A New Hope

This morning my oldest son returns from faithfully serving a two-year mission for our church in Chile. This day is almost surreal to me. When I sent him off just eight months after the death of my husband, two years seemed like an eternity. Then I sent my second son a year later. I'm impressed by the sacrifice that my two boys have made to devote two years of their life to serving God especially in light of the trying circumstances of our family. I have felt blessings pour down from heaven because of their willingness to reach out to others and serve God even when it is very hard to do so. In a way I'm afraid that we are going to miss those blessings when they return home.

But this morning my thoughts are towards that anticipated reunion. I cannot tell you how many times I have replayed it in my mind. For months I have cried every time I have thought about it. I have vacillated between feelings of fear, nervousness and excitement, but this morning it is anxious anticipation. I'm getting one of my boys back! Our family is growing bigger today, and I have so needed the hope for the future that is filling me today.

My thoughts have also been drawn to a future reunion. A reunion where I will be returning home from my mission here.  I've thought of the anxious anticipation that Scott and other loved ones will feel as they await the return of a loved family member who has served their life well. I think I will feel a portion of that joy today when we welcome Alex home.  I expect that the circle of family hugging will be much larger than what is seen.

So many people have asked me how I could possibly send out my sons for so long and if I worry about them.  I did it because I know that is what God wanted me to do and wanted them to do.  This is what I raised and prepared my sons to do, and I felt Scot say, "don't worry about them a bit.  I've got them for two years and I'm so excited about this!"  So today, he will be there at the hand off... And I will take over that stewardship again. But today I feel him say, " I'm so proud of the man he has become.  You are going to be amazed."

Twenty-five minutes until he lands...


I don't think I have fully comprehended the joy that God expects us to feel from our posterity. Sometimes it's so easy to get wrapped up in the messes and the homework and the disagreements that happen in a family. But when a family member is gone for a period of time and you feel sorrow and a deep longing for their reunion, a place in your heart is carved to receive greater joy.  I think I'm about to feel a taste of that joy.

The welcome home in action

I'm just taking a moment to post this tonight... What a wonderful awesome day.  I feel like my heart is so full.  So full of love for my family.  Today has been a beautiful, uplifting and full of hope for the future.  Today was a taste of the joyous reunion that awaits our whole family in the future.  It has renewed strength within me to keep trying to do good and to wait on the Lord.  

Sometimes it is really hard to wait for those promised blessings, but I can tell you that today taught me that the waiting is worth every moment of pain.

I'm not Opinionated, I'm just Always Right

I have often had a inner struggles with the need 'to be right.' I think it is one of my biggest weaknesses.  When I was 16 my family bought me a sweatshirt that said, 

"I'm Not Opinionated, I'm just Always Right!"

I honestly didn't understand why they thought it was so funny.  That was how very un-selfaware I was.  I still really struggle with this, but now it is something I am working to correct within myself. I equate it with pride or the lack of humility or meekness. 

The need 'to be right' is one of the biggest cancers in relationships.

I find that if I ever feel the need to justify my negative behavior that I am flat out in the wrong.  It doesn't matter what someone else has done or said, I have the ability to control my response and I do not need to respond negatively in turn.  I can choose to do better than that.  Inflamed communications don't need fanning of the fire, they need quenching.  I can choose to be the water that smooths things over if I am thinking and empathizing with the other person instead of thinking of myself.

The other day I was driving with my 15 year-old son who was not listening to my patient corrections about his driving.  I raised my voice and then I began to berate him.  I watched as he became more anxious and I felt him close off from me.  I knew that I had damaged our relationship by my unkind corrections.

Now I could have easily justified myself because of the potential danger of having an accident.  I did need to correct him, but it was not the correction that was the problem, it was the way I did it and the way I made him feel.  

I was wrong because I made him feel bad.

I am always in the wrong, even if I am right, if I make someone feel bad.

One of the biggest problems with this kind of communication is that we cripple other people's ability to positively act.  We hurt their confidence and we put them in a place where they cannot feel the spirit.

Do I care more about my car than I do about my son's ability to feel the spirit and to feel good about himself?

It took me about 5 minutes to suck it up and apologize for my response. (Something that has been very hard for me to do, but because I know how important it is, it is something that I have been forcing myself to do.)  I told him that there was no excuse for how I had treated him.  I asked for his forgiveness and then I told him how well he was doing with his driving.  Then we were in a place that I could positively discuss the things he needed to focus on doing in our next driving session.  I reassured him that I knew he would be able to make those changes.

We had a totally different night and totally different experience driving the next day than we would have had if I had not swallowed my pride and apologized.

As hard as to eat crow in that moment, it felt so AMAZING afterward!  I felt the spirit again, and so did he.

