The One Thing I Need Right Now...

With Christmas done I’ve been thinking about the new year and all of the changes that we are going to be making. I'm putting my house on the market at the end of January, selling most of the things I own, and moving out to a small condo by my kids in Utah.  I won't have seminary or yard work to keep me busy, and I will be leaving friends, extended family and everything I've known and am comfortable with. I don't know where all of this will lead, but it's something I have felt for a while now that God wants me to do.  For me it's a huge step in the dark, or rather a leap off the cliff into the abyss.

If I allow myself, fear can start to creep in and make me worry about how everything is going to work out. This morning I turned to the words of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B Hinckley. He reminded me about the power of faith. Faith in Jesus Christ and in His power to deliver us always dispels fear, and it gives us actual power to move forward and make things happen. When we know we are doing is what God wants us to do, then we can confidently expend our effort, knowing that He will have our back.

A few days ago, I was putting together scrapbook pages as a Christmas present for my kids. On one of the pages, I pasted a picture of my 8 year-old son, Cooper, lifting a heavy barbell. The photograph captured perfectly Cooper’s singleminded effort and determination.  I know all the power to lift that bar didn’t come just from Cooper’s will. I remembered watching Scott help them learn how to lift.  He placed his hands on the bar as well.  He made them struggle through each repetition, but at key moments he provided the additional strength that the boys had not yet acquired so that they could successfully complete their task.

If we can just remember that our Father In Heaven also desires to help us lift heavy burdens in our life, we will have the power to expend our energy with full confidence that the bar will rise.

Paul wrote to Timothy: “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord” (2 Tim. 1:7–8).

When all is said and done Faith is our “only genuine and lasting hope"... and that great "moving power can change our lives.” - G B Hinckley

In our moments of struggling, that concept can be difficult to remember.  I think it is human nature to want to know the end from the beginning, but God's ways are not our ways. Like a headlamp in a dark cave, God’s pattern is to give us just enough information to light the path a few steps in front of us. Even though we cannot see very far ahead, He expects us to take steps forward, trusting that the light will move with us and continue to illuminate our path.

Complaining and wishing to know more will not change God’s pattern. 

• The Red Sea did not part until the children of Israel had their feet in its waters and pharaoh’s army in hot pursuit at their backs.
• The 5000 were not fed until all of the food that could be found was given to the Lord.
• The woman with the issue of blood was not healed until she reached in faith for the Savior's hem

Over and over again in the scriptures, God expects us to act in faith before the miracle occurs. 

Why is this His pattern?

Making us expend our effort first grows our faith.

So when my faith muscle begins to tremble and feels like it's going to give out, I try to remember the promise of this same wise man who practiced using his faith for 97 years.

“It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us.” -Gordon B Hinkley

I know in my life, God has never forsaken me.  Help has always come when it was desperately needed, and it will come again.  All I have to do, is take my first step in the dark. 

He Sees What I Don’t See

One of the biggest struggles that I have is not complaining, whining, and resisting my new life situation. It's hard because this isn't something that I can just forget about; it's in my face everyday. When I roll over in the morning, when I walk by the family photos in our home, when a child calls with a problem that dad would handle better, or when I'm handed the microphone to say something "light" at my son's wedding reception.  It hits me in surprising moments too, catching me unaware.  It's only natural to sigh... "If Scott were here, then..." But it's hard to leave it at that.

I used to get angry and frustrated a lot.  I used to cry and rant about what a stupid plan this was for my life, but honestly that got me nowwhere... It only caused me to spiral downward into an all-out-fit of despair and hopelessness.  For the most part, I have given that tactic up. (For the most part) It's way to emotionally draining and totally unproductive, but I still resist on a lesser level.  

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't here, that I didn't have to still do this alone.  It's hard not to look at other families and feel pangs of jealousy.  But those thoughts also take me nowhere but down.  The kicker is that I know that every time I allow myself to complain about my life, I am doing the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot.  

It lessens my faith.

It cripples my ability to act.

It pulls me from the spirit.

It destroys hope and replaces it with despair.

It is so easy to loose sight of what this trial can teach me and to focus on the pain involved in that lesson. I can choose to let grief cloud my vision.  I can let discouragement blind me to my own potential.  I can focus on my weakness and become paralyzed... or I can ask to see what God sees in me.

I believe that each one of us has a plan to fulfill in this life. I believe that God allows us to go through difficulties so we can prove ourselves... prove who we are and what we are capable of, not just to God, but to ourselves.  Those challenges can strengthen us... They can strengthen our confidence in the power He can give us to overcome these challenges.

