still and I just felt... felt the emotions flood me... the love that my husband had for his little girl filled me with such an alarming strength that I fought back more tears.

As I video taped her part, I just shared that moment with him... the two of us watching together... both soaking it in... and then he was gone.  The song was over and just as quick as it had come over me, it was gone.

After the performance, I told Rachel that her dad was there.  She smiled and said, "I know." So tonight I have been thinking about this and what I wrote earlier about special days being hard.

Why today?  Why did I feel that today?  

I sunk down in the tub in my darkened bathroom letting the water cover my ear to block out every sound but my breathing.  The realization came as I pondered those questions.

I get to be physically here and I get to enjoy all of these special moments with them.  Scott does not, but it's what he wants more than anything.  Together we watched her today, and I felt those emotions in him.  Today I wasn't thinking about him not being here.  I wasn't lamenting it.  Sadness was not blinding me, and it just happened... Maybe his ability to experience and be with us is contingent upon me not being sad and focusing on myself.  Maybe he depends on me to focus on the kids and the joy I can have with them.

This is a new thought for me.  It makes sense in my mind.  I know that for Scott to be with us and for us to feel him, we have to have the spirit with us.  It is absolutely critical. That is why we live the way we do.  It is why we have given up things that drive the spirit away and why we try not to argue or fight, but I had not pulled sadness into that category.  Maybe it's time now for me to understand this... maybe it's time for me to make that change and I needed to know why in order to have the power to do it.

If I choose to turn inward and be sad and dwell on what I do not have, then I block the spirit and I block my husband.  I miss out and he misses out.

I don't have much time left with my children... It's time that I stop missing out on the joy that I felt today.  I have a lot of big things coming up.  My son, Alex, is getting married this Christmas.  They are coming home for Thanksgiving and we are having it together with her family, Scott's birthday is the beginning of December and then the wedding is on our anniversary.  I can't miss this... I can't be sad and miss this... miss all of the joy my husband wants to experience with me and share with me.

Maybe if I view it this way, I will have the incentive to push those bad thoughts away and I will be able to be still and just feel. Maybe this is how I duck my head and dive under the wave.

That is what today and tonight taught me... now I just have to do what I believe to be true.  I have to act in faith and trust that the feelings will come and I will feel a great measure of joy this year.  This new revelation is exciting to me because I think I have somewhere to focus now and I feel like I can do this better this year.

So if you struggle on those special days because you have a loss that eats at your heart, choose to push away the sadness. Choose not to dwell on it and to be grateful. Choose to be still and to see the joy around you.  Open a place in your heart for the spirit to fill you.  You may not have a spouse on the other side of the veil, but you do have a Father in Heaven who loves you beyond description.  He wants us to find joy in this life and He wants to fill us with it, but He can't if we don't want to receive that gift.

If we are so focused in fear on the next wave to come, if we are bracing for the impact then we will miss the ease of the water flowing over us as we bow and dive beneath it.  Choose to bow.  Choose to trust your instructor and you will come out less beaten up on the other side.

Women Conference Inspirational Quotes

I loved, loved loved the General Women's Conference 

my daughter and I watched last night!

There were beautiful messages about the divine role of women, finding the divinity within us, the need to be virtuous, and how we as women can be better followers of Jesus Christ.  You can watch the conference in the link above, but I also wanted to share some of my favorite and inspiring quotes below.  Please feel free to share them, my blog, and a brand new website I created with other bloggers to help people cope with grief, heal and move forward.  You can find it at HowDoIGoOn.org 

Sometimes when we are in difficult circumstances we don't see an happiness now or ahead. We can get trapped in darkness and blinded by fear. As we reach in faith and hope to a great power for help we can open our eyes to happiness not just at some future point, but right now. We become aware of the tender mercies in our lives and that gratitude brings us light.

#ldsconf

Summer with Great-Aunt Rose

"The divine nature within us ignites our desire to reach out to others and prompts us to act."  The knowledge of who we are forever changes us.  We can be gifted with His love for others and we can become changed for the better... to do more and feel more that we ever could alone.

