Reaching Out to Others in Service Helps Me Find Light Again

Reaching Out to Others in Service Helps 
Me Find Light Again

This year I seem to be struggling more than last year.   I have felt myself retracting and wanting to retreat inside of myself.  The holidays are NOT supposed to be a time of sadness, yet I have found myself resigned to sadness because my husband is not here to share this time with us. Christmas was always such a big thing for Scott and so everything about it reminds me of his absence.  Having just gone through the anniversary of his death and Thanksgiving, I am now facing his birthday, our wedding anniversary, Christmas and then my birthday all in the next month. 

I don't want it to be this way...

 so I have been praying a lot to try to 

find that light inside of myself that 

feels like it is dimming.  

I know in the past that reaching out to others has helped to lessen my sorrow, but that can be hard to do when you feel sad and don't feel like you have a lot of light to share. Even when I don't feel like it, I know that it is something that I need to do.  

A month ago we had a family discussion about Christmas this year and decided to make some changes.  Financially things are different for us now and I never really liked the huge emphasis that was placed on expensive gifts anyway.   We decided to purge the parts of Christmas that caused stressed and didn't help us feel the spirit.  We wanted to simplify and focus more on the true meaning of Christmas. 

For family night this week we watched a little video called #ShareTheGift about the first gift of Christmas. It reminded me of our plans from a month ago, and I felt a little light inside of me. 

We had decided that we were going to give the gift of service this year to others who were in need. So after we finished our family night, I called a local shelter for teens looking for a volunteer opportunity for myself and my two teens who are still at home with me. As I talked with the coordinator on the phone and explained our situation, we began to brainstorm about possible service activities. I felt more light inside, and I began to feel excitement to get involved.  I saw beyond a single opportunity and realized that this would be a great ongoing monthly service project for our family.  I even thought of others that I could invite to join us.  

Acting to find a way to reach out was the catalyst that started that light back inside of me, and continuing to act will give it the fuel to keep growing brighter and brighter.  

I have discovered something about the light inside of me...

The only way to grow it is to share it 

I thought that I would share some of our plans in hope that it will give you ideas of how to #sharethegift and how to grow your own light...

1. A Gift for Christ: This year we are each going to wrap a present for the Savior... a goal of something that we will sacrifice or do to show our love for Him.  I was touched by a talk by Neill Marriott  in a recent Women's Conference where she shared her goal to memorize the document, The Living Christ: The Testimony of the Apostles as a gift for the Savior this Christmas. We decided it would be good for each of us to think of something we could offer to the Savior.  We are going to wrap these ideas up, open them Christmas morning and share our experience of sacrifice with each other.
2. Sharing with Those in Need: We have always participated in the giving tree, but my children have never had to personally sacrifice gifts in order to do this.  I wanted them to be more involved, so we discussed how we can use our Christmas budget to modestly get gifts for each other and then to help those who are in need.  We are allocating some of our money for presents to help others.
3. Service to Others: From Thanksgiving to Christmas we want to participate in a family service project each week. We are volunteering in a live nativity, at a local shelter, and local service center for newborns.  We are also going to the temple and cleaning for my sister who just had a baby.
4. Service to Each Other: Instead of just buying presents this year, we are giving each other the gift of our time by gifting a coupon of service for each family member.  

Insights from Waiting in Line at the Post Office

Insights from Waiting in Line at the Post Office

Some lessons we learn from doing good, others we learn from our mistakes.  This morning was one of the latter.

I was waiting in line at the post office today with only one cashier at the desk.  My phone battery died so I was left with nothing to do but observe the people around me.  I noticed a man 4 people behind me with a baby in a carrier by his feet.  I watched as he anxiously glanced from counter to baby to his watch.  I could see by the expression on his face that he was fighting back feelings of frustration.  I felt sorry for the man and thought for a moment about asking him if he would like to cut in front of me.  Worried about what the people between us might say, I dismissed the thought.  Instead, I  rationalized that we had all had to wait, and that he needed to learn to be more patient.

When I was paying for my postage, the lady behind him spoke up.  She said,

"Would you all mind if this man went next?  He has a baby and is obviously in a hurry."  

Her pleas were not eagerly accepted by the people who were ahead of him in line.  He graciously explained that he was fine and that the gesture was not necessary.  I saw relief flood into the faces of the people ahead of him, no one really wanted their place in line bumped back.  She continued to plead his cause, but no one jumped at the opportunity to help him.

