Battling the Dark

Some days I really work hard to fight the darkness.  The other morning was one of those days. 5:15 AM the alarm sounded. My early morning bible study class started in a hour, yet this dark forbidding blanket enveloped me.  I uttered a quick prayer as I rolled out of bed and my feet hit the cold tile bathroom floor.  "Please, Heavenly Father, I have to feel the spirit to teach... please... help the darkness to go away."  As I brushed my teeth and starred blankly into the mirror, I kept rehearsing that prayer in my mind. At that moment all I felt like doing was crying, but determined not to let the darkness control me, I kept moving forward.

After breakfast, morning prayers and scriptures with my two teens, I was in the car by 6:00.  "Please, help me today,”  I repeated as I drove down the dark unlit country road, still feeling that oppressive feeling. 

Is there something I have done to bring this darkness on?  

Why do I need to suffer through this again?  

These were the questions swirling through my mind during the drive. "Please, help me to feel the spirit.  Help me to teach today." I hustled into the church building to set up my class.  With a smile on my face, I greeted my first student.  The darkness miraculously left and I was able to teach. However, later at the store, I felt the darkness settle back in.  I sighed and just kept moving.

One of the regular cashiers, who knew about my husband’s death, noticed my expression and asked me how I was doing. I just couldn't help it, right there in the store, I broke down and cried.  The words just spilled out of my mouth, toppling over one another,  "This is just a really hard time of year for me..."

After 10 minutes of empathizing and a hug, I headed to my car. During the drive home, I cried, not just tears but gasping sobs.  Try as I might, I couldn't make myself stop.  The weight of the darkness was so oppressive that I literally wanted to crumble to the floor.

As I sobbed, I worked to put the groceries away and get ready for my morning service project.  The more I sobbed the more angry I got... not at God, or the people responsible for the accident, but at the darkness.  I was sick and tired of having this overwhelming, oppressive feeling come over me.  I was tired of being hounded and thwarted when I was trying to focus my life on doing good.

So I let the darkness have it! Right there in my house I screamed out to this dark unseen force that we bent on ruining my day.

"I don't care what you do... how hard you try... you are not going to win!  I am not listening to you!  In fact… I'm going to do more good today than you can imagine! You picked the wrong girl to mess with!”

I stood again in front of the mirror starring at a very different face.  The eyes were not darkened with sadness... they were are on fire with determination.

I cheerfully pitched in at the service project. Afterwards I met up with a former student. As I listened to him tell me about his recent struggles with feeling the darkness, I knew exactly what to say.  The words just flowed and my experience fit perfectly. The spirit was there.  We both felt it.  A smile crept on my face as I watched him leave. Not only was the darkness gone, but I felt incredible, amazing light!

It was all so clear to me now. I knew why the darkness had attacked me and tried to thwart the good I would do today, and I had won.

We don't like to think about the unseen forces of evil in this world, but they are real. They exist, and we have to face them. The darkness has power but not more than what we give it. It only wins when we give up and choose not to actively fight against it. 

There are time when we are lifted and protected, when we are cradled by the light, but there are also times when God in his wisdom pulls back and lets us feel the dark. Those times are temporary, and if we keep asking for help and moving forward, the light always returns and banishes the dark.  

God is there to help us fight our battles.  He will come, but he will also let us learn how to fight.  He gives us light and strength so that we can learn to be powerfully on His side.

Today was a temporary win.  The darkness will return, but each time I overcome it, I get stronger for the next encounter. God lets me grow in confidence and faith and bit by bit into the person He wants me to become.

Questions to Ponder:

1. How will you respond when you feel the dark?

2. What are the steps to overcome and feel the light again?

Overcoming Fear & Moving Forward in Faith - part 1 Understanding purpose

Learning How to Overcome Fear & 

Move Forward in Faith

Fear works directly against faith. 

Fear pulls me away from the Lord

When my faith is strong...

• I am happy, confident, and even energetic.
• I remain calm as difficulties arise, I see things in perspective, and I feel the comfort and guidance of the Spirit. 
• When confronted with a new difficulty, I ask, “What am I to learn?” instead of asking “Why me?”

 When fear overcomes me...

• I am anxious and worried about the future. 
• Those are hard times, lonely times. I don’t feel like I can handle things. 
• I am likely to be easily upset and over react to problems. 
• I become paralyzed or find myself caught in emotional loops of despair. 

Fear is something I am well aquanted with.

I often have feared the unknown...

As a result, I have always tried to be proactive in order to control my life as much as possible and prevent any unknown surprises.

Shortly after we finished medical school and the birth of my last child,  I had a bout with depression that was mostly caused by fear.  I felt certain that my picture perfect life was not going to last and that a large trial was coming to shatter my world.  

I was very fearful and I thought… 

“Maybe if I am better and do more spiritual things,  I will be able to avoid this trial.”  

Instead of feeling peace, I began to be overwhelmed with the never ending ‘to do list’ that I created.  I knew no matter what I did that I would always fall short.  I became paralyzed by my fear.   

When I look back at that time period, I realize that I did not understand the purpose of life and the purpose of difficulties in this life.  I wished to avoid them at all cost.  

Most of us wish to avoid hardships… 

No one wants to loose their job, or have a child with a disability, loose a loved one, suffer an illness, or struggle with emotional problems.  

The truth is… 

We would all like this life to be like a Disney Cruise! (I use that analogy because we all would like to have everything taken care of for us and our families.  We want to have this magical, wonderful adventure complete with a happy theme song… you’ve seen the commercials… isn’t that what you would like you life to be?)

