Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones?

I know of several people who are experiencing severe trials in their lives right now. Their circumstances have made me reflect on the things our family has faced. I have been reminded of the pain, the struggles, the questions... the really hopeless times. Then I have thought of all of the experiences that have come because of those hard things. I've looked at how my faith and trust in God has grown these past 4 years. I've noticed how fear controls a much smaller portion of my life and how my desire to control my circumstances and other people has diminished. I can see that I am better at feeling peace, better at loving others, better at dealing with my trials.

One truth I have learned is that Severe Trials have the propensity to propel you forward.

The stones in our path can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones. How we choose to view them and use them makes all of the difference.

I'm grateful for the truth I know that has allowed me to eventually see those stones as positive ways to move forward. As I approach year four on this journey, my goal is to not get tripped up by the stones in the path, but to use them to propel me forward. My goal is to feel more joy in life and to allow Christ to resorb some of the sorrow.

This summer I had all of my kids home for the first time in three years. All of the loss and waiting has taught me that I have much to be grateful for. As I have focused on the good in my life, I have found the power to get over those stones is much greater. Lately, I have noticed that they seem smaller. I have wondered if my eyes are playing tricks on me. Perhaps with all of the climbing, my legs have finally gotten stronger. Either way, I've also noticed that the weight in my pack doesn't seem as heavy when I let go of the negative thoughts that pull me down and focus on the lighter thoughts of gratitude.

Trials can strengthen you and gratitude can lift you. What we do with the things we are given makes all of the difference.

I hope today that my thoughts give you something to reflect on.

• How can you look at the stones in your life differently? 
• What role can gratitude play in helping you overcome those hurdles before you?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

To Save My Life

This morning I was making cookies and listening to a new book on tape. A story from that book spoke to me in such a deep and profound way. The author tells of a young pioneer girl being rescued from a stranded handcart company trying to go west far too late in the season. They had suffered immensely, starvation, exposure, and even death. The rescuers brought food and clothing, but they did not have the wagons to carry all of the surviving handcart members. Anyone who was able was required to walk next to the wagons carrying the sick. Several of the children decided to run in an attempt to get invited to ride in a wagon. One by one the children dropped out, and one girl remained determined in her course. The wagon driver asked her if she wanted a ride. When she replied yes, he took her hand, but instead swinging her up into the wagon, he signaled for the horses to speed up. A little confused, she ran for what she described as several miles, and in the running she thought for sure that this driver was the meanest person that she had ever met. Then just as her strength was about to give out, he scooped her up in a blanket, all warm from her exertion, and settled her into the base of the wagon. Later she realized that this driver had saved her from freezing; he had saved her life.

The story brought tears to my eyes as I saw myself as that little girl, running with all the strength I could muster, feeling for certain that any moment my legs were going to give out, wondering why He doesn't just pick me up and put me in the wagon. Then just as clearly as I saw that picture in my mind I heard words to accompany it, "I'm making you run to save your life."

Rarely has such a simple phrase so deeply impressed my heart, and I began to sob right there in my kitchen with my hands covered in cookie dough. Finally an answer, when I have been struggling, feeling so very inadequate and tired. A purpose to my running.

Why is it when we have already been knocked down that sometimes additional adversity comes? Why is it even when we are determined to do good and right, that we feel that we are being made to run to the point of exhaustion while others may ride in the wagon?

We hear the phrase, "Life isn't fair," and that supposed to make us feel better about injustices and inequality. But maybe "fair" isn't the point. Maybe God sees in us something He can cultivate, something that's worth extra expenditure of energy to achieve, and so He pushes us. He pushes us even though we want to give up, even though we may think He is mean. He pushes us right to our breaking point, so that we can see what we are made of, so that He can bring out something that may very well save our life in a spiritual sense.

That was my answer today, and it gave me some hope. It gave me a reason to refocus my running, to not think about giving up. Someday, He may scoop me up and let me ride for time in the wagon, but there will be additional hardships ahead. The journey is far from over. He knows that I'm not done running. So each of these experiences He gives me strengthens me, keeping me warm and ready for the next run.