#ldsconf

Discovering the Divinity Within

There are times, especially at night, when the busyness of the day is gone and I am left to my thoughts, that I began to fear about the future. I wonder what will happen in my life now. So many of my hopes and dreams are gone and I am trying to replace them, but that can be hard to do when so much of the future is unknown and dependent upon things that I cannot control. In those moments it helps me to remember that someone knows me better than I know myself and He can see in me things that I cannot see. That is when I remember to pray. Those prayers are more heartfelt and pleading than any I have had before in my life. If I am still and I can set my fears aside, I can get a glimpse of what He sees.

"There is a divinity within you... You are a children of God, and because you are His child, He know who you can become. He knows your fears and your dreams. He relishes your potential. He waits for you to come to Him in prayer." 

That divinity that is within me and you allows us to rise above our situations as we seek a great power for help. I may feel weak and incapable and uncertain on my own, but when I reconnect myself with Him, then I can see that spark within me. It gets ignited and I feel that enabling power helping me to go on.

#ldsconf

Discovering the Divinity Within

The power to do good flows from us and influences those around us when we seek to know how to 

use our light to do good. 

"We are the Lord's agents and we are always on His errand."

We have the power to share the light within us. When we understand who we are and we feel in our heart what He would have us do and then we act on those promptings more light flows into us... it can fill the wholes we have... it can change us and it can empower us to help fill others.

#ldsconf

Here to Serve a Righteous Cause

Fighting My Way to the Distant Light

I have missed blogging....  This morning I ran into a woman who recognized me.  She follows my blog and told me how much she appreciated reading it. She shed tears for me, and I realized how much I need to get back to writing because of the good it does not only me, but others.

This last spring I found myself busy teaching a teen early morning bible study class and working on a grief website.  Both have been worthwhile endeavors, but I found myself feeling very isolated.  A dark cloud seemed to settle on me. I kept working, kept pushing forward, but the darkness seemed so oppressive that I found myself often breaking down in tears.  I felt myself withdraw in self-protection mode.  I knew that I needed to reach out, but I was struggling so much, that I was afraid that I didn't have anything worthwhile to share or that if I tried, I would only end up in a puddle of tears.  Fear was paralyzingly me.

How could I help others when I couldn't help myself? 

I felt like a hypocrite.

The only light I could see was a distant hope that things would be easier when my oldest son returned from his mission.  I held onto that hope and looked to that distant light.

This summer there was a parting of the clouds when Alex came home, but as his departure time for college approached, I began to fear another difficult oppressive year. I knew that I had a lot of work to do to finish my grief website.  So many hours and resources had been expended to do this service project, and I began to doubt my ability to finish it.  I worried that my negative emotional state would return and be detrimental to my teaching and to my parenting. I feared being alone again.

The more I feared, the more paralyzed I became and the more the dark clouds began to surround me.  One evening while walking, I got into an argument with Alex... He went inside and I continued to walk in the dark.

It wasn't just dark outside, I felt it everywhere inside of me.  It consumed me, and I'm honestly glad that no one could hear the voices in my head.  I was sobbing when my son pulled up in his car and opened the passenger door. He told me to get in.  Desperately wanting to escape the way I was feeling, I climbed in and began to sob.

It amazes me the strength that my children have at times, and how wisdom comes to them that is beyond their years.  I heard my husband's voice in his counsel and I know he was directed by the spirit to understand my feelings.  We prayed together and through his words I felt the light again.  It renewed my focus.

I'm keeping my eyes on that light and I am feeling a renewal of strength.  Ideas are flowing again, the crippling feelings of loneliness have abated, and I can see the direction I need to move.  The fear is gone now that I am moving forward with FAITH.

I heard a story in a talk given by Whitney Clayton about a little girl who was the sole survivor of a plane crash with her family.

"Last January, seven-year-old Sailor Gutzler and her family were flying from Florida to Illinois in a private airplane. Sailor’s father was at the controls. Just after nightfall, the aircraft developed mechanical problems and crashed in the pitch-dark hills of Kentucky, upside down in very rough terrain. Everyone but Sailor died in the accident. Her wrist was broken in the crash. She suffered cuts and scrapes and had lost her shoes. The temperature was 38 degrees Fahrenheit -it was a cold, rainy Kentucky winter’s night--and Sailor was wearing only shorts, a T-shirt, and one sock. 

She cried out for her mother and father, but no one answered. Summoning every ounce of courage, she set off barefoot across the countryside in search of help, wading through creeks, crossing ditches, and braving blackberry briars. From the top of one small hill, Sailor spotted a light in the distance, about a mile away. Stumbling through the darkness and brush toward that light, she eventually arrived at the home of a kind man she had never met before who sprang to her care. Sailor was safe. She would soon be taken to a hospital and helped on her way to recovery. 