Well, we didn’t sign up for a Disney Cruise… 

We signed up for something more like a navy tour complete with our own boot camp. Now you may find that to be a discouraging, disappointing thought…

"Why would I chose that?”  You may say. 

As part of God’s plan for us we chose to come to earth, we were not so much focused on the ride, but on the end result. 

 “Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he’s been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”- Gordon B Hinckley

We knew life was going to be challenging,

 but the ride was intended to get us somewhere important…

 it was to help us BECOME someone better than we were.  

It was to help us become like Jesus and prepare us to live with Him.  

THIS LIFE WAS TO PREPARE US. 

A life of ease would never have done that… it would never develop the strength of character and faith and determined righteousness that we needed to learn in order to be...

"Heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ."  

Paul continues saying… 

"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”- Romans 8:17-18

Thomas Monson said in a speech after the death of his wife,

 “Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than what we were, more understanding than what we were, more empathetic than what we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before..." 

"This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow.”

Understanding the purpose of our trials and difficulties can help us combat fear and press forward in faith.

As I accept those things that come to me and pray for extra help to go through them, then I find peace and I find strength to continue on, and gradually I get more and more understanding.  Despite all of the bad and the difficulties in the past two years I can look back and see growth and I can see good.  That gives me faith and hope that the things right now that I don't understand will also work for my good and will help me to grow.  

So everyday I choose faith over fear.

Don't Lose Hope: Dissipating Despair and Discouragement

Don't Lose Hope: Dissipating Despair and Discouragement 

I thought I was doing so well and that I had this grief thing licked, then I had a trigger set me off.

Last night my brother-in-law called with news from the NTSB about their report on the plane crash.  As we talked I expressed my faith in God's plan for our family and that this accident had an important purpose and was meant for our learning and growth.  After I hung up the phone, I went downstairs to talk to my boys.  I again expressed the same thoughts to them with more emotions rising to the surface this time.  After telling them good night, I found myself closing the den doors and sinking to the floor in tears.

  The despair over this old wound being opened began

 to consume me and I openly sobbed. 

I called and talked to a friend who comforted me with some scriptures to read and then I called another widow whose husband had also died in a plane crash.  We discussed and expressed confusion with the findings.  We talked about our futures and conversations that we had had with other widows who had remarried and still were struggling missing their husbands and with trying to blend families.

  Everything just looked bleak and hopeless.  

As I climbed into bed, despair and discouragement overwhelmed my thoughts.  I read some of the scriptures that my first friend suggested and I felt some better.  I began to pray and pray for help until I finally drifted off to sleep....

Normally I would wake to a new day, but today the feeling of despair and discouragement lingered.  

The weather had canceled early morning seminary for my children so they got up a little later than usual.  My best friend who normally runs with me did not call because of the late start and because I was getting over the flu.  

After my kids left I crawled back into bed- 

something I have never done except when I was ill.  

I just wanted to talk to Scott.  I missed him so very much.  Finally at 10:00 my friend called and I pulled myself out of bed.  We ran and I talked things out.  We grabbed some lunch and I came home to fold clothes.  Still the feeling would not leave.  I thought, 

"What is wrong with me?  This never lingers this long."  

Then I realized that I was not following my normal "get out of grief routine."  I had talked to all of my friends, but I hadn't spent some time really studying the scriptures and the words of the prophet for comfort.  I needed to do that and really get on my knees.

I thought of a talk about Hope from General Conference that I had read and highlighted shortly after Scott's death.  I had sent a quote from that talk to some friends in the morning as an inspirational thought, but I realized that I really need to delve into it again. This is what I learned, and this is how I turned my head around....

THE POWER OF HOPE VIDEO CLIP

Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. 

"Hope is a gift of the Spirit. This kind of hope is both a principle of promise as well as a commandment, and, as with all commandments, we have the responsibility to make it an active part of our lives and overcome the temptation to lose hope." 

If hope is a gift, then it is something we have to pray and ask for.

But Why Then Is There Despair?

Dealing with Depression

Depression

I wanted to share this letter from a close friend who has suffered with depression for over 35  years.  I know a lot of people quietly suffer and I feel like these insights have really helped me to manage my emotional heath. I had a 5 year bout with depression when I hit 30.  Luckily with the help of medication and a lot of counseling from my husband, it was something I was able to work through.  This letter came at a pivotal point for me and aided me in my recovery. My husband was able to identify behavior patterns that I had learned that contributed to my depression.  We worked to change those, I began exercising and the endorphins really helped me.  I prayed and turned to the Lord for help.  I humbled myself and realized I could not do this on my own. With time I was able to be medication free and I haven’t had another problem with it for the last 7 years, miraculously, even through the death of my husband.  

I can testify that the Lord can make weak things become strong.

I struggled for a long time with questions of 'Why?' 

Why do I have to suffer with this? 

Why did I have to grow up in a home with a depression?  

What I learned was that this was a teaching experience for me.  It made me rely on the Savior for assistance.  It helped me to have understanding and empathy for others.  In my mid-thirties I served in a leadership position for my church's women's organization. I found my experiences to be invaluable in counseling and helping others.

  There is always a purpose in the trials that we struggle through.  

If we can just humble ourselves enough to turn to the Lord, He can let those things change us into the people we need to become. 

(I'm omitting some things to keep it confidential)

Dear .......