Today I see a little bit more purpose in my suffering. If I can just keep this picture and feeling in my heart, the running will be so much easier. So I share this with you today, in hopes that it will create in you, you're own little vision, your own hope, your own feeling of purpose to the adversity you are facing. Don't drop out! Don't stop running, the running is what will save your life.

Questions To Ponder:

How is persevering through your trials making you a better person?


Story from Hafen, Bruce C. "A Contrite Spirit."

Why would a loving God let us suffer?

I am writing a follow-up post on my previous blog, "Is it easier to believe that God does not exist?" to answer a comment from one of my readers who is also a widow. 

 She says, "OK...I believe. I know God is here along with my husband. I know he loves me. BUT...why would he, if he loves me like a Father, make me hurt the way I do? Why would he let us have this much pain? I know as a Mother I would NEVER, EVER want to cause my child to feel like this. Yeah, it's not for us to know yet. Or "Everything happens towards good things." It still hurts. Above you said "He will never force us to do something we don't want to do." Well...I sure don't want to live this life I have now. Why won't he come and get me too?"

First, I am not going to say something magical in this post that is going to instantly change all of those feelings.  The things she shares are things that everyone who looses a spouse feels.  Even people who have faith in God feel this way at one point.  I know I felt like this too.  

Second, I think these feelings can be echoed by anyone who has experience major hurt.  Trials, loss, pain, and suffering are so hard, and it is human nature to desire an easy way out.  We wish to escape anything unpleasant, even if there is an opportunity for learn and growth...

With grief and loss we all need time

 to process and to come to acceptance.  

That takes time...  

It takes thought and searching... 

And it takes willingness to change.  

None of which happens overnight, but it does happen.   

I want to share a story from my past that may help this process...

When my oldest son was little, he was obsessed with flying.  He wanted to fly soooo badly, and he was sure that he could build a contraption to allow him to do it.  He studied about planes and drew designs.  With access to cardboard boxes, 2 liter plastic bottles and tape he built a rocket jet pack.  Proudly he came to me wearing his creation and announce that he needed the ladder so that he could jump off the roof.  I'm sure that I looked at him in total disbelief.  Being very practically minded, I inadvertently squelched his dream of flight, by telling him that his rocket jetpack would not actually function, and that it would not keep him aloft. (Looking back, I probably should have broken the news to him more gently)

Alex was crushed... 

Not only was he crushed, but he was really angry, 

and he was angry at me.  

He could not even begin to understand 

why I would not let him realize his dream. 

In his young mind, I was all that stood between despair and  happiness.

 I share this story because it illustrates perspective...

The different perspective of a parent and a child.

I do not want to minimize my sons feelings, because they were legitimate and real.  However, as his mother, I had greater understanding and the foresight to know that his plan would not bring him the greatest long-term happiness and would not be best for his longterm health, growth or development. 

At this point, no amount of calm reasoning would have appealed to his limited understanding of flight dynamics and propulsion.  Alex needed more experience before he was ready to accept that his creation could not fly.  Fortunately he has since arrived at that knowledge and now concedes that his mother did love him when she would not let him jump from the roof.

Another story...

My children took a very long time to walk.  They were all over 14 months.  For months I walked hunched over allowing them to grip my fingers as they toddled along.  Eventually it was time for them to let go and learn to walk on their own.   I crouched a few feet from the couch to coax my son into letting go and coming to me.  My young son, in perfect trust and with a big grin on his face, awkwardly teetered into my arms.  Over and over we repeated this scene as I moved further and further away.  On about the 5th attempt, Eric in his anxiousness to get to me led with his head and not with his feet.  Helplessly I watched him fall and his big grin turned into a disbelieving wail.   

"How could you let me fall?"  His face seemed to say as he screamed wide eyed at me.  I pulled him into my arms and soothed the hurt.  At first he resisted, feeling that I was to blame, but as I talked to him in an understanding voice his tears soon subsided.  I placed him back at the couch to try again. 

How could I do that?  

As a loving mother, how could I place my child

 in a place where he would definitely be subject

to further hurt and injury?

Why did I not just go back to forever holding his hand?  

