The Long, Lonely Road

As I have fought and struggled with feelings of loneliness, I have questioned, "What is the purpose of the pain and suffering that so many of us feel from lost or non-existanting relationships?" I have wondered, "Am I having this experience because I need to learn to like being alone?

I have concluded that loneliness is not completely bad.  It can give us opportunities for personal growth and to reach out and serve others in ways that I don't think we do when we are busy with lots of personal relationships.  Loneliness can push us out of our comfort zone and can help us to look beyond ourselves with new found empathy.

But ultimately, what if the purpose of loneliness is to teach us something completely else?

What if loneliness is to teach us NOT to prefer to be alone?  What if loneliness is to teach us to finally be able to set aside personal differences and intolerances so that we can be in better relationships in the future?

The more I think about it, the more I believe that being alone is very contrary to our nature. Babies naturally opposed it.  They want to be swaddled, snuggled and embraced.  In fact babies who are void of loving contact can even cease to thrive and die.  We need our connection with others.  We crave it and desire to be deeply understood.  Yet this life experience is fraught with periods of loneliness .

Despite this deep internal desire, often it is the very things within our character that push us away from others. As we grow, our image of self emerges, and we struggle to find a balance between our desires and the desires of others.  Through experience we find that we cannot find happiness by fulling our own personal desires alone.  As much as we desire independence, the truth is, if we want to have loving relationships that fulfill our needs, we need to learn to be interdependent.

That means making personal sacrifices for the good of others that we care about.

As we struggle and feel loneliness, those feelings can increase our desire to not only have companionship again, but to be better companions ourselves.   Our losses can compel us to make changes that allow our cherished relationships to become even stronger.  Many have heard the phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Suffering, if honed for that purpose, can help our hearts expand in their capacity to feel and express love.  In turn we become more patient, forgiving and long-suffering toward others.

Loneliness can not only improve our ability to have better relationship with people, but it can help us desire to be closer to God.  When we separate ourselves from Him through disobedience and selfishness, tI believe the loss we feel is loneliness for His presence in our lives.  That loneliness also can compel us to change, to repent and be more obedient.

Ultimately I believe our souls are lonely for God and our relationship with Him.  Like prodigal sons we all eventually come to ourselves and miss home.  We miss and long to be back with Him and that is the incentive we need to reclaim that relationship.

As it is Easter Sunday tomorrow, I have been thinking of the loneliness that Christ felt in his last days.  In His most difficult hour, one by one all of his support system left Him.  Falling on his face in prayer, he was "sorrowful unto death," and surprised by the intensity of feelings enhanced by the withdrawal of his friends and then finally His Father. Crying with feelings of loneliness and pain, He asked, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Never before had Christ felt the absence of His Father's presence. Having been perfectly obedient, He had always enjoyed that comfort. Yet to be able to succor us, He had to experience what we feel when we personally disconnect ourselves from God.

Despite the pain Christ persevered.  He held on and overcame.  His faith propelled Him through this intense experience, and in so doing He gained the power to be able to help each of us through our own struggles with loneliness, personal sin, and tragedy.   His example gives me courage and it gives me strength to try to do the same. With His help I know that is possible.

Even when we feel alone, we can remember that Christ promised to not leave us alone.  Although the Father withdrew His presence from His Son for a moment, I do not believe He was very far away.  He did it just for long enough that Christ could push through the finish line and grab the prize. Exerting all of the faith within Him, in final triumph He proclaimed, "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit." (Luke 23:46)

We must do likewise in out moments of struggle.  We must push forward in faith and put ourselves in the hands of God.  In so doing we will find our own prize of expanded hearts.

"One of the great consolation of the Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so.  His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path- the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved son, the consulate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets, and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His gospel.  Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the trust that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are.  Truly the Redeemer of us all said:"I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you]." (John 14:18,23) - Jeffery R Holland

I will choose to let my loneliness school my desires.  I will choose to let it draw me closer to Him.  What will you let life's difficult experiences do for you?

The Root of Loneliness

Loneliness was not something I thought I would experience in my early 40's.  The loss of my husband, my children growing up, and half of my family no longer living in my home has left me with days that are often filled with solitude. Not that solitude is a bad thing, there are times when I relish the time to think, ponder, study and write.  Solitude has been a healing time for me,  but there are times when the solitude is too much and loneliness encroaches heavily on my heart.  This has cause me to think deeply about these emotions and to question their purpose in my life.

What is loneliness? 

What are the root causes of this emotion?

Loneliness is not the absence of people. 

