I'm not Opinionated, I'm just Always Right

I have often had a inner struggles with the need 'to be right.' I think it is one of my biggest weaknesses.  When I was 16 my family bought me a sweatshirt that said, 

"I'm Not Opinionated, I'm just Always Right!"

I honestly didn't understand why they thought it was so funny.  That was how very un-selfaware I was.  I still really struggle with this, but now it is something I am working to correct within myself. I equate it with pride or the lack of humility or meekness. 

The need 'to be right' is one of the biggest cancers in relationships.

I find that if I ever feel the need to justify my negative behavior that I am flat out in the wrong.  It doesn't matter what someone else has done or said, I have the ability to control my response and I do not need to respond negatively in turn.  I can choose to do better than that.  Inflamed communications don't need fanning of the fire, they need quenching.  I can choose to be the water that smooths things over if I am thinking and empathizing with the other person instead of thinking of myself.

The other day I was driving with my 15 year-old son who was not listening to my patient corrections about his driving.  I raised my voice and then I began to berate him.  I watched as he became more anxious and I felt him close off from me.  I knew that I had damaged our relationship by my unkind corrections.

Now I could have easily justified myself because of the potential danger of having an accident.  I did need to correct him, but it was not the correction that was the problem, it was the way I did it and the way I made him feel.  

I was wrong because I made him feel bad.

I am always in the wrong, even if I am right, if I make someone feel bad.

One of the biggest problems with this kind of communication is that we cripple other people's ability to positively act.  We hurt their confidence and we put them in a place where they cannot feel the spirit.

Do I care more about my car than I do about my son's ability to feel the spirit and to feel good about himself?

It took me about 5 minutes to suck it up and apologize for my response. (Something that has been very hard for me to do, but because I know how important it is, it is something that I have been forcing myself to do.)  I told him that there was no excuse for how I had treated him.  I asked for his forgiveness and then I told him how well he was doing with his driving.  Then we were in a place that I could positively discuss the things he needed to focus on doing in our next driving session.  I reassured him that I knew he would be able to make those changes.

We had a totally different night and totally different experience driving the next day than we would have had if I had not swallowed my pride and apologized.

As hard as to eat crow in that moment, it felt so AMAZING afterward!  I felt the spirit again, and so did he.

None of us like to be put down or simply 'take it,'  but we need to consider our motivations and the consequences of our responses.  Are we fighting because we want to be right or justified?  Is our stand worth the withdrawl of the spirit? Can I say what needs to be said with the spirit, and will my words influence the person I am speaking to so  they will want to  change?  If the spirit cannot be present and if it is not the motivation for us to speak, then we need to swallow our pride and walk away.  

Shortly after we got married, my husband shared this scripture with me and told me that this was the pattern he wanted to use to raise our children. 

D&C  121:43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

I have thought often on this scripture and the need to only act in sharpness if I feel the spirit prompt me to do so.  If I am angry or hurt, then I cannot feel the spirit and so I should not respond this way.

I invite you to look inward at your motivations, ask God for help in changing them, and then work on those things so that you can improve your relationships.  I encourage you to study the following article and share back about how putting these things into practice has improved your ability to feel the spirit and to positively influence others.

Condie, Spencer J. "Reproving With Love," Ensign Aug 1979

The Boy: A Poem Written by My Grieving Son

The Boy

A Poem Written by My Grieving Son

I have learned that grief is such an individual thing. 

Watching my four children grieve has taught me that.  

Each one was in a different place when their dad died,

 each one was equipped with different coping mechanisms, 

and each experience has been unique.  

My youngest son, who was 13 at the time his dad died, really struggled.  That seems to be typical for middle school aged children.  He bottled things up and did not want to talk.  For that matter, he did not want to do anything except watch television, read books, and eat. He would not even turn in the homework that I had helped him to do.

What did we do?  

First, I went to see a counselor, who clued me into some of the issues he struggled with.   

Then...

I loved him and let the school go.  

We worked on our relationship. 

I took him out of school and for lunch once a week.

As a family, we talked about a purpose for dad's death.  

We pitched mulch together.

We turned more to God.  

I encouraged him to go somewhere by himself and 'talk' things over with his dad. 

I found moments to talk with him about things little by little.

I did not know it at the time, but Eric also wrote...

A month ago I found this poem on the floor by his desk.  I picked it up and read it.  It was amazing, and  I thought how much it fit him and how I saw that 13 year old boy stricken with grief.  

I asked him where he found the poem.  To my surprise, he told me that he had written it.  I was really impressed and told him how wonderful I thought it was... heart wrenching...but so heartfelt.  

Then I said, "So you're the boy..." 

He nodded. 

"Do you still feel that way?" 

He said, "No.., that's how it was in the beginning." 

My heart ached for him... 

but I felt the need to ask, "So where is that boy today?" 

There was a pause without a response. 

So I continued, "You need to write another poem." I just left it at that.

In his English class, in a 30 minute time span he came up with the second stanza and emailed it to me.