Certainly that would be much kinder.  

He would never have to hurt.

But that is not how a loving parent acts.  We warn, we teach, but we cannot shelter or over protect our children.  Sometimes we have to let them fall so they can learn to walk on their own.  Even though we know that they will hurt.  We hurt with them.  We try to comfort them.  We try to show them the easier way, but sometimes we know they just will fall.

I want to share something from a widower who has been a mentor to me.  His words shortly after his wife's death have given me comfort and direction, and I find great wisdom in his counsel.

"When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father." - Richard G Scott

I have lived by these words and I can tell you that these are the questions that have...

brought me peace and 

brought me understanding and 

brought me answers.

He continues saying...

"To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love."

Somedays it would be nice if He would come and get me...

 if I could be done with the difficulties and struggles of life... 

and someday it will be my time too....

But for now His answers are that I still have... 

more to learn,

more to do, and

more people to help before I'm through.

That takes me back to the name of this blog...

There is a picture I hold in my mind.  When I finally do get back to my husband, I will run and fall into his arms and he will swing me around.  I don't want him to say, 

"You wasted it, all that time we were apart.." instead I want to hear him say,

"You did it.  This was worth it. It was not for naught."

Trust in the Lord- Richard G. Scott

Something Beautiful from the Ashes

     Something Beautiful from the Ashes

When the dust settles after the destruction, you look around at what your life is...      

                                                          Shattered....   

                                and Broken...

You wonder how you ever find happiness again, how anything will ever be made right.

I remember thinking, "God, I don't have to be happy I just need to quit hurting. If I could just breathe and have this crushing weight removed from my chest, then that would be enough."

                         All seemed lost...

                                             All I saw was the devastating ashes.

Periodically forests need a cleansing process. Trees are old and diseased, underbrush  crowded. Very little light reaches the forest floor. Despite the fact that every year trees produce seeds that fall to the fertile soil below, they rarely grow into trees. The lack of light and space prevents their growth.

                                 Sometimes our lives are like crowded forests. 

Dead wood decays. Lack of light hampers our growth.

            Perhaps it's an uncontrollable act like a lightning strike, 

...  or a stray spark from a careless camper that starts it. 

With the right conditions, the fire rages through acres. Leaving devastation in it's wake.

             What remains are the charred ashes of a once beautiful green paradise.

How can God allow so much destruction

of so much beauty?

How Much Trouble Can 4 Kids Get into with a Gator, Ski Rope and Sled on a Snow Day?

Written Friday, December 6, 2013...

CRAZY, CRAZY SNOW DAY

The IDEA (VIDEO BELOW)

Today we had a big snow storm.  In southern Missouri that is a rare things.  My kids were all off school and wanted to spend the day out frolicking in the snow. After lunch they begged to get the gator out with the ski rope and their sled.  I relented despite my fears of broken bones.  I watched them play from the window on my upstairs bathroom.  

This is the tame version I saw from my window.  Check out the video below.

For many people today, the snow was an obstacle in getting to work or another thing to take care of after a busy day.  For my kids it was a playground.  Youth so easily bounce back from difficulties.  They are good at taking lemons and making lemonade.  Somehow as we age we loose the propensity for fun and looking at things positively.  Life becomes overly serious.  Not that there aren't times to be serious, but often a little levity and a positive attitude can help us get through the darkest day. 

I was cleaning my bathrooms while the kids were freezing their tushes, and I came across my favorite saying on the counter.  "Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning to Dance in the Rain" (or today about playing in the snow). I reflected on that a bit and thought how I need to try to make that more my attitude on difficult days.  There is a song that I like to listen that also talks about rain and storms...

Sometimes He Lets it Rain by Katherine Nelson

Sometimes He lets it rain, He lets the fierce wind blow. Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow. He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain, but sometimes he lets it rain. 

There is just no way of avoiding it, life is just going to be full of rainstorms.  If we know their purpose then we can embrace them. We can approach them with cheerfulness because we know that they will change us for the better.  Instead of mopeing and hiding out during the storms, we can get out there and dance.  We can be a shining example to others of how to endure and face our trials well, and in that process we will be able to find joy in the journey.  That's what I remembered watching my children today.  Now, it's getting dark and they are sure to be cold.  I think I had better go put some hot chocolate on the stove.  Bathrooms will have to wait until later. 