Sailor survived because she saw a light in the distance and fought her way to it--notwithstanding the wild countryside, the depth of the tragedy she faced, and the injuries she had sustained. It is hard to imagine how Sailor managed to do what she did that night. But what we do know is that she recognized in the light of that distant house a chance for rescue. There was hope. She took courage in the fact that no matter how bad things were, her rescue would be found in that light."

I was struck by Sailor's faith as she moved through the dark that night.  Certainly the light disappeared as she went down hills and trees obscured her view. Yet she chose to move in the direction she had last seen the light.  She chose to have faith that it was still there.

There have been periods for me when that light has been obscured. It's easy to become afraid and discouraged when you can't see the hope of a distant light. Some times I have stopped walking and I have sunk to the forest floor to cry, but it was only when I decided to move forward in faith that the light came back into view.

For me that light is my Savior, Jesus Christ.

When I choose to trust Him, 

walk in obedience to the truth He taught, 

and follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit, 

then the light comes back into view, 

and it fills me with hope and the power to keep walking. 

A teacher told of being caught in the worst snow storm she had ever seen. The road she was on was narrow and had no shoulder on which to pull over. She could not see very well and knew the cars behind her were dealing with the same situation. If she stopped, she knew they would not see her in time, so she kept creeping along. The only thing that gave her hope when she looked up ahead was a small, far off, distant patch of blue sky. A spot in the heavens, where the clouds had parted, gave her a clear view of blue. She realized that if she kept driving eventually she would make it out of the storm.


Somedays we get glimps of that blue sky and then the clouds may crowd over the light again. We have to remember that we saw the blue sky and it is still there, just obscured. As we keep moving forward in faith, we are gradually creeping out of that storm. When we remember there is always blue sky above the storm clouds, then we can find the strength to just keep going.

"In those moments, however dark or seemingly hopeless they may be, if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us, giving us the hope of rescue and relief. That light shines from the Savior of all mankind, who is the Light of the World."- Clayton

Remembering that the light is there and knowing the source of the light gives me the strength and courage to move forward in faith despite my fears. 

"Choose to Believe"- full talk

Offering a Broken Heart

I have to say, that my heart has been feeling a bit more broken than usual lately.  I have been trying to analyze why I have been feelings this way, and I can easily point to additional stressors and things that bring me back into grief. Although some of those things have contributed, I think I have forgotten some of the behavior and thought patterns that have given me peace in the past.  I was rereading some of my notes in a book called Power to Become.  I turned to the chapter on personal peace and found somethings that connected with me in a new way. 

The Law of Sacrifice.

It may see counterintuitive to think about sacrifice when I am hurting, and especially if you think about the Old Testament.  Most people do not understand the symbolic meaning behind the sacrifice of animals in the Bible. The animal was a symbol of Christ and of his sacrifice for us.  Christ sacrificed to bring us peace through grace, peace from the burdens of sin and peace from our trials and troubles. The true meaning of the law of sacrifice has always been to offer a contrite spirit and broken heart.  In Psalms 51:17 it says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."  We access that peace gifted through the grace of the Savior as we walk the path He walked and sacrifice to Him our broken spirits and contrite hearts.

One of my favorite speakers, Neil A Maxwell who suffered and died from cancer defined it as this,

"So it is that real, personal sacrifice never was placing an animal on the altar. Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal in us upon the altar and letting it be consumed! Such is the “sacrifice unto the Lord … of a broken heart and a contrite spirit,” a prerequisite to taking up the cross, while giving “away all [our] sins” in order to “know God” for the denial of self precedes the full acceptance of Him." 

Obeying the law of Sacrifice on deeper levels allow me to receive a greater measure of grace. As Maxwell says, we must put those parts of ourselves on the alter and let them be consumed.

How do you place your heart and spirit on the altar before God? 

Many times in our lives we have Abrahamic trials, where we are asked to sacrifice things that may be good and dear to us.  Other times we are asked to sacrifice sins or selfish tendencies.  All of these things prepare us to receive greater joy.  I have learned that I must give before I can receive, and blessings always come to me after the trial of my faith.  Placing those things on the altar is a test of faith and demonstrates complete trust and faith in the Lord

What is a Contrite Spirit?