Overcoming is hard work... It's tiring and sometimes I just feel like I want to quit. Sometimes I don't feel like I am strong enough, but when I think of the end game... When I go back to my understanding of the purpose of the plan, then I fall to my knees and desperately plead for extra help to see more clearly and to have the strength I need to keep pressing forward. 

It's there... I have felt it. Somedays I loose it... But on my knees I find it again. He is there to strengthen and help us through all of the difficulties, and He knows that is the best way for us to really develop a relationship with Him... and He knows that relationship is critical if we are to achieve our potential.

When I loose sight, I go back to the basics.  I go back to prayer and scripture study.  I go back to trusting God.  

No, I don't have a clear vision of the future.  None of us do.  That is also part of the plan and part of growing our faith, but I can have confidence that He sees it.  For now that can be enough.  I can choose to trust and put my faith in Him.  I can choose to improve that relationship by trying to be like Him.  As I do that, I feel that power reenter and the previous struggles become easier to bear.

Questions to Ponder:

1. What potential does God see in you?
2. What can your struggles teach you?

Women Conference Inspirational Quotes

I loved, loved loved the General Women's Conference 

my daughter and I watched last night!

There were beautiful messages about the divine role of women, finding the divinity within us, the need to be virtuous, and how we as women can be better followers of Jesus Christ.  You can watch the conference in the link above, but I also wanted to share some of my favorite and inspiring quotes below.  Please feel free to share them, my blog, and a brand new website I created with other bloggers to help people cope with grief, heal and move forward.  You can find it at HowDoIGoOn.org 

Sometimes when we are in difficult circumstances we don't see an happiness now or ahead. We can get trapped in darkness and blinded by fear. As we reach in faith and hope to a great power for help we can open our eyes to happiness not just at some future point, but right now. We become aware of the tender mercies in our lives and that gratitude brings us light.

#ldsconf

Summer with Great-Aunt Rose

"The divine nature within us ignites our desire to reach out to others and prompts us to act."  The knowledge of who we are forever changes us.  We can be gifted with His love for others and we can become changed for the better... to do more and feel more that we ever could alone.

#ldsconf

Discovering the Divinity Within

There are times, especially at night, when the busyness of the day is gone and I am left to my thoughts, that I began to fear about the future. I wonder what will happen in my life now. So many of my hopes and dreams are gone and I am trying to replace them, but that can be hard to do when so much of the future is unknown and dependent upon things that I cannot control. In those moments it helps me to remember that someone knows me better than I know myself and He can see in me things that I cannot see. That is when I remember to pray. Those prayers are more heartfelt and pleading than any I have had before in my life. If I am still and I can set my fears aside, I can get a glimpse of what He sees.

"There is a divinity within you... You are a children of God, and because you are His child, He know who you can become. He knows your fears and your dreams. He relishes your potential. He waits for you to come to Him in prayer." 

That divinity that is within me and you allows us to rise above our situations as we seek a great power for help. I may feel weak and incapable and uncertain on my own, but when I reconnect myself with Him, then I can see that spark within me. It gets ignited and I feel that enabling power helping me to go on.

#ldsconf

Discovering the Divinity Within

The power to do good flows from us and influences those around us when we seek to know how to 

use our light to do good. 

"We are the Lord's agents and we are always on His errand."

We have the power to share the light within us. When we understand who we are and we feel in our heart what He would have us do and then we act on those promptings more light flows into us... it can fill the wholes we have... it can change us and it can empower us to help fill others.

#ldsconf

Here to Serve a Righteous Cause

Fighting My Way to the Distant Light

I have missed blogging....  This morning I ran into a woman who recognized me.  She follows my blog and told me how much she appreciated reading it. She shed tears for me, and I realized how much I need to get back to writing because of the good it does not only me, but others.

This last spring I found myself busy teaching a teen early morning bible study class and working on a grief website.  Both have been worthwhile endeavors, but I found myself feeling very isolated.  A dark cloud seemed to settle on me. I kept working, kept pushing forward, but the darkness seemed so oppressive that I found myself often breaking down in tears.  I felt myself withdraw in self-protection mode.  I knew that I needed to reach out, but I was struggling so much, that I was afraid that I didn't have anything worthwhile to share or that if I tried, I would only end up in a puddle of tears.  Fear was paralyzingly me.

How could I help others when I couldn't help myself? 

I felt like a hypocrite.

The only light I could see was a distant hope that things would be easier when my oldest son returned from his mission.  I held onto that hope and looked to that distant light.