I have found it to be the absence of an intimate connection. I can still feel lonely even in a large group of people. Conversations can go around around me.  I smile and feign interest, but inside  I am lonely because I feel emotionally isolated. I am lonely when there is something deep inside that I feel I cannot share or that no one around me understands. I believe we have a deep desire to be understood on a level that often defies words.  It is a spiritual desire that is only quenched by relationships that defy the trivial and approach the divine.

Loneliness is not about the absence of physical intimacy.

Although people often equate it with that and attempt to use sex as a substitute to fill the void they feel, physical intimacy without the deep emotional connection is empty and hollow.  It is an act that may temporarily cover symptoms, but it doesn't address the underlying problem.  In fact physical intimacy often makes feelings of loneliness more intense when we realize the act is void of commitment and deep emotional and spiritual connection. 

Loneliness is not necessarily cured by a relationship or a marriage.

The worse kind of loneliness is being with someone who does not emotionally and spiritually connect with you. In my loneliness, I have watched other couples and determined there are plenty of lonely people in marriages. People who feel they are not understood or can't connect with their partner on those intimate levels often silently suffer feelings of loneliness.  They often struggle with fears of abandonment not having a solid, deep, and permanent commitment in their relationships. 

Loneliness is a symptom of an underlying void in your life.  

In order to overcome loneliness, the underlying cause must be address not just the symptoms treated temporarily for the moment.   If left ignored, loneliness can grow and fester like a cancer and destroy the human spirit. So what is the underlying void causing loneliness?  

We are more than just physical beings.  There is an emotional, and spiritual side of us that has existed for longer than we remember.  I believe that void is a spiritually longing for a connection that we formerly enjoyed, something that emerges within us as a faint trace of a memory. It is not completely found in the relationships we form in this often disconnected mortal experience. Long ago we enjoyed this spiritual connection with each other and our Heavenly Father before our birth, when we existed with Him as his spiritual children.  It is that former connection that we long to recreate in the relationships we form here.

Loneliness reminds us that we are strangers here.  

It compels us to seek relationships and try to reconnect with that spiritual connection we once enjoyed. 

Loneliness is a symptom of a the inner longing to be deeply known and understood, it is a symptom of our separation from God. 

In a great marriage, a spouse can be a close substitute for that spiritual relationship we once enjoyed in the presence of our Heavenly Father. The best marriages are those that are triangle relationships between a husband, wife and the Lord.  I know this to be true because I experience this at times my marriages.  

At first, I thought loneliness was caused by the absence of Scott.  I miss him terribly, but as
I have pondered the source of my loneliness, I have realized there were times in our marriage when I felt lonely. Those were times when we were not "one" in purpose, not just with each other, but also with God.

I have come to the conclusion, that to actually heal that void, I have to first develop a deeper, stronger and more sustainable relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Over and over again, I have found relief from grief and loneliness is available as I turn more to God.  

His love, His understanding, His soothing is what I am truely missing. 

Relationships with others that are based on principles of unconditional love help us to feel His love through their hands. The intimate connection I felt with my husband was because he had learned to truly loved me and see me as Christ does. My relationships with my children, other family members and close friends can help me feel that love as well as we work to develop a mutual Christ-like love in those relationships.

My thoughts have been drawn back recently to the experience that prepared me for my husbands death as I was walking with my children a few hours before the accident.  Seeing them together, so happy and enjoying each other's company I had been filled with indescribable peace and joy.  The words had clearly formed in my mind...

 "If something happens to Scott, this will be enough, you could still be happy."  

In moments of intense loneliness, I have thought, "This isn't enough!"  I wished for someone to come into my life to fill the void I felt.  I am learning that this is not true.

I was being reminded that the relationships to provide me with the love, understanding and comfort that I needed already existed. 

I simply needed to continue to nurture them and make them stronger. God was trying to tell me that although I didn't have a husband to demonstrate God's love for me, I had been blessed with 4 amazing children who would still be able to do that for me.  I have been blessed with parents, and siblings and friends who do that on varying scales as well. 

"God gave us families to help us become what he wants us to be.  This is how he shares his love, for the family is of God."

I really am not alone, and even when those people are not actively showing me love, I can always turn directly to God and pray until I feel that love from Him flowing into me.  When no one else understands the unique circumstances of my heart, He does. He listens and He fills me with peace.

I have learned that the only way remarriage will be satisfying and fulfilling for me is if I can find a partner who is willing to work to have mutual unconditional love toward each another.  That will not just take a very special person, but a man who has a very special and personal relationship with the Lord. In order to find that again, I will have to trust God, if it is His will, to lead me to it.  According to His time table, if the opportunity arises for another marriage partner to be those hands, then I will welcome that blessing again in my life, but if not, then I know that my relationship with The Lord will be enough to carry me through the rest of this life. 