A contrite spirit is a repentant spirit, it is humble and not full of self.  A contrite spirit is willing to accept the Lord's plan and timing.  A contrite spirit looks forward in faith.

Just as Christ submitted His will to the Father in Gethesemane, we also must learn to submit to recieive that strengthening power that comes only through Him.  We should not feel bad that this is such an inward struggle, because even Christ asked three times for the cup to be removed.  But He being the ultimate example of submission always expressed that His Father's will took prescience.

How do you know God's will?

For starters, obeying God's will is being obedient to the commandments He has already given us.  Studying the scriptures can help us learn the mind and will of God. Furthermore, studying God's written word prepares us to be able to hear his voice better through prayer.  Earnest soul searching prayer can allow us to better align our will with God's will.  We can offer him our will and obedience through prayer.  We can ask Him to show us what we need to learn and change. We can choose to set our "Why me?" questions aside and ask "What am I to learn?" We can express our trust and faith in Him and acknowledge that even though we do not know everything, that we will patiently continue to be faithful in all things.

What is a Broken Heart?

When we think of broken hearts today, our thoughts go to lost love. However, this was the meaning intended in Psalms.  Anciently, the heart was considered to be the center of all emotions and desires.  It represents our will.  It is broken, not in a disheartened way, but in willfulness. Sometimes our hearts are broken because of circumstances in our lives.  Personal tragedy can break our heart.  The negative consequences of sin can break our heart.

A broken heart prepares us to receive.  It is open and agreeable to being molded, changed and made a new. In contrast, a hard heart is bitter and resentful  It blames and seeks to be justified.  God can only work with broken hearts.

So the unique and difficult circumstances in our lives prepare us to accept change in our lives if we choose.  In all aspects, our trials really can makes us better or bitter.  The choice is in what kind of heart we offer as a sacrifice to God.

How does a broken heart relate to grief, and accessing that peace the Savior promises?

Recently at a widows conference I listened to a widower make this connection. His ideas were incredibly insightful to me. Relating to grief and the loss of a loved one, he conjured the image of glass heart dashed upon a cold hard floor. Shattered pieces lay everyone. One by one we do our best to gather those broken pieces. Despite our best efforts, not all of the pieces are to be found or identified immediately. This makes the placement of an entire broken heart on the altar as part of our sacrifice very difficult. Over the passage of time, new pieces are discovered. Their discovery is indicated by new pain, just as one feels pain days later when an undiscovered shard is stepped on by bare morning feet. We recoil at the pain; however, pain allows us to identify and take that broken pieces to the Lord to be mended and repaired. It is important to remember that this is a CONTINUAL PROCESS, so be patient with yourself and the finding of broken pieces.

In reality, the finding of the shards is not the difficult part. They pop up in unexpected situations. The difficulty come is offering those pieces to the Lord. Sometimes we want to keep broken things. Even though we do not delight in pain, we may want to sulk in our brokenness. Sometimes, our mind is fixed on the thought that broken pieces are associated with memories. We fear that giving them up will void us of a connection with our lost loved one. Pain is not part of memories, and God heals pain and leaves the good memories intact. Offering those pieces is a choice and something we must truly desire in order to receive healing. 

Receiving Healing through the offering of Sacrifice.

Sometimes we offer our broken heart, but we hold back a contrite spirit.  Other times the process is reversed. If this is the case, we will feel discouraged at the lack of peace and healing that we feel.  We may even give up and turn away from God. 

Our sacrificial bundle must be complete.  It must contain both a contrite spirit and a broken heart to be an acceptable offering to be consumed by the Lord. Incomplete offerings will give an incomplete result. There is no accessing the atonement or God's grace without both parts packaged together.  

How do I know my offering has been accepted?

If our offering is true and displayed in our desires and our actions, The Holy Spirit will come upon us and offer peace and comfort. Our trials and adversities will not necessarily be lifted, but that peace and strength will flow into us and allow us to better bear those burdens. Here are some benchmark emotions and desires that indicate an acceptable offering.