This summer there was a parting of the clouds when Alex came home, but as his departure time for college approached, I began to fear another difficult oppressive year. I knew that I had a lot of work to do to finish my grief website.  So many hours and resources had been expended to do this service project, and I began to doubt my ability to finish it.  I worried that my negative emotional state would return and be detrimental to my teaching and to my parenting. I feared being alone again.

The more I feared, the more paralyzed I became and the more the dark clouds began to surround me.  One evening while walking, I got into an argument with Alex... He went inside and I continued to walk in the dark.

It wasn't just dark outside, I felt it everywhere inside of me.  It consumed me, and I'm honestly glad that no one could hear the voices in my head.  I was sobbing when my son pulled up in his car and opened the passenger door. He told me to get in.  Desperately wanting to escape the way I was feeling, I climbed in and began to sob.

It amazes me the strength that my children have at times, and how wisdom comes to them that is beyond their years.  I heard my husband's voice in his counsel and I know he was directed by the spirit to understand my feelings.  We prayed together and through his words I felt the light again.  It renewed my focus.

I'm keeping my eyes on that light and I am feeling a renewal of strength.  Ideas are flowing again, the crippling feelings of loneliness have abated, and I can see the direction I need to move.  The fear is gone now that I am moving forward with FAITH.

I heard a story in a talk given by Whitney Clayton about a little girl who was the sole survivor of a plane crash with her family.

"Last January, seven-year-old Sailor Gutzler and her family were flying from Florida to Illinois in a private airplane. Sailor’s father was at the controls. Just after nightfall, the aircraft developed mechanical problems and crashed in the pitch-dark hills of Kentucky, upside down in very rough terrain. Everyone but Sailor died in the accident. Her wrist was broken in the crash. She suffered cuts and scrapes and had lost her shoes. The temperature was 38 degrees Fahrenheit -it was a cold, rainy Kentucky winter’s night--and Sailor was wearing only shorts, a T-shirt, and one sock. 

She cried out for her mother and father, but no one answered. Summoning every ounce of courage, she set off barefoot across the countryside in search of help, wading through creeks, crossing ditches, and braving blackberry briars. From the top of one small hill, Sailor spotted a light in the distance, about a mile away. Stumbling through the darkness and brush toward that light, she eventually arrived at the home of a kind man she had never met before who sprang to her care. Sailor was safe. She would soon be taken to a hospital and helped on her way to recovery. 

Sailor survived because she saw a light in the distance and fought her way to it--notwithstanding the wild countryside, the depth of the tragedy she faced, and the injuries she had sustained. It is hard to imagine how Sailor managed to do what she did that night. But what we do know is that she recognized in the light of that distant house a chance for rescue. There was hope. She took courage in the fact that no matter how bad things were, her rescue would be found in that light."

I was struck by Sailor's faith as she moved through the dark that night.  Certainly the light disappeared as she went down hills and trees obscured her view. Yet she chose to move in the direction she had last seen the light.  She chose to have faith that it was still there.

There have been periods for me when that light has been obscured. It's easy to become afraid and discouraged when you can't see the hope of a distant light. Some times I have stopped walking and I have sunk to the forest floor to cry, but it was only when I decided to move forward in faith that the light came back into view.

For me that light is my Savior, Jesus Christ.

When I choose to trust Him, 

walk in obedience to the truth He taught, 

and follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit, 

then the light comes back into view, 

and it fills me with hope and the power to keep walking. 

A teacher told of being caught in the worst snow storm she had ever seen. The road she was on was narrow and had no shoulder on which to pull over. She could not see very well and knew the cars behind her were dealing with the same situation. If she stopped, she knew they would not see her in time, so she kept creeping along. The only thing that gave her hope when she looked up ahead was a small, far off, distant patch of blue sky. A spot in the heavens, where the clouds had parted, gave her a clear view of blue. She realized that if she kept driving eventually she would make it out of the storm.


Somedays we get glimps of that blue sky and then the clouds may crowd over the light again. We have to remember that we saw the blue sky and it is still there, just obscured. As we keep moving forward in faith, we are gradually creeping out of that storm. When we remember there is always blue sky above the storm clouds, then we can find the strength to just keep going.

"In those moments, however dark or seemingly hopeless they may be, if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us, giving us the hope of rescue and relief. That light shines from the Savior of all mankind, who is the Light of the World."- Clayton

Remembering that the light is there and knowing the source of the light gives me the strength and courage to move forward in faith despite my fears. 

"Choose to Believe"- full talk

Faith is a choice

Faith is a choice. 