THE END RESULT (You have to watch this!)

P.S.  Some of you may wonder why Mom wasn't out there enjoying the fun.  I recently hurt my SI joint and am on restricted activity.  Watch the video and you will understand.  My 17 year old is still complaining that his back hurts!  Crazy, crazy boys!

Principle 11

Principle 11

Adversity is a necessary part of life and it accelerates our growth

The intent of your Father in Heaven is to lift you from where you are to where

 He knows you will have eternal purpose. 

He knows that we will grow more rapidly through challenge and trial

 than from a life of ease and serenity with no disturbing elements.

When faced squarely and lived fully without complaint,

 trials will raise you to glorious heights of accomplishment and service.

"Shake well before using"

Such shaking comes through stirring challenges and stretching tests. 

How these challenges are confronted is critically important to our happiness and personal growth now and forever.

Trials come from two sources:

1. The affects of our own transgressions

2. Testing needed to help us grow even when we are living a righteous life.

The First Source of Adversity:

Realize your full dependence upon the Lord, align your life with His teachings,

 repent and seek forgiveness

The Second Source of Adversity:

(challenges often seems to come in multiple does applied simultaneously)

When trials are not the consequences of disobedience, 

they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more

He gives us experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, 

and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.

Where you are -> (stretching, discomfort and pain) -> Where He wants you

How to Deal with Adversity:

1. Pondering and prayer will help us understand what we are to learn from the challenges we are asked to overcome.
2. Trust Him, even when in eternal perspective it temporarily hurts very much.  
1. He may ask you to do things which are powerfully against your will. 
2. The path you are to walk through life may be very different than others.
3. Exercise faith and say, Let Thy will be done.
4. Have patience when you are asked to wait.
1. ***If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow.

Such experiences, honorably met, prepare you and condition you for yet greater blessings. 

He desires to share with you all that He has.  

He desires to increase your capacity and continue your development.

***All TRIAL AND SUFFERING SERVE A PURPOSE AND ARE CRITICAL.***

He would have you suffer no consequence, face no challenge, endure no burden that is superfluous to your good.  He would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.

A Trouble-free Life

A Trouble-free Life

Expecting a trouble free life because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. - Harold S Kushner

I remember a time in my life when I hoped desperately that I could avoid significant trials by being good. Honestly, I've never been a 'bad' person.  I don't think I really could be, even if I tried really hard.  I have always cared too much about what other people thought of me.  I always wanted to please my teachers and other adult leaders, and I NEVER wanted to get in trouble.  I remember once as a teenager,  my date had wanted to take a short cut across someone's lawn.  I tried to convince him to just take the long way with me because I was afraid that the owner would come out and yell at us. I did not succeed, and I found myself sheepishly following him across the yard.  Sure enough, the occupant opened the door and chastised us for being so thoughtless. I profusely apologized and was totally mortified.  My date just laughed at me.

I avoided big mistakes and bad choices that could cause undesirable consequences like the plague.  For the most part, my life was fairly trouble-free.  Sure, I had occasional pitfalls, but they were not earth shattering by any means.  After my husband finished residency and we settled into a 'real' job, I remember feeling really uneasy.  I worried that my perfect little world would somehow crumble.  I thought of ways that I could be better than just 'good.'  In my mind, I thought if I could be just a little better and a little closer to perfect, then I would continue to be blessed and ward off any significant setbacks.  However, no matter how much better I was, I found that there was always a way to do more.  Eventually, I began to feel overwhelmed at the never ending task.  I remember asking an older, trusted friend, "Do you think you could be righteous enough to avoid trials."  She just chuckled and said, "But we came here to experience trials.  You CAN"T avoid them."

Jeffery R Holland taught that when we lived with God prior to our birth, "we agreed to such a time of challenge and refinement. We were taught then that facing, resolving and enduring troublesome times was the price we would pay for progress.  And we were committed to progress eternally."