I am pleased to say that 17 months after the accident, my now almost 15 year-old young man is in a much better place. Not only that, but I think he found a voice he did not previously have.  I will let you judge.

THE BOY

The storm was raging

Rain and lighting and wind

The sea was a torrent

Mountainous waves crashing down

A fishing boat road up and down

The boy was huddled in the boat

Knuckles white and eyes closed and tears streaming

The cry of his father still echoed in his ears

Sorrow and fear are a dark cloud that almost consumed the boy

The storm raged and thundered

The boy was alone in the stormy sea

The stormy sea, the sea of life

The edge of the storm was calm

The water was still and motionless

The boy stood on the fishing boat looking out at the sea of life

His clothes were damp, but his cheeks were dry

The loss of his father still ached his heart

He had beaten the choking cloud of despair

He stared at the sun-bathed horizon

The wind stirred and began to push the boat out of the storm

The wind pushed him across the sea of life

A sad smile split his face as he was pushed across the foaming waves

The wind pushed him away from the storm towards the horizon

The wind, the wind of hope

Learning Patience and Empathy in Parenting a Teen. Wait,..is that Even Possible?

Learning Patience & Empathy in Parenting a Teen. 

Wait,.. is that Even Possible?

Monday was one of those really CRAPPY days!

Yes,  I said 'CRAPPY'... it happens to be one of my favorite words, and it was the most appropriate descriptive word I could come up with. 

Okay, so.... maybe it wasn't the whole day, but the evening... It totally fell apart.   

I got into a spat with one of my sons, and I looking back I think that argument is what really precipitated the whole problem. 

There is nothing like contention to suck the spirit out of your home.  Ever since my husband died, I am just so much more acutely aware of that. If the spirit goes out, my emotional state goes with it.

Anyway, I won't go into who the spat with was with or what it was about because my children are very sensitive to be singled out on my blog. Needless to say it was all based on the misunderstanding that started with a comment that I made.  I tried to smooth things over and apologize, but I got a typical teenage response. 

You know...communication would be so much easier if my children were 40 like me! But unfortunately, I am working with pre-adult souls. 

I've learned that communication with children/teens requires a LOT of extra patience. 

(It's probably, why they come that way... so we can learn

Teaching my children to make decisions on their own

Teaching my children to make decisions on their own

It is amazing to me sometimes how my prayers get answered.

Last fall when our house didn't sell, a way was financially provided for my children to stay in the school that they were attending here. We knew this was temporary, and last fall I felt the need to talk with my children about what we would do for school if our house did not sell this year. My son and I were on a walk and out of the blue we came up with the idea of them attending Central High School. The conversation happened just in time, because applications were due in a few weeks. Central has a special magnet middle school that my older two children had previously attended. We needed to see if a seventh grade spot would be available, and if my daughter would qualify. She had previously been grade advanced, but the new spot would require her to go back to her original grade. My son would have to repeat his freshman year in order to enter the IB program as well. At the time this idea seemed brilliant to me. It was an answer to all of my worry, plus I was looking at keeping my last two children home another year. (I had been dreading the day when they would leave home and leave me alone. ) My son was very young for his grade and holding him back would not be noticeable.  The IB program at Central seems like the perfect solution. Both kids were onboard, and we made the necessary applications.

Months later...

They were less thrilled about the option. Both of my children really wanted to stay in their old school. They were afraid of losing friends. I began to have my doubts that this was the plan that we should follow, but I didn't really see a way that we could afford to stay where they were. 

A few weeks ago, I laid out the options again. I stated all the pros and cons, and then told the children that they needed to pray about what was right for them. I decided this was a decision that more greatly impacted their lives than it did mine. Both children would be held back a grade level, and that would change when they would serve a mission, when they would leave home, and the friends they would have. 

Lately I have been getting my children more involved in our family decisions. I have been asking them to pray for confirmation about a lot of things. I'm going to write a separate blog post on one of those experiences as well... 

So this is what happened...

FLY TRUE

11 months today. I was going through my son's computer and I found this song that he wrote for his IB music class.   Because of the depth of feeling that he had for dad, he was never satisfied with the music and would rarely play it. However, I think that the lyrics express the feelings of his heart.

FLY TRUE- ORIGINAL COMPOSITION

I wish you could see me now.
I’d fly true if I could just see how.
How long will it take before I break?
And I know that I will see you again.
How long can I wait without my best friend?

(chorus)
I’ll never break
I’ll never fall
‘cause life isn’t that long
‘cause I can’t see you even if I try,
And I will miss you even until I die.

I know you can see me now
I’d fly true ‘cause I can see just how

(chorus)

Patience with Growth - Aug 6 ,2013

Patience with growth

Aug 6, 2013

I had an issue pop up again with one of my children that I thought we had overcome and resolved. I was feeling very frustrated with him and with my abilities as a parent to enact a change in him. I wanted to share this scripture I came across in my reading tonight and how it came as an answer to a prayer for how to deal with him.

I was reading in D&C 9:12 Where the Lord was telling Oliver Cowry that because he had not taken the proper steps and put forth the proper effort that the time for him to help with the translation has passed. At the end of the verse, he is telling him that it is okay that he failed and that he had made up the difference by giving Joseph extra strength to translate. 