• Gratitude comes and overwhelms the pain. (As a note, sometimes people feel guilt when that pain lifts.  Guilt is not part of healing, and we do not need to feel guilty when we feel moments of happiness and light again.  Guilt does not honor our loves ones or bring us closer to them.)
• The Holy Spirit fills us so there is no more room for the grief or torment to exist.
• Peace and calm about the future for us and our families prevails
• We develop an eternal perspective and gain understanding of how these trials are helping us and we keep our view for beyond this life.
• Our eyes are opened allowing us to 'see' and understand on a new level.  We may feel enlightened.
• We understand that we can still have joy in this life
• We develop hope for the future, knowing that God has our future in His hand.
• We desire to share with others the things we have learned so that we can lift them in their burdens.

How do I sustain these feelings?

Continuing to act in the process of offering new aspects of a contrite spirit with each pieces of broken heart will allow us to feel a greater measure of peace in our lives.  However, the peace we feel will not always be consist and intense.  We live in a fallen world and we are constantly subject to new adversity and temptation.

When we experience the fruit of the atonement or grace, Satan always makes himself more manifest to us and our families in ways that we may not know or understand.  Knowing that these onslaughts are coming can help us be prepared and watchful.  We can be defensive against his tactics and we can teach our families to be aware and defensive as well.  

Look for areas of weakness and fortify them.  Don't become complacent in your strengths. Obedience, watchfulness and faithfulness help us to stand ready and to defeat him before he gets a foot in the door.

I love this quote by Neil A. Maxwell.  It helps me to continually refine my contrite spirit.

"Any list of our present, personal indulgences is actually an index—but a reverse index to joys—joys we will not experience until we do deny ourselves certain things. Meanwhile, the absence of gross sins in our lives can lull us into slackness concerning seemingly small sins."
What if I don't feel these feelings?      
I we don't feel the benchmarks then we know that the sacrifice is incomplete and we need to go back, reassess and make it complete. Some of these thoughts may lead to an incomplete sacrifice.

• We may have decided we don't want to get hurt and we have allowed our hearts to become hardened. 
• We are unwilling to completely submit our will. 
• A contrite spirit and a broken heart are not given at the same time. 
• We still entertain lingering 'Why?' questions. 
• We have commandments that we are breaking and need to repent of.

So many times when I have found new broken pieces, I have tried this process and failed initially. I look back at the process of selling my house for example...  Over and over again I thought I had submitted my will, only to discover that I really hadn't. But the process of returning and trying again and again taught me important lessons.  Don't ever fall into despair because we can continually go back to the altar and seek those blessings of peace. I know that whenever I feel that pain, it is time for me to sacrifice again. 

Another important principle that helps me fight discouragement is knowing that healing is not complete until the resurrection.  In mortality I will feel sorrow and suffering... that is part of this schooling experience.  The 'happily ever after' comes after this life.  It is as if we are in the middle of a three act play, where all of the drama and conflict exist. Knowing that there will be a final resolution and reunion in the final act helps me to persevere in faith with hope for the future.


Questions to Ponder:

What aspects of a contrite spirit do you need to work on offering?

How does prayer and studying the scriptures help me to sacrifice?

Are there pieces of my broken heart that I am holding on to?

Resources:

Scott, Richard G  “Trust in the Lord," Nov 1995

Maxwell, Neil A. "Deny Yourselves of All Ungodliness." April 1995

How Do You Stay Strong and Resolved?

How Do You Stay Strong and Resolved?

This question asked by a friend of mine has prompted a lot of thought.  A few recent experiences have taught me a really cool and powerful principle that answers this question....

When we are tempted to do something we know we shouldn't, we can pray and ask God to dismiss that influence and give us added strength to be strong.  Afterward, we have to listen to the positive thoughts that come into our mind and act on them. 

In a previous post called... There is an unseen war going on here, I talked about the idea of God's angels and Satan's forces surrounding us.  Satan's forces are trying to discourage, tempt and degrade us, while God's forces try to encourage, protect and enlighten us.  Those angels that surround us have the power to banish Satan's forces if we ask God for help.  When Satan's forces are gone, we can better hear the Holy Spirit and His direction of what to do to avoid that temptation. If we pray and then act on received prompting, we will be protected.  

This doesn't just work with temptation to do something wrong, but in anyway that Satan and his crew work to try to thwart us. 

If you are suddenly feeling irritated or sad and depressed, you can do the same thing.  

Say, "Heavenly Father, I am feeling... Please dismiss that influence and help me to be happy so that I can ... take care of my kids, do my job at work (whatever good, important thing you need to do)". 