Eventually, I learned to accept this principle and to not fear the big trial that I felt was coming.  Not only did I not fear it, but I began to prepare myself and to resolve to face it head on and learn the lessons that I so definitely needed to learn.

Thomas Paine said, "I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and from brave by reflection.  It is the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death."

I intend to "grow brave by reflection," and "gather strength from my distress"  as  I "smile in trouble."  I have seen light come to me as I have done this.  I have seen joy come back into our home.  God loves us and he wants us "have joy" even in our times of trials.  I know that life can be difficult, but I also know from personal experience that God's care can get us through and help us prevail.

In the Depths of the sea aug 22, 2013

In the Depths

Aug 22, 2013

I wanted to share what we talked about in our family devotional this morning before I head out to pitch mulch. (My new career now a days). I find patterns in scripture stories that relate directly to my life.

I wish this would have been emphasized to me as a youth. This is the scripture that prompted our discussion...

24 For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.

25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come. Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of sea? - Book of Mormon: Ether 2:24-25

This passage hit me in a new way today. I stopped reading and I said to my children,

Life is like this... 

We are going to be dashed by big waves

and buried in the depths of the sea of trials and tribulations, 

but do not loose hope because 

the Lord has promised that he will bring us up through those trials

 if we will turn to Him,

 for He is in control of the wind and the rains.

Looking Back: Seeing growth from 7 to 11 months out

Looking Back: 

Seeing growth from 7 to 11 months out

October 1, 2013

Last night  I was rereading journal entries as I searched for answers to help a newly widowed friend.  I came across this entry from 4 months ago.  It reminded me where I was in this journey then and looking back I can see now how far I have come.   

That is so encouraging to me!  

I see how the Lord is shaping me.  

I can see how those experiences made me turn more to Him, 

and I can see how turning to Him brought me the peace, comfort and 

added strength to get through these trials.  

My house still hasn't sold.  I just found out that I have to replace one of my AC units, so the the financial issues still remain.  A few weeks ago my 14 year-old slacked off with school again, but despite the problems that still remain, I have been given the ability to deal with them.  

I'm not a stressed out frazzled mess.  I am very much at peace.  

I know that the Lord is in control and I am content with that.  I have seen miracles happen in my life as He has aided me.  I don't know what the future or even tomorrow will bring, but...

• I am content to get the daily support and direction from the Lord.  
• I am content to have less things, 
• I am happier about serving others.  
• I love and empathize more deeply with people.  
• I am so much happier with the person that I am becoming than I was with myself a year ago.

Trials are hard, they are not fun,

 but I no longer wish them away.  

I know that I need them. 

So I say, "Come what may, and love it."

"Mistake to send the Hand Cart Company out so late in the season? 

Yes. But I was in that Company and my wife was in it. . . . 

I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart but my eyes saw no one. 

I knew then that the Angels of God were there.

Was I sorry that I chose to come by hand cart? 

No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. 

The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful

 that I was privileged to come in the Martin Hand Cart Company"

- Francis Webster, Member of the Martin Handcart company.

June 9, 2013

What a week! First 'A' hit a deer on C's birthday while driving my car.  Actually the deer hit the car on the side at the front wheel, rolled down the side taking off the front mirror and denting the door.  When I called the insurance I learned we had a 2000$ deductible and they would raise our rates 30% if I claimed it for 3 years ( totaling another 10,500$). The first appraisal was 2800$ then they called back and said they quoted the wrong mirror and it would actually be 4800$. To make matters worse R and C came down with the stomach flu.  C insisted on going out to famous Dave's for his birthday dinner and then threw it all up out the car window on the way home.  'A' power washed the car off and I cleaned the inside.

Sometimes you have to wonder why 

when it rains it always pours. 

Of course I found out about the appraisal increase minutes before I had to take E to counseling. I was upset in the car, stressed about what to do. I didn't want to go, it was such bad timing, but if you don't cancel 24 hours in advance then you still have to pay so I went anyway.  In the car I was talking to myself, 

" I'm just going to have to sell my car.  I can't afford to fix a car that costs that much."  (I was upset about that because Scott bought that car for me because I liked, and we picked it up in Germany together.  It was such a fun trip. And it is the first car I have ever really felt attached to.  I don't know if it is the car or just the jester that he did for me just to make me happy.  It wasn't practical, but I said I liked it and he bought it.).