There is a promise at the end... If I live true and faithful, The Lord will welcome me back into that "oneness."  A oneness that will exist with Him and with other family members, especially my dear sweet husband. I look forward to and welcome that future day, but today I will work on my individual and personal relationship with the Lord.


A Caution and a Way Out: 

With the void felt from the loss of a spouse either through death or divorce, a very real danger exists.   The temptation to simply try to fill the void with another relationship can be intense.  People often prematurely begin dating and find themselves in unhealthy relationships. Moral judgment can be set aside in the moment. The temptation to temporarily fill or mask that void can be extreme. Sex, alcohol, drugs, even food are just that... temporary band-aids that leave the void all the more raw when the indulgence is over.

Furthermore, they can develop into dangerous patterns of addiction. I have friends that I have watch spiral into this trap.  I have watched as these choices have bread additional sorrow, feeling of regret, remorse and more intense loneliness.  Fortunately, for those that have fallen into this pit, I can testify that there is hope. It is escapable. I have watched friends turn to Christ and emerge from this entangling trap, but it has been a long and difficult climb for them.  My advice... even if you are intensely lonely, is to avoid them at all costs.

The Gift of Time

The Gift of Time...

While Waiting on the Lord. 

This is a thought that has reoccured in my mind...

"You've been given the gift of time. Do not wasted it. Time cannot be recovered. While you are waiting on the Lord you have time. What will you do with that time. Will you sit around bemoaning your situation, watching the clock, wondering when it will be over, and when you can finally moved to this happy new future? If that is the case, when and if you're hoped-for future comes, you will not find it as happy as you want it to be."

I have come to the conclusion that in this life there is no such thing as arriving at a future bliss. Every new phase has its own unique set of problems. 

If I cannot find joy in the journey,

 then I will not find joy in the destination. 

I have discovered three ways that help me make the journey more joyful. 

1. Use this time as a preparation. 
2. Find things to be grateful for now.
3. Do good and serve others. 

In the context of my personal experiences and some things I have observed, I wanted to share my thoughts about using this time as a preparation

Sometimes I am so impatient to get to the next phase of life...

I know that many widows, people suffering from divorce, or singles feel, "if I could only find a lasting relationship, then I would be happy again."

 I have found myself thinking those thoughts. 

When my world was shattered and everything I had hoped and planned for in my future was taken from me, I desperately wanted to reclaim it.  There was no way to reclaim what I had, so I thought I could recreate it.  Once I thought I was ready to move forward, not finding that immediately was a discouraging thing. 

• I was left wondering if God really loved me. 
• I questioned and wondered if there was something wrong with me. 
• I felt immense loneliness. 
• All of these things compounded the sadness and loss I alread felt. 

This was especially difficult when people around me seemed to be happy in their relationships. I looked at them and thought the grass was definitely greener on their side. 

Fortunately I am learning some very important things from other widowed remarried friends. 

• Second marriage is not easy! 
• It is not an escape or a way out. 
• It brings with it new challenges and learning experiences. 

If you find yourself in this same boat.... 

feeling like you're ready, but it's not happening yet.

Instead of being frustrated and upset about God's timing, 

 ask yourself these questions instead...

What does God want me to do while I'm single?

What things can I learn that will prepare me

 to be a better spouse and parent?

As I seek answers for those questions, God is helping me to see that this time of preparation will help the next phase of life to run more smoothly. The experiences I am having are teaching me important lessons. 

Here are some of the things I am learning...

1. I have to learn to be happy being alone. I need to find fulfillment in doing good things for others and derive my self-worth from how God feels about me and I feel about myself not from how others view me.
2. I need to learn how to unconditionally love. Loving unconditionally will help me be more understanding of a new spouse and a blended family. Practicing that now with my own kids and in my relationships will make a new marriage run smoother.
3. I cannot expect to have a trouble-free life. I have to except that I will have to deal with new challenges in a marriage and with additional children.  With proper's perspective, I need to view those challenges as learning opportunities that are necessary for my growth. This means that I may need to accept situations that are not ideal. 
4. I need to have the spirit with me so that I can have confirmation that all of my decisions are correct. That will give me strength when things are hard. It will help me to stay in the fight.
5. I need to prepare my children for the future. This time gives me the opportunity to talk with them about things, to ask them to pray about things and to get all of us on the same team. 

Asking questions and being open to the answers helps me to find purpose in my struggles.  It helps me to move forward with greater understanding and faith.