Specifically, faith is a choice to believe and then to act upon that belief in the face of uncertainty without the perfect knowledge of the outcome.  Faith is TRUSTING that even though I don’t know the outcome, that God does and that HIS PLAN is BETTER than MY CURRENT PLAN.

“Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.”- Richard Edgley

If I know this to be true…

Why do I still have problems with being fearful at times? 

I believe it is because it is easier for me to believe more strongly in the things I physically see and hear and am currently experiencing than it is to trust in things that are not seen by physical eyes.

In Hebrews 11:1 it defines faith, ‘Now faith is the substance (foundation) of things hoped for, the evidence (proof) of things not seen.’ 

To trust in things that I cannot see is very hard to do.
  

Even the prophets have struggled with this…  In Matt 14:31 Peter when he was walking on the water began to sink. 

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

 So even Peter let fear creep in because of present circumstances...

In Luke 17:5  the apostles said unto the Lord, “Increase our faith.” 

This is a great example to me because it show me that when I feel fear, it is appropriate to pray and ask the Lord to increase my faith.  

I do not have to do it alone.  

If I will humble myself and turn to Him in meekness and ASK it will be given me. 

o   It is important to remember that Faith is a principle of action. The answers to prayer and the solutions to our problems generally come as we begin to act, not while we are on our knees praying.

Increased faith is a spiritual gift that can be given to us through the Grace of Christ if we will ASK and ACT 

So this is what the process looks like… 

Everyday, and sometimes every moment of the day, I must consciously choose again and again to believe, to REMEMBER, to hope, to have faith and to ACT on that faith,  living the commandments and following the Holy Spirit. 

I have to remind myself constantly to choose faith and keep choosing faith in the face of realities that seem to contradict it and to do that for as long as it takes. 

THIS IS what is meant by ..THE TRIAL OF OUR FAITH 

THIS IS HOW OUR FAITH GETS STRONGER

· 

A Glimpse of Heaven: on Death, Faith and Miracles

I just got back from traveling long distance to my grandmother's funeral.  When you have lost a spouse, funerals are not a easy.  They bring back so many emotions and memories, yet I felt compelled to go to comfort my grandpa and my mother.  I was expecting it to be hard, but it was a sweet and tender experience to be there. One that taught me that miracles still occur....

My grandmother had suffered several strokes and was on hospice.  We received word on Sunday that she was no longer able to swallow and take fluids.  Knowing that a healthy adult can only survive a few days without water, the funeral was planned for Friday and flights were arranged for Thursday.  Family was praying for her to go peacefully and quickly.  She did not seem in pain as she quietly breathed in a unresponsive state.  As the week progressed, my grandmother continued to hang on.  Her body began to show signs of eminent shut down, yet morning after morning I awoke to news that she had lasted still another night.

My mother called me often during the week struggling with the situation. I could tell that she wished to be there when her mother passed, but living so far away she did not think it was possible for that to happen.  She began to worry that the funeral may have to be delayed, and that our trip would be for naught. Thursday arrived and we continued with our travel plans, learning on the way to the airport that my grandmother had miraculously made it through yet another night.  That day was my grandparents 64th wedding anniversary.  As I thought while I drove, a very distinct thought formulated in my mind...

"Grandma is waiting for my mother to be there."

I voiced my thought on a family text and another sister confirmed that she had felt the same. My mother was making the 1300 mile trip by car.  I called her and told her that I believed that her mother was waiting for her.  My mother broke down in tears and confessed that in her heart she had wanted to be there, but she didn't even dare pray that such a thing was possible.

Our whole family changed our prayer.  We prayed that grandma would have the strength to make it until that time.  Then we acted in faith to get there as quickly as possible.  Hour by hour she miraculously was sustained by something other than natural laws.  Her frail less than 90 lb body could have never survived on its own for such a time period without fluid.

Some how in her comatose state, 

she was aware of her daughter's secret prayer.  

The daughter who lived so far away and who wished so desperately to be there. Some how in that state she was aware of her anniversary date and wanted to be there with grandpa through that day.

My mother said they were able to drive with very little stops, and they arrived and hour and a half earlier than expected, ahead of those of us who were flying.  My mother hurried to her mother's side and gently cupping her mother's cheek whispered with tears in her eyes...

"Mother, I'm here.  It's Janette.  I know what you've done, I know the sacrifice you have made to stay here.  I love you and I'm so thankful for that.  You can go now."

Within a few minutes of my mother's arrival my grandmother's peaceful breathing changed.  A pained expression came on her face.  It was as if her spirit had been allowed to leave that sick body during that peaceful time and now had to reenter, feeling the pain again.  In less than 5 minutes my grandmother quietly slipped away.