I said I would have to drive the C class and get something different for the kids.  E piped up, 

"Oh good then I can pick what I want."  

I shot that down immediately, 

"You will have to drive whatever cheap used car I can afford." 

E replied, 

"That's not fair, A and C got to pick their cars."

Then I proceeded to tell him all the ways that life was not fair now.  When we got to the counselors we were both steaming mad.  I brought up E lying to me about stealing A's iPad to sneak watching more TV. Then the whole car conversations came up and it turned into a big yelling match.  The only good thing that came out of it was the E said that he felt that his Dad didn't love him as much as the other boys because he spent more time with them- building the car. 

 I can understand why E felt that way.  

He was just getting to the age that C was when they started the car.  It was going to be his turn to have those teenage years with his dad and he got gipped on them.  He was put off by his dad who said, 

" It will be your turn as soon as Alex is gone."  

E was also in a lot of trouble with his attitude about school, his work ethic and his lieing that was going on before Scott died.  We were both really frustrated that we couldn't help E to change and that he was so insistent on not changing.  It is very hard to watch a child make choices over and over again that you know will not bring him happiness.  I am such an anti-procrastinator that I don't deal well or understand people who are procrastinators.  Neither did Scott. Neither one of us was getting anywhere with E nor did we have a clue how to do it.  In the car ride home I apologized to E and told him that he need to talk to his dad about some of these things and forgive him.  

I told him that he would feel his dad's approval

if he would do that.  

We also talked again about lieing and how that prevented him from feeling his dad and the spirit.  I don't know? Maybe it was good after all to at least get that out.  I don't know if we are going to go back.  

While I was in counseling Alex kept texting me websites to buy the parts cheaper.  I finally told him when he called. I couldn't talk now.  For 85$ an hour, I didn't have time to deal with that too.  When I got home we looked at the site.  I decided to order the mirror parts there- it saved me 1400$.  We will see of it works out.  The reviews were either really great or really bad.  

In order to pay for the car, I decided that I needed to sell some things. I sold the pool table and then I listed all of Scott's BBQ supplies, Big Green Egg and our pool patio furniture.  I sold the Egg and all of the BBQ supplies before 8 am the next morning and the patio furniture that afternoon after just getting the deck boxes on Craig's list.  I made enough money to cover the repair for the car.  

It was a miracle how fast everything sold.  

That night I came down with the stomach flu.  I spent the next morning writhing on the bathroom floor.  A gave me a blessing and the stomach cramps calmed down.  I was able to sleep the rest of the day. That morning the guy came for the pool furniture and I had to send E out to get the rest of the money and help them load it up because I was too sick to get up and A and C had gone to SAMs to get the food for E's campout.  

When so much bad seems to pile up and everything seems to go wrong,  it causes my faith to falter. 

I start to wonder why is everything so hard?Why does it seem that everything goes wrong when I have already lost so much?What am I supposed to learn from this?Why is this better for me?  I just don't see the big picture? Show it to me so I can understand why?  

I kneel and pray and pray and pray for strength to get through each day, for peace, for acceptance of God's will.  I confirm that I know his plan has to be better than mine even if I can't see it now.  I try to trust that He will take care of us, obviously not in the way that I was planning on, but in a way that has to be better for us in the long run.  It's so hard for me as a planner to watch the weeks go by and see my house not sell. Oh, Heavenly Father help this all to work out some how and help me to be happy again.  I know I will be when this life ends, but I know I need to learn to find happiness despite all of the trials.  

I don't want my kids to remember me as a dismal, discouraged, sad mess.  

I get glimpses of it every now and then. When I think I have things under control something always spirals it out of control again.  I know I'm not as bad off as Joseph of Egypt or Joseph Smith or Job.  When I look at their lives, I see they had to wade through affliction longer than 7 months.  They weren't living in a nice house, they were in jail or had everything taken from them. All were innocent of any wrongs that caused their situations.  I was temporarily sick, I still have my children.   Things were much more lost for them and yet their experiences refined them and gave them the faith to do things later on.  