I was saddened by that, but I remembered my own reluctance.  I wished that I had spoken up earlier.

However, as I continued to watch their interaction, I saw the countenance of this man change, and a conversation ensued between the man and the woman who had tried to help him.  As I finished my business at the counter and moved out of the way for the next customer, I realized how that simple act of kindness had affect that man's day.  Even though he had not been accelerated in the line, someone had cared about him and he had felt love from that interaction.  He was going to leave that post office lifted and with good thoughts in his mind instead of negative feelings of frustration.  I thought how that might change his interactions with other people.

I learned a valuable lesson today watching a lady in line at the post office...

A little caring goes a long way.  

We don't have to change things,

 we just have to let people know we care about them.

As I walked to my car and thought back on the situation, I evaluated my own actions and how I could have acted differently.  When the spirit prompted me to reach out to someone, I had failed in that charge.  Fortunately, God cared enough about the troubled man to give the lady behind him the same prompting that I had failed to act on.  My worry had been offending other people and of my own time.  As I pondered on this, I realized that I could have traded places with him without offending the people between us.  If I had been willing to give up my place in line,  going back 4 people instead of just one, I could have offered assistance.  I vowed that the next time I have the opportunity to act in that way, that I will be less concerned about myself and my wait time and more concerned about showing love.

I also realized that I need to take the time to put my phone down in situations like more often so that I can be more observant, and so that I can notice people who need my help.  Sometimes, I rationalize being 'productive' on my phone because I just don't want to put forth the energy to have a conversation with a stranger or to have to deal with a thought prompting me to help someone.  Sometimes it is easier to just be introverted.  As hard as it is to be brave and reach out, I have learned that those simple actions not only make a difference in other people's day, but they make a difference in mine.  The lifting is mutual.

So here is the challenge I offer to you and to myself.  Next time you are in a public place waiting, put down your phone and observe the people around you.  Listen for those thoughts to help and then act on them.  Post back.  I would love to hear how you are sharing goodness in the world. #sharegoodness

Random Acts of Kindness: Share Your Light and Get it Back in Return

Random Acts of Kindness

When you share your light, you get more back than you give in return

I found a new little way to give service today, and it just really brightened my day. I find myself looking for these opportunities all the time now.  These small acts lift my spirits and help me to not only be happy, but to feel JOY again. It was easy and simple and I thought,  

"Wow, I could do this more often!... I need to do this more often!  I have to be more aware and look for these opportunities.  I need to pray to find them."

Service helps to heal me!

This is so opposite of all of the advice I got when my husband died...

"Take more time for yourself... Take it easy... Go watch a movie, Get a massage, Indulge yourself."

It was all about ME, ME, ME.

Honestly, those things band-aided the problem for the moment, but did not move me forward.  They brought TEMPORARY pleasure, but not lasting JOY or HAPPINESS.

(I am not advocating that you don't take time to do positive things for yourself to help the healing process.  Studying and reading books that taught me how to heal,  journaling and pondering were all key components that helped me to process the tragedy of my husband's death, but reaching out to lift others is what has really helped me to heal.)

Back to my experience today...

I decided I needed to take dinner over to a friend who has been under a lot of stress trying to raise a large family and go to school at the same time. Knowing the size of their family, I determined that a few Papa Murphy's pizzas should do the trick. It was still early in the morning, about 10:30, when I arrived at the store. The door was locked. Frustrated, I looked for the store hours to see when it opened. 

"Gosh, darn it! Not until 11:00"… Sigh… 

"I guess I have to come back later this afternoon."

As I was standing there contemplating, an employee from the back hurried up to the front and unlocked the door. I said, 

"Oh,  I'm sorry. I know,  you don't open until 11:00." 

I completely expected her to tell me to come back later.  Instead, she replied, 

"That's okay. Come in. We're here anyway."  

I was so surprised! Normally employees wait until the last minute to open the doors not wanting to have to do anymore work than they are officially contracted to do. Both girls in the store cheerfully made my pizzas. I told them about the family I was helping. She handed me my order with a cheerful smile, I went to walk out the door, and then a thought popped into my mind,

 "You should thank her." 

So I told her how much I appreciated that they had gone the extra mile to help me that morning and how unusual I thought it was. I told her what great employees I thought they were.  Again I went to leave, but a second thought entered my mind, 

"You should write a note to their manager to let him know what great employees he has." 