My father standing at the foot of the bed remarked,

"She was waiting for you."

A little over an hour later, my sister's and I arrived at my grandparents home.  With my husband's plane accident, I had not be able to witness that point when the spirit leaves the body, and in my heart I had wished to be there to experience that spiritual moment.  Yet I had also felt that the presence of too many of us would have distracted my mother and the siblings gathered at her bedside.  It was not what God had planned for me that day.

As I entered the room a sweet calming feeling filled me my head to my toes.  I could feel what I have come to refer to as "presence" in that room.  It was full of love.  It was full of family.  We quietly hugged my grandpa and went to my grandmother's bedside.  I touched her cheek and kissed her forehead which was still slightly warm.  She was so thin, but looked like an angel.

The tears began to flow. 

Not tears of sadness, but tears of gratitude...

for the wonderful person she was, and  

for the example of faith that she had set in her life.

As I quietly gazed at her still frame, I was filled with overwhelming love for my grandma and a deep understanding of the person she truly was inside.  A being not touched by mortal frailties.  I found a rocking chair and just sat, soaking in the love in the room.  I did not want leave for it so reminded me of heaven.  It was as if the door was still swinging from her departure and glimpse of light were still streaming into the room.

We gathered around her bedside and said a family prayer, and then it was time to leave.  As I left the bedroom, I left that feeling behind.  To me it was so stark when I crossed that threshold.

Sometimes there are things that we cannot explain.  They defy what we think of as normal.  We read the bible and believe that miracles occurred in those days, yet cannot fathom that they could still occur.  On my grandparent's 64th wedding anniversary when my grandmother departed this earth after 5 day of no fluid and only 10 minutes after her daughter's arrival, I can attest that a miracle occurred.

God is mindful of us.  He hears those secret prayers and longings of our hearts and is willing to compassionately grant them if we have been obedient to Him.  He loves those who are willing to serve him.  My grandmother was one of those people and so is my mother.  I am forever grateful for both of their examples to me.  They have taught me faith and obedience, and those lessons have carried me through the last 21 months.

Thank you grandma,  I love you!

Is it easier to believe that God does not exist?

You may not believe in God, or you may believe that He is a governing force that started this world into motion but cares very little about any of us individually.  All of the bad and evil in this world may lead you to believe these things...

"How could God let bad things happen?"  

"If, He really cared, if He was really there,

 then why doesn't He stop these things?" 

Maybe your questions are more personal...

If God is there then...

"Why does He let me suffer?"

  

"Why did everything fall apart in my life?" 

"Why is my son sick?"

  

"Why am I in physical pain?"

"Why did my husband have to die?"

  

"Why doesn't He just give me what I want? Can't He see what I need?...God must not be there..." 

I have been there before, I have asked those same questions...

"When all of my life I have tried to be good,

why is this happening to me?"

After the birth of my 4th child when I struggled with depression for 5 years...

When my husband and father-in law died in a plane accident....

Then the hospital my husband worked for and the company that serviced the plane filed lawsuits against his estate...

Then lightening hit the pool pump, a deer ran into the side of my car, and my air conditioner broke all within a few days...  

Then my house wouldn't sell, and the work to take care of it was so overwhelming...

Then I hurt my knee and back making doing the work I needed to do more difficult...

The list could go on and on...

What is coming next?

At times I wanted to shake my fists at heaven and cry out...

"Really?  Isn't it enough that my husband is gone?  

Do I have to deal with all of this as well?" 

Maybe it would be easier to believe that God does not exist... then I wouldn't have to wonder why He lets me struggle and suffer, and why it seems that I keep getting kicked while I am still knocked down...

I get it, I really do.  In those moments of suffering of pain and despair, the heavens can often seem closed...

but is it the heavens that are closed, or is it our hearts?

The last 21 months have been rough... the very most heart breaking and difficult in my entire life.  Yet, through it all, through those moments of despair, I have learned undeniably that...

God is there.

He does care, and

He is the only way up and out of despair. 

"How can this be?" you may ask.  "How with all of the hurt, can you even feel that?"  Maybe you are struggling too, and the heavens still seemed closed.  Maybe you are wondering how to find your own relief.  Maybe you are trying to reconcile your pain with a God that is supposed to love us.

This is what I have come to understand...

God wants something more for us than a carefree life with all of our wants, needs and desires met.  

He wants us to grow. 

He loves us enough to know that spoiling us would not be in the best interest of our character development.

He lets us face the consequences of our choices, He lets us face sorrows not of our making, He even allows other's poor decisions to impact us all for the purpose of personal growth.