Then again, we must listen to that voice in our minds and act on that positive thought.

 This is our way out...

out of sin, temptation, discouragement, anger, resentment, etc. 

Note: negative emotions that have been held for a long time are harder to banish, and sins that we have repeatedly committed are harder to overcome  However, with consistent, repeated prayer and action, we can be given added strength and protection to overcome anything.  

We really are not alone in our fight.  God's forces are just waiting  for

Learning Patience and Empathy in Parenting a Teen. Wait,..is that Even Possible?

Learning Patience & Empathy in Parenting a Teen. 

Wait,.. is that Even Possible?

Monday was one of those really CRAPPY days!

Yes,  I said 'CRAPPY'... it happens to be one of my favorite words, and it was the most appropriate descriptive word I could come up with. 

Okay, so.... maybe it wasn't the whole day, but the evening... It totally fell apart.   

I got into a spat with one of my sons, and I looking back I think that argument is what really precipitated the whole problem. 

There is nothing like contention to suck the spirit out of your home.  Ever since my husband died, I am just so much more acutely aware of that. If the spirit goes out, my emotional state goes with it.

Anyway, I won't go into who the spat with was with or what it was about because my children are very sensitive to be singled out on my blog. Needless to say it was all based on the misunderstanding that started with a comment that I made.  I tried to smooth things over and apologize, but I got a typical teenage response. 

You know...communication would be so much easier if my children were 40 like me! But unfortunately, I am working with pre-adult souls. 

I've learned that communication with children/teens requires a LOT of extra patience. 

(It's probably, why they come that way... so we can learn

There is an unseen war going on here

The Unseen War

There is an unseen war going on here between good and evil,

 and our souls are the casualties.  

More and more I feel that life here on earth is an illusion...

It is a distraction to the real purpose.  Everyday we go through the motions of life thinking that the money we make, the chores we accomplish, the entertainment we watch is what it is all about. 

How fooled we are. 

Life is about the choices we make, the personal character growth we experience and the people we help. 

Everyday there are voices in our heads. 

Some tell us to focus on the material things of this world.  

They tell us to stay distracted and to stay selfish. 

Other voices tell us to feel compassion for others, 

to be a better person and to love people a little better. 

Before my husband died, I never thought about angels walking by my side through out the day.  I didn't think about evil spirits doing it as well. I think that is one of the Devil's tactics- to keep us in the dark about the real battle going on.  He knows that if we are aware of it that our defenses will go up and that his forces will be less powerful.  He knows that if we know what is going on that we will begin to bring out the big guns. 

So What are our weapons?

Healing = Courage + Action + Grace (PART 4/5)

Healing = Courage + Action + Grace 

KEY COMPONENTS FOR HEALING: ACTION

The scriptures teach us, “Knock and it shall be opened unto you.”  Knocking is acting.  So often we find ourselves trudging through life looking at our feet or simply sitting in the mud.  We think that we are all alone and forsaken.  We may cry out to God in anguish.  We think He isn’t there.  When in reality He has been patiently standing there waiting for us to just look up.  Looking up is acting.  It showing that we more than just believe, but that we are willing to try to move forward on our own.  When He sees us take that first step that is when He steps in and helps us keep taking more.  Acting also helps us regain control.  When we need to heal, we normally feel we have lost control.

To act instead of being acted upon. When I choose to be inactive or place myself in a state of being acted upon, I give Satan greater power in my life. 

Q: How is action related to healing? 

A: Action is the point where belief turns into faith.

When we act in FAITH,  moving along on a GOOD path, we OPEN the door to GRACE.

COURAGE TO ACT OPENS THE DOOR TO GRACE WHICH IS THE KEY TO HEALING.

Q: What are the major Roadblocks to acting in faith?

A: PROCRASTINATION and FEAR keep us in the acted upon position.

“If Satan can convince us that our fear is too great to act or that to act is a great idea, but to do it later, then he can prevent us from opening the door to GRACE.”

“The longer we remain in an inactive state the farther we drift from the Lord and His spirit.”

“The more often a person FEELS without ACTING the less he will be able ever to ACT, and in the long run the less he will be able to FEEL” – C.S. Lewis

Q: How do we overcome the tendency to procrastinate or shut down in fear? 