I remembered how much my husband appreciated good employees and how good he was about thanking them everyday.  I asked for some paper, and on the back of an order form, I  jotted down a quick note.  As I left I felt so good about the interaction. Good because they had served me, and because I had done something kind in return.

As I drove home, I thought how easy it would be to NOTICE when people do extra kind things for me, to verbally THANK them, and then to write a note to their supervisor if possible. I thought, 

"Sure, it might take a little extra time, but I bet those girls will have an awesome day when they give their manager the note." 

That's worth a little extra time... 

 Isn't it?

A little LIGHT… 

All it takes is ONE little light shining in the darkness.

As we share that light, others began to let their light shine. 

How much light can you spread  today? 

Here's my favorite 'get up and dance' song about spreading a little light and pushing back the dark.

Pushing Back the Dark- Josh Wilson

Try to spread a little light today and then come back and post. 

I would love to hear all the great ideas that are out there.

Lessons Learned in Helping Others: Change takes time- part 2

Lessons Learned in Helping Others:

Change takes time

part 2

I have learned that change does not happen overnight.  

Change takes lots of time and must happen line upon line. Often there are two steps forward and one step back. However, we do not have to endure this process alone. Through the pain and exhaustion that often comes, we can turn to the Lord for help.  I found this out as I was helping someone who was spiritually struggling. I knew the Lord wanted me to help them, I knew of their potential, but I found myself very worried about them breaking my trust. I was worried at the hurt I would feel. 'What if...' thoughts consumed my head as I created all sorts of possible scenarios in my mind.  I felt I could not function. I couldn't concentrate on helping anyone else. I could not concentrate on my children. My patience was gone. I found my own grief seeping back into my mind. I knew all of these feelings were not from God, but from Satan.  Over the next few days I prayed and studied and read about not being judgmental (See prior post: The Lord Looketh on the Heart:  My journey to becoming less judgmental.) 

"Heavenly Father, I just can't bear this anymore.  I can't focus and be a good mom.  I can't help other people.  If I am supposed to help this person, then please lift this pain so that I can do my work." 

Then it was literally gone.  

The pain was replaced by understanding, empathy and peace. 

That's how I knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Praying when I felt that way,

 allowed God to show me how the atonement

 could enable me to be His hands. 

If we are truly doing the things that God wants us to do and we don't have the ability to do it on our own, He will enable us with those abilities. That is the enabling power of his grace. Remember, God can take weak things and make them become strong.

27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I  give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my  grace is sufficient for all men that  humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make  weak things become strong unto them.  Ether 12:27

As I turned my will over to God in this matter, I was also given understanding. My worries and lack of trust were lifted. I knew that the process of change that this person needed to go through would be up-and-down. I knew that it couldn't happen overnight. I understood that for every two steps forward there might be a step backwards. The Lord gave me patience to deal with the situation. He gave me distance and perspective to emotionally withdraw myself. I knew that I had to unconditionally care about this person no matter what, and the Lord gave me the tools that enabled me to do it. That was a testimony to me that I was on the right path. If ever those feelings have tried to creep in again, immediately, I remind myself of the answer to that prayer.   As soon as I have done this those feelings have left my mind.  

Lessons Learned in Helping Others: Becoming Vulnerable Can Help Heal Pain  part 1

Lessons Learned in Helping Others: Becoming Vulnerable Can Help Heal Pain - part 1

Lessons Learned in Helping Others:
Becoming Vulnerable Can Help Heal Pain
part 1

Often when we go through difficult things we pull inward and become more guarded. We want to protect ourselves from more hurt and pain. Although it is counterintuitive, I have found that making myself vulnerable has helped to heal my pain. 

A friend of mine shared this thought on a Widow/widower's Facebook group.

"Living a life of purpose, mission or service can be intense, sometimes heartbreaking and exhausting, and at the same time enormously fulfilling." 

This statement hit the nail right on the head for me. The things that I have been recently experiencing as I try to reach out and help others fall under the categories of 'intense,' 'heartbreaking,' and 'exhausting.'  Yet, despite it all, they bring me great fulfillment and joy. I have come to realize that all of these emotions mean I'm doing it right. I remind myself of quote I had in my room as a teenager.  It says, 

 "I never said it would be easy... I only said it would be worth it." 

Worth it, it is in the long run, even though in the moment we may not feel that to be the case.  I personally believe that before we came to earth, we signed up to do hard things.  We did it for two reasons...