Without tasting bitter would we know sweet? Without knowing sorrow how could we appreciate real joy?

Life was intended to give us these experiences so that we would experience personal growth....

• Sometimes that growth is in gaining empathy and understanding for others who are suffering, so that we can be used to succor them, lift them, and help to bear their burdens.  So that we can learn to turn from selfishness to selflessness.
• Sometimes that growth is in realizing that our priorities are not based on things that are lasting and that really matter... wealth, power, beauty.  Our trials give us the perspective that initiates change. They help us realign and refocus on the things that really bring happiness... family, helping others, strong character.

He loves us enough to encourage us to turn to Him for help.

So instead of viewing all of those things as punishment now, I see that...

God was asking me...

begging me...

to reach out to Him.

He wanted me to know Him.

All of my life, I thought that I was so smart, so good, so hardworking, so talented.  I always thought that I worked my own miracles. It took being humbled through trial upon trial to admit that I was incapable of solving my problems on my own... I had to get so low that I finally asked for help.

I had to open my heart to God's ability to help me,

 and I had to pray and ask for that help.

I had to accept that his help was NOT

 to change my circumstances but 

to enable me to deal with what I needed to face.

Maybe that is where the real test of faith lies.  Maybe that is the reason people choose to believe that God does not exist.  Maybe we are so caught up in wanting our struggles removed that we are unwilling to consider that going through them is better for us in the long run.  

God knows this, and eventually we come to discover this truth as well.

God does not delight in our suffering... 

He knows that it serves a purpose, but He is also willing to help us through.  However, He can't until we turn to Him and ask for that help.  He will never force us to do something we do not want to do.  There is no growth when we are forced, we must choose.  

We cannot hear His words of comfort if we close our ears,

We do not notice His tender mercies if we close our eyes, and

We cannot experience His added strength if we refuse to feel.

When we choose to open our hearts, our eyes, our ears and our souls to Him, then we discover that He has always been there... patiently waiting for us to discover the hand that has been stretched out all along.

So even though the last 21 months have been rough... the very most heart breaking and difficult in my entire life. They have also been the most miraculous, light and love-filled months of my life.

Because in my need, I have learned undeniably that God does exist, and more than that,  I have felt His personal love for me and His personal care and help.

As you read this I hope your heart, ears and eyes have been opened to this truth.  I hope you will search and pray and discover for yourself that His love is real.  It is amazing and it can help see you through your struggles too.

So is it easier to believe that God does not exist?  

Only if you want to do this life on your own.

Waiting for the Fourth Watch... Stretching My Faith and Trust

Waiting for the Fourth Watch... 

Stretching My Faith and Trust 

As I have been trying to wait patiently and have faith and trust in God concerning the sale of my house, a story from my past keeps entering my mind.  I wanted to share it with you and what it has recently taught me... 

When my husband was in medical school in Minnesota, we had 3 small boys.  My oldest son, Alex, had a lazy eye and had to wear glasses to help correct that problem.  One evening in October when my husband was working and I was making dinner for the kids, I let them play in our backyard while it was snowing. When dinner was done I called them in to eat.  Alex showed up at the door without his glasses.  After questioning him, it became apparent that they had gotten snowy and he had taken them off.  We made a quick trip around the yard to look for the glasses, yet we were not successful.  Money was very tight, and I knew that we did not have funds for new glasses. However, I also knew that with my son's condition that it was crucial that he have them.  

My heart began to sink, and the thought to pray entered my mind.

I felt this would be a great way to have my children experience the power of prayer, so I gathered them together and explained that I had faith that God would help us find Alex's glasses.  We said a prayer and went outside to look for them. 

The snow was coming down harder now, so I grabbed rakes from the garage and we began to rake through almost a foot of newly fallen snow.  As the evening progressed, it began to get dark, and I began to worry.  I knew that the snow would not melt until May and that we desperately needed to find those glasses.  I also worried that my children would receive the opposite lesson about faith and prayer that I had intended.  After over an hour of looking and with a very hungry tummy, I cried out in frustration, 

"God, how am I supposed to teach my children about faith if we don't find the glasses?  How could you prompt me to tell them what I did if you were not going to help me!" 

My tone severely lacked faith.

Fortunately, the prayer was in my head and not spoken out loud for my children to hear.  We looked another 10 minutes, and then in frustration, I threw the rake down and told the boys to come inside for dinner. 

As I stomped up the steps, there folded neatly in my path on top of the newly fallen snow, were my son's glasses.  The words, 

"Oh ye of little faith," entered my mind, and I quickly felt ashamed of my earlier accusation.