None of us like to be put down or simply 'take it,'  but we need to consider our motivations and the consequences of our responses.  Are we fighting because we want to be right or justified?  Is our stand worth the withdrawl of the spirit? Can I say what needs to be said with the spirit, and will my words influence the person I am speaking to so  they will want to  change?  If the spirit cannot be present and if it is not the motivation for us to speak, then we need to swallow our pride and walk away.  

Shortly after we got married, my husband shared this scripture with me and told me that this was the pattern he wanted to use to raise our children. 

D&C  121:43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

I have thought often on this scripture and the need to only act in sharpness if I feel the spirit prompt me to do so.  If I am angry or hurt, then I cannot feel the spirit and so I should not respond this way.

I invite you to look inward at your motivations, ask God for help in changing them, and then work on those things so that you can improve your relationships.  I encourage you to study the following article and share back about how putting these things into practice has improved your ability to feel the spirit and to positively influence others.

Condie, Spencer J. "Reproving With Love," Ensign Aug 1979

If I Only Had Today

If I Only Had Today

There is a song by Hillary Weeks called, If I Only Had Today, that I heard this weekend at women's motivational retreat. Quite honestly, it was really hard for me to hear.  I struggled to fight back the tears and stay composed.  I even thought of bolting from the room, but I didn't want to make a scene so I stayed and just listened. It couldn't get over fast enough...

So why am I writing a post about it, in the dark at 5:00 am on Sunday morning?

Honestly, I would rather not... but I woke up this morning so compelled that I needed to share this message, so I am following what I call a prompting from the Spirit.  I believe someone out there needs this message, and that is more important than the pain that it causes me.

The song is about all of the things you would do if you knew you only had today left to live.  Although I have many more days of my own, I do not have those days with my husband anymore.  She sings of all of my regrets....

The time my husband came home and I had my hands in the chicken and I didn't wash them and go to him with a hug and a kiss... 

The time when he wanted to talk me into staying in bed on a Saturday morning, but I wiggled away because I just had to go running... 

How he always said I love you first, and I rarely ever initiated that sentiment...

I know these are not big things.

We had an amazing marriage and were in a really good place when the accident happened, and for that I am very grateful. I know so many other people who have lost spouses that have far bigger demons to deal with, and if these little things still bring back so much pain for me almost 2 years later, I can only imagine how much pain they feel.

So what is the point of dredging up all of these feelings of loss again?

Yesterday I couldn't see one...

but today, this morning, I see something new.

I see that I still have children, parents and siblings to love.

Even though I cannot go back and change the past, I can change today for them.

This is about reflecting on my priorities every morning in my prayers.  It is about putting people before tasks and relationships above mortal accomplishments.

So I invite you to listen to this song and not reflect on mistakes that you have made in the past, but to think forward and to think of what you could do with those relationships today to build and strengthen them.  I invite you to pick out one thing to work on this week to help your priorities be in a better place.

• Maybe it is to forgive someone who was close to you, and to work on rebuilding that relationship
• Maybe it is to drop what you want to do and spend time with someone doing what they want to do
• Maybe it is to work on how you speak to a loved one, or to say I love you more often.

Whatever it is, I invite you to write it down you plan somewhere where you will see it everyday.  Make it part of your prayers and part of your daily planning,  and then thank God for those experiences at the end of the day. I would love to hear back about the changes you have made and how this has strengthened you home and family.

My goal is to tell my children that I love them everyday.  I will be posting back on this in two weeks to let you know the change that I have experienced in my life.   

"If I Only Had Today"

by Hillary Weeks

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets

And stared at a thousand full moons.

Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever

And sometimes it all feels brand new.

I could never count the heartbeats

From the day I was born until now.

But not a single one goes unnoticed

By Him who breathes life in me somehow.

But if there were no more tomorrows

If I knew that I could not stay.

I know how I'd spend every moment

If only I had today.

I'd hold you and listen

And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.

I'd tell you I loved you over and over

And for once I'd just let the phone ring.

The I'd remind you of forever

And how our love would never change.

If I only had today.

I'd wake up before the sun did

And I'd watch as you quietly sleep.

I'd pray for time to move slowly

Knowing the moment won't keep.

All the gifts that Heaven has given

Every blessing that's come my way.

Wouldn't mean anything without you

So if I only had today.

I'd hold you and listen

I'd memorize every detail of you face.

I'd tell you I loved you over and over

I wouldn't let excuses get in the way.

Then I'd remind you of forever

And how our love would never change.

If I only had today.

There's no time like the present.

Life doesn't come with any guarantees.

The sun will set and time won't wait

So while I have today:

I'll hold you and listen

And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.

I'll tell you I loved you over and over

And for once I'll just let the phone ring.

The I'll remind you of forever

And how our love would never change.

If I only had today.