1. We wanted to learn how to become better...more like Christ.
2. We loved and wanted to help those we love.

When I was struggling with the heartbreaking and exhausting part in one particular situation, I prayed for extra guidance. This was the thought that came in my mind after that prayer, and I wrote it down.

 "Don't be afraid of the pain you must go through.    It will teach you the empathy that you need to learn." 

To me, this realization opened my eyes to feeling pain. 

It helped me to...

 accept it, 

understand it, 

and find purpose in it.

Christ wept for those he served.  He put his whole heart into his work.  I realized that I couldn't hold back love because of fear of being hurt.  The only way to really influence someone and make a change is to unconditionally care about them. 

Caring opens us up to potential hurt, 

but caring creates faith in the person we are serving. 

As they feel our love for them, they will remember and become confident in God's love for them.  As we trust them they will gain confidence to make those changes. Sometimes people are so broken that they don't know what to believe in. They no longer believe in themselves or in the love that God has for them. They feel unworthy of that love, and some may even choose to believe that it does not exist. 

Sometimes they wonder if they're worth saving. 

They need someone to believe in them so they can start to believe. 

CARING CREATES FAITH 

It opens a place in their heart for it to grow. 

It opens up the opportunity for change.

When people don't make those changes and choose to pull away, it can hurt.  To combat this, we have to trust that God loves them too.  His hand is stretched out still. He will find ways to bring them back. 

Sometimes we simply have to keep caring,

choose not to get offended and hurt,

keep encouraging,

keep expressing trust and confidence in them,

and wait patiently.  

Do It Out of Love

Do It Out of Love

I spent the morning visiting a few older widows that I know and the women that I am assigned to see monthly for Visiting Teaching for my church.  They were great visits where we talked about the trials that we are going through and how the gospel of Jesus Christ helps us make it through them.  Every single one of those women have deep, long-lasting difficulties in their lives right now.  As we sat and cried together I felt like I understood a little bit about heaven and what it will be like to be there together  after all of this is said and done.  I imagine we will hug each other and say, "We made it and you helped me get here!" This was a TENDER MERCY for me today.

There is great joy in being able to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  Doing the Saviors work is joyful!  Despite the immense pain of this journey, the empathy and understanding for others that it has given me is the cause of so much joy.  I have had people say to me, "I do not see how God could need Scott more there when you were all doing so much good here."  It's true that Scott as a physician helped a lot of people. As a person he set a great example and did a lot of good here. The rest of us were also doing good, but now we are doing so, so much more.  I have to think the same is true for Scott.  It's not about God needing Scott.  It is about us, and I include Scott in that group, needing this experience for the growth that will help us become like our Savior.  Good on this earth is nothing compared to the good that can happen inside of us.  Mortal good is nothing compared to eternal good.

If you are feeling low today then reach out and try to help lift someone else.  Be a voice for good, try to be more empathetic, just get outside yourself and think more about someone else.  It may be your daughter or son, it may be a spouse or a parent or a sibling, or it may be a neighbor, acquaintance or just a complete stranger.  If we will listen to the voice that exists in all of us, we will know who we can help, who we have the power to touch.  Then be real and genuine with them.  As we sat in those homes, no one was checking their watches, we were simply, deeply concerned for one another. Do it out of LOVE.

A great example to me

A Great Example to Me

Aug 30, 2013
One of my really good friends just moved away today . Feeling kind of sad, but I wanted to share why she and her family touched my life so much. Rachel and her family moved to Springfield just a few months before Scott died. She's about 10 years younger than me with 3 little kids (oldest just started kindergarten). Not a family that I would have ever thought would take an interest in me. Despite the differences in our families, after Scott died she began texting to just check on me. She noticed at church when I was struggling and invited us for dinner right after ( no small task considering that I have 3 teenage boys that eat a lot and that it might be uncomfortable without me having a husband.). They just didn't care about the any of that, she just dropped everything and made it work, not just once, but over and over again. Like most young couples they were not a family of a lot of means, but that didnt stop them either. She had my daughter babysit and my son watch their dogs. Her husband took an interest in my boys. They were heaven sent especially for us. How blessed I feel to have such a special friend who loved us so unconditionally. That is the gospel in action. I told my kids after prayers this morning to remember their example and to carry on that legacy when they are young married couples. Look for people in need and reach out, don't be so busy that you don't have time to see them or do something about it. Thanks Rachel for a wonderful lesson!