I gathered my children around inside and explained to them how God had answered our prayers even though my faith had faltered. 

We talked about how God sometimes waits to answer our prayers so that our faith will have the opportunity to grow. Then we prayed to thank him for our 'little miracle.' 

This story is very similar to the story in the New Testament of the Savior coming to the disciples in the ship during the fourth watch of the night...

24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary. 25 And ^ain the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea. (Matthew 14 :24-25)

For those of you who do not know, the night is divided into 4 watches with the fourth watch being right before the dawn.  Most of us really want God to answer our prayers in the first watch.

By the time we get to the third watch,

 we often feel our faith faltering. 

It is helpful to remember that sometimes God waits for that last possible moment, not because He doesn't love us, but because he wants to stretch our faith to the maximum amount giving us opportunity for maximum growth.

This is a video clip from a Michael Wilcox,

 a widower who is an inspirational speaker.

He shares this idea of a 'Fourth Watch God.'

The experience of finding my son's glasses and this concept of a 'Fourth Watch God,' helps me to have faith even when I feel like the answers are taking a long time coming... 

even when the "wind is contrary to me, and I toil in rowing again the wind." (see Mark 6:48) 

That is the kind of faith and trust I am trying to have.

What experiences from your life help you to wait patiently when answers do not immediately come?

Looking Down the Hole and Finding the Faith to Jump

Looking Down the Hole...

And Finding the Faith to Jump.

So I have been sweeping my floors and thinking again, sometimes not a good thing for me. (Not the sweeping, but the thinking)  I have such a hard time waiting on the Lord.  I can do it for a little while, and then I let my mind go too far ahead and I get impatient to know the answers and plans for the future. "Stay in the present!"  I tell myself. "Focus on what you are to do today.  Worry about your daily bread." That works temporarily, but I find myself back to the same place.

Something you need to know about me is that I am a planner.  All of my life, I have had a plan and I have worked that plan.  Furthermore, everything has always worked out according to my plan!  I have always been determined enough to finish and succeed at whatever I have started, and blessed enough to have things work out too.  Now, I have no plan. My old plan is gone and cannot be recovered. The plan I came up with right after Scott died did not work out, no matter how hard I tried to will it to.  The lesson was, "Stop trying to plan and trust Me to lead you where you need to go."  Life is topsie-turvey. Kind of a super scary thing for me.  I know why my life is this way though, it is because God really wants to teach me to quit trusting exclusively on myself (or my husband) and to start trusting wholly in Him.  He wants to grow my faith and trust in Him.

That trust is the last part of my will that I am clinging onto.  It's like the story of the little girl at the top of the well that her daddy was digging.  When she brought him his lunch, he asked her to throw it down into the darkness.  He caught it and then asked her to jump, reassuring her that he would catch her.  She could only hear his voice.  She could not see him nor how deep the well was.  All she had to go one was the prior experiences she had with her dad, and the fact that he had never let her down.  That little girl is me.  My Heavenly Father has never let me down, so why do I cling with butterflies in my stomach to the top of the well, reluctant to take that finally leap?

That is my musing today.  I know I just need to have faith and trust.  I know that, I really do!  But it is the fear part that is overriding my faith.  "Heavenly Father, I would really like... but I know that your way is better.  Still I would like....  What if I miss a prompting and mess this whole thing up?  What if I am too afraid to follow a prompting?  What if I think I am doing the right things, but I am wrong and I make a big mistake?"  So there is a little self-doubt in there with the fear.  Fear and self-doubt are not emotions of the spirit, they are caused by Satan to confuse us and to paralyze us into inaction.

So it's back to the drawing board again, or should I say, back to my knees.  I need to be reminded and reassured of everything I have felt to be true.  Reassured to be patient and to wait on the Lord.  Reassured that he is in the drivers seat, and although I do not know the route that we are taking, I am assured of the destination. Maybe also time for a little more of my THEME SONG, or a reminder from the scriptures...

1 Corinthians 2:9. " Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that Love Him."

Sometimes we just have to remember that His promises are sure and that He will take care of us and mold us if we simply trust in Him and turn our will over to Him.