They would not have been who they became if they had not gone through the refiner's fire. 

What I really want is to be made celestial and the refiner's fire is not comfortable, but my children an I NEED this experience otherwise it would not have been given to us.  We have important things to learn so we can later do important things for the Lord. 

"Heavenly Father help strengthen my faith.  Make it sufficient to stretch through this trial.  Help the burdens to appear light that I can bear them.  Help strengthen me emotionally so I can be strong for my children.  I need strength beyond my own, I need angels beside me to help buoy me up."

  I know that I have the right to ask for that,

 and everytime I do,

 I feel the added strength that gets me through.  

Adversity: Trials are part of the Journey- jan 13, 2013

Adversity: Trials are part of the Journey

I listen to a talk by one of the leaders of our church, Deiter F Utchdorf called.  Having grown up in Germany during WWII, he experienced many trials as result of the war and ensuing economic and political hardship. His words are words of wisdom.

"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself,  that determines how your life’s story will develop."

"If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you. He says to you, as He said to Joseph Smith, “[Your] adversity and [your] afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if [you] endure it well, God shall exalt [you] on high.” "

"Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own “happily ever after.”

Things to help you get through trials

•  Learn to laugh
• Seek for the eternal perspective
• Principle of compensation- 
• the faithful need to know that every tear today will be repaid 100 fold. 
• The Lord will compensate you for every difficulty- see JOB.
•  Put your trust in the Savior and draw near to Him 
• He will come to our aid. 
• He will make weak things become strong. 

"Without trials we don't understand the joy of the triumph."

"We can't pick our trials but we can choose how we will face them."

Walter D Wintle
If you think you are beaten, you are
If you think you dare not, you don't,
If you like to win, but you think you can't
It is almost certain you won't.

If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out of the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are
You've got to think high to rise,
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN!"

"Our hard times can be times of greatest growth."

"We experience hard things so we will have greater understanding and compassion towards others."

Your Happily Ever After DIETER F. UCHTDORF

A life void of trials would be one void of growth: Written 2 weeks after the accident

Fear of Trials and Difficulties can be Crippling...

"A life void of trials would be one void of growth. Trials take a rough hewn stone and polish it smooth and brilliant.  We want to be brilliant, yet we desperately desire to avoid the painful and uncomfortable process of getting there. I have found that accepting pain, hurt, and difficulties as learning experiences has given those struggles a purpose and an end result.  This enables me to learn, accept and move through them.  Fighting against the polishing only makes it take longer.  Accepting it as the will of God, allows Him to help me get through it." - May 5, 2014

November 25, 2012

After we finished medical school, I found myself living the life we had always dreamed of.  We had four healthy children, a beautiful new house, brand new furniture, new cars, and my husband had his dream job.  

Everything had worked out just like we had planned.

I should have been happy and fulfilled... 

but I was not.

I felt a heavy weight on my heart.

I felt the doom of an impending trial.  

I became consumed with the fear that my fairytale world would crumble apart.  I desperately did not want to give up all that I had worked for and sacrificed for so long to acquire.

I remember a time when  I was visiting a good friend and in desperation I finally asked her, 

"Do you think it is possible to be righteousness enough to avoid trials?"

I remember her response, and it helped me to understand the purpose and importance of 
trials in our lives... How they teach us, 

shape us, 

refine us and,

help us to be the kind of people our Heavenly Father wants us to become.  

I wanted so desperately to avoid the big trial that I felt was coming my way.

That conversation helped me to understand that I needed to go through it.

Remembering that has helped me these past two weeks. 

I am grateful for that conversation that occurred almost 10 years ago.  My friend did not know the impact that she would later make on my life.  I have been touched by how many people have come forward with things that Scott did for them or said that really made an impact on them. I know he often felt discouraged because he thought he wasn't making a difference. These experiences have taught me that we never know the impact we can make, so we need to do all we can to reach out to other people and follow the spirit when it prompts us to act or say something. This has taught me to stop being afraid and to just reach out.