A: Prayer is the simplest form of action.  When you pray, you act in faith and open the door to blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional upon our asking.

In your prayers be sure to speak openly, sincerely and directly to Him.  Vague and passive

New Resolve

New Resolve

Everyone is about New Years Resolutions, and most of the time by now everyone is petering out and feeling discouraged.  Well, it's regrouping time!  Don't waste the year waiting for another January.  So how do we regain our lost resolve?  Let me share a personal experience and our morning devotional.

For the last year I have known that I needed to go on a diet and lose the weight I put on when Scott died.  No, I'm not horribly overweight, but I know that I have lost control in this arena of my life.  When Scott died I just emotionally gave up and eating became my vice.  Every week I would say, "this week I will start my diet.  I know how to loose weight and I've done it before so this should be easy, right?" 

BIG FAT WRONG!

I would make it through a day and be good and then the next day something stressful would happen and I would go right back to the sweets.  I would go down a pound or two and then back up.  I kept telling myself that I was going to be serious. 

But I was getting no where. Why?

Because I wasn't completely committed or resolved.  After all, what's the point... Who is there to impress? 

So after my trip to Utah the beginning of January I said, "No more wishy washy!" No more estimating calories and sneeking extra handfuls of chocolate chips everytime I go to the pantry.  I've got to keep track of my calories and write them down. When I'm up for the day, I'm done eating.  I have to find someone to be accountable to, because I'm not doing this well on my own. 

So I've been pretty good.

perfect?

No. 

In fact I ate chocolate chips yesterday :( , but today I'm back at it.  The scale went back up a

Principle 7: Satan only has the power we give him

Principle 7

Satan only has the power we give him

We cannot stop the evil influences in the world that result from the exercise of moral agency, but we must warn of the consequences of partaking of them. 

Satan's influence is allowed to provide the atmosphere for proving ourselves, but the devil will not triumph.  He must operate within bounds set by the Lord.

The old adage, "the devil made me do it!"  is incorrect

Satan cannot alter character that has been woven from righteous decisions!

We must give him power through our disobedience

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING he temps us to do will have a beneficial outcome.

Satan tries to capture us through massive, overpowering physical stimulation, so we can't hear spiritual promptings. He doesn't want us to have time to think and ponder the consequences.

SATAN IS ALWAYS DECEITFUL 

He is a consummate bluffer and he tries to make people think he has power that he does not have.

The POWER to overcome is given to us through our DETERMINED righteous living.

We can call on the POWER OF THE LORD to help us avoid evil encounters.

If Satan had power over our agency, he would have used it long ago...

Quote from the 1996 movie THE LABRYNTH

 After fighting her way to the goblin city to rescue her baby brother, Sarah approaches the goblin king and says...

Oh, the Places You Will Go

Oh, the Places You Will Go

Last winter, about 3 months out, I was having a really hard time coping with all of the changes in my life.  When I felt the Spirit I seemed to be able to function, but new added stresses would quickly send me spiraling downward.  For the first time in my life I didn't have a plan.  Everything up to Scott's death had always been according to my plan.  I was always able to work hard enough to make things happen the way I wanted them to.  All of my plans for the future had crumbled and I knew no matter how hard I tried that I could not resurrect them because they all centered around Scott.  Everything had centered around him, for the last 20 years, and I was not sure how to re-plan without my partner.

My oldest son, Alex, sensing  my troubled heart was inspired to send me the lines to a famous story book by Doctor Seuss entitled, Oh the Places You Will Go. The words to this children's book gave me hope.  Sometimes hope is what you need to find to help your faith grow and to give you strength to start to act.

You see, I was in a slump and "un-slumping yourself is not easily done." When that happens we sometimes find ourselves stuck in "the waiting place."  Don't misunderstand me. Waiting on the Lord is good, because waiting on the Lord is still active.  We still study, we serve, we pray.  When we get into trouble is when we quit using our agency to act.  We have to remember that,

"NO, that is not for you!"  

We are God's children with a great divine potential.  He does not want us to squander that potential in inactive waiting.  The story says that somehow we will escape that waiting place.  We do that by turning to the Lord and asking the questions,

"What should I learn from this?"

 "What am I to do now?"

 "Whom should I serve?" 

The story talks about the times when we are alone, but reassures us that we will go on.  It encourages us by asking and replying,