The last part says...."and neither of you have I condemned." As I pondered this, I thought,

"How patient, the Lord is with us. Even when we fail in our tasks and disappoint him. He never gives up on us. He gives us chance after chance, and tailors new experiences for us to teach us what he wants us to learn. "

I have been annotating each verse I read in my scripture study and I find that writing while I study allows the spirit to more easily teach me. This is what I wrote...

"The Lord forgives us for our weaknesses. He is patient with us even when we grow and change slower that He expects. We need to do that for others, especially for our children. We need to realize that we all take a different amount of time to get there. It is not a race, but it is the steady forward course that matters. Be more patient!"

I am so grateful for my scriptures and that the spirit can speak to me and teach me how to be a better parent.

Thoughts on Gratitude and parenting aug 5, 2013

Thoughts on Gratitude and Parenting

Aug 5, 2012

I need to do a better job of recording the things I'm grateful for in my journal... 

I've been keeping a separate list, and I've been doing a much better job in my prayers, but I think I should also include things I'm grateful for in my letters to my missionary son in Chile and in my journal entries. Today the Lord held back the rain so we could do the work we needed to on the path.  I had two good helpers to help me get the work done. (R and E). I am grateful for the opportunities to work side-by-side with my children. I thought today of R as a mother, and how she will have much more confidence to take care of things in her yard and home because of her experience working with me. I thought of E and how he is looking stronger, and how working is helping him to become a man. We do not have a idle time.  It is good to work hard and be sore and exhausted at the end of today. I read that same sentiment in my husband's missionary journal today. How alike we are! The two of us together were always quite a team. He would say that. I guess we still are.

Sometimes I worry about the future for my kids. I worry about their mistakes, I worry about them falling away from God,  I worry about them not being able to provide for their families. I need to have faith that a Lord will help them find the way. As a parent you want to protect your children, and you want everything to turn out perfect for them. But I guess if their life was perfect, they wouldn't learn very much. They have to have life experiences that will teach them the things that they need to learn to become the people God wants them to become. In the end that's all that really matters. This life isn't about having the perfect experience. It's about going through a lot of hard stuff that teaches you a lot of hard lessons- yet learning to find joy in the journey of it all.  Now isn't that the biggest challenge of all? 

Now more gratitude. I'm grateful that these people are coming to see our house. I will probably be more grateful if it all works out, but even if it doesn't, I will find things to be grateful for. It was the motivation to get the path fixed for spring. It gave me hope that there are people out there still looking. It helped me to see that I can move into a rental for the rest of the year.  It also gave me some experience in dealing with realtors. I will be smarter next time.  I am really grateful for all the opportunities I have to share spiritual insights through social media. It's a way I can feel the  spirit and feel like I'm contributing everyday. I don't feel so selfish about my personal study. It's a chance to put my candle on the hill instead of under a bushel. I'm grateful for the awesome experience I'm  having with my scripture study. I'm getting so much out of journaling every verse. I'm so excited for my time to sit down with the scriptures and to see what I'm going to learn. I want to be able to understand everything right now and just get all the inspiration I can get, but I know the Lord has to give us line upon line and give us time to act and internalizes those principles. My impatience shows through. I'm grateful for Monday gymnastic lessons, because I get to walk for an hour and dictate my journal or listen to a conference talk. I love time to walk alone and think especially when I can talk out loud. I can talk to Scott sometimes and I feel like we are going out to walk together. I'm grateful for the little impressions the Lord gives me about my future, and has always given me. It's good for me to have time to think it out and prepare and plan before hand. I can be more steady when the actual situation happens. 

Blessings Just Realized from an Answer to Prayers Two Years Before the Accident

Blessings Just Realized from an Answer to Prayers Two Years Before The Accident

"How grateful I am that I felt inspired two years ago to start taking my two oldest boys out for lunch once a week. It meant an extra hour of driving for me and having to pull them out of school. I often had to miss things or rearrange my schedule to make it work. We ate at restaurants that weren't always my favorites, but we developed a friendship that is really helping us get through this crisis. Love my boys! It was so worth it. Take the time to build lasting relationships with your kids. Drop the unimportant stuff and just do it. You won't regret a minute of it. - Dec 13, 2012

I recently wrote an article about how I got the inspiration to do this with my son.  Prayer is a powerful parenting tool.  I have also learned that God blesses your life over and over if you will just turn to Him for answers instead of trying to do it all on your own.

The power of Prayer in Parenting a Teen

Here is an excerpt... (to read more go to the link above)

"Sometimes when you’re parenting a teen, you have to dig deep for ideas… And I have found prayers to be the most powerful tool.  My oldest son was a sophomore in high school when our relationship began to suffer. He had the ability to drive, and with his busy school and extra curricular schedule, we rarely saw each other. I felt he was not pulling his weight at home. He felt overly controlled and tension developed. After a semester of this, I began to worry as I saw our communication degrade.I didn’t know what to do..."