Wrong Roads (3.5 minute video clip)

"God loves us, He is good, He is our father.  God expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give up and not panic and not retreat and not jump ship when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path, and we will live to fall in his arm and feel his embrace and hear him say, "I told you that it would be okay I told you that it would be alright." - Jeffery R Holland

Remaining Committed to Your Faith During Times of Trials

Remaining Committed to Your Faith During Times of Trials

Originally I wrote this to my LDS facebook widows/widowers group, but after I wrote it I thought that I would share it here as well, because I have found trials to be universal.  Whether we have lost a loved one, suffer financial difficulty, cannot have children, or are in marital or family distress,  all of our problems teach us the same lessons.  (Interesting how that is... it's almost as if there are universal lessons we are all required to learn.)  This came after listening to a talk posted by another widow in our group. I felt like it had so many nuggets of truth that I needed to sit down with it and write out my thoughts as I read it again. I think this talk refers to so much more than just murmuring, but it addresses the bigger issue of commitment to the gospel and staying committed and even becoming more committed through difficult circumstances.  I find that writing while I study gives me so much better understanding and helps to open up communication with my Heavenly Father.  I find that He is better able to school me when I am showing Him that I are really ready to study, listen and apply what He is going to tell me.

(Large type is from the talk and the italics are my thoughts.  The best part is at the end, so keep reading)

Murmuring is defined as a half-suppressed resentment or muttered complaint.

A basic cause of murmuring is that too many of us seem to expect that life will flow ever smoothly, featuring an unbroken chain of green lights with empty parking places just in front of our destinations!

We expect and want life to be easy because we do not understand that we must have difficult times for growth.  Eve so clearly understood this when she partook of the fruit.  Deeply contemplating all the ease that she would give up by remaining in the garden, she knew that it was better to pass through sorrow so that we could better know the good from the evil and move forward on our journey towards becoming more like Him.

We beggars are so concerned with our entitlements.

Murmuring often reflects discontent we have with our blessing.  We feel the Lord owes

The Growth of Faith in Trials

The Growth of Faith in Trials

This morning my insights came from Sariah, Nephi's mother.  Women are so rarely mentioned in the scriptures, but often when they are there is a very powerful lesson being taught.  I have missed this one until today.  I guess I just didn't have the life experiences to understand it yet. It ties well in with Monday's post so if you haven't read it yet... Profound Lessons Today. This is what I noticed today...

Sariah had the trial of having to wait on the Lord for her prayers to be answered.  The Lord often does not answer our prayers right away because the true growth in faith happens during the waiting.  If He helped us too quickly, we would be deprived of that increased faith.  His goal then is not to rescue us immediately, but to give us that sure knowledge and trust in him that leads to the fullness of joy.

Sariah struggles with this waiting. Perhaps this is the biggest trial she has ever had. This is the first time we hear of her murmuring against her husband and their decision to leave Jerusalem.  I am sure she had faced trials and difficulties from the journey already, but the thought of loosing all of her sons really brought her into a dark place. I understand that now, because I have been taken into that dark place many times when additional stresses have compounded the trial of losing my husband.  It is during these waiting times, that FEAR can creep into our faith.  It can destroy our hope with worries about the future, worries that may never even come to fruition.  That is not the work of God, but of the devil.  He wants us to be crippled by fear. He knows the power for good that is in all of us, and his goal is to disable us if he can get us to switch sides.

Even though Sariah struggles and feels fear, she listens to the counsel of her husband, the prophet, and she is comforted.  We learn that in that dark place she turns to the Lord and finds peace.  That is a great pattern for us.  Notice that she finds peace BEFORE the trial is ended.  Part of the reason for the delay in the answer is to give us time to come out of the darkness by turning to the Lord.  He gives us the opportunity to come to ourselves first.  THIS IS WHEN THE LEARNING HAPPENS!  It is in the coming to ourselves.  Just as

At Last I See the Light...

At Last I See the Light...

      I love the song from Disney's Tangled... At last I see the Light. 

 I love to look for deeper meanings in everyday things.  This song can be a sad love song for a widow who has lost her true love for a time, but it can also be one of hope about the light that Jesus Christ can bring.  

These past 10 months has taught me so much about proper priorities in my life.  

• It has taught me to turn to God for everything, to depend on Him and live each day seeking His Spirit, direction,  guidance and counsel.  
• It has taught me to look outside myself and serve and help others.  
• It has made earthly things and concerns seem oh so much less significant, and it has centered my mind on things of eternal importance.  

As I listen to this song,  I realize what a fog I was living my life in.  

At first for brief moments I saw the light...  

Now those moments are longer and longer...

Things seem so much clearer and...

 I realize this is where I was always meant to be. 

Does that mean I love my husband less? 

No, I love him all the more, with a purer, deeper love. 

I understand that this separation was necessary for my own personal growth, so that I could come to see the light and be better prepared for that glorious reunion with Scott and with my Savior.