To Save My Life

This morning I was making cookies and listening to a new book on tape. A story from that book spoke to me in such a deep and profound way. The author tells of a young pioneer girl being rescued from a stranded handcart company trying to go west far too late in the season. They had suffered immensely, starvation, exposure, and even death. The rescuers brought food and clothing, but they did not have the wagons to carry all of the surviving handcart members. Anyone who was able was required to walk next to the wagons carrying the sick. Several of the children decided to run in an attempt to get invited to ride in a wagon. One by one the children dropped out, and one girl remained determined in her course. The wagon driver asked her if she wanted a ride. When she replied yes, he took her hand, but instead swinging her up into the wagon, he signaled for the horses to speed up. A little confused, she ran for what she described as several miles, and in the running she thought for sure that this driver was the meanest person that she had ever met. Then just as her strength was about to give out, he scooped her up in a blanket, all warm from her exertion, and settled her into the base of the wagon. Later she realized that this driver had saved her from freezing; he had saved her life.

The story brought tears to my eyes as I saw myself as that little girl, running with all the strength I could muster, feeling for certain that any moment my legs were going to give out, wondering why He doesn't just pick me up and put me in the wagon. Then just as clearly as I saw that picture in my mind I heard words to accompany it, "I'm making you run to save your life."

Rarely has such a simple phrase so deeply impressed my heart, and I began to sob right there in my kitchen with my hands covered in cookie dough. Finally an answer, when I have been struggling, feeling so very inadequate and tired. A purpose to my running.

Why is it when we have already been knocked down that sometimes additional adversity comes? Why is it even when we are determined to do good and right, that we feel that we are being made to run to the point of exhaustion while others may ride in the wagon?

We hear the phrase, "Life isn't fair," and that supposed to make us feel better about injustices and inequality. But maybe "fair" isn't the point. Maybe God sees in us something He can cultivate, something that's worth extra expenditure of energy to achieve, and so He pushes us. He pushes us even though we want to give up, even though we may think He is mean. He pushes us right to our breaking point, so that we can see what we are made of, so that He can bring out something that may very well save our life in a spiritual sense.

That was my answer today, and it gave me some hope. It gave me a reason to refocus my running, to not think about giving up. Someday, He may scoop me up and let me ride for time in the wagon, but there will be additional hardships ahead. The journey is far from over. He knows that I'm not done running. So each of these experiences He gives me strengthens me, keeping me warm and ready for the next run.

Today I see a little bit more purpose in my suffering. If I can just keep this picture and feeling in my heart, the running will be so much easier. So I share this with you today, in hopes that it will create in you, you're own little vision, your own hope, your own feeling of purpose to the adversity you are facing. Don't drop out! Don't stop running, the running is what will save your life.

Questions To Ponder:

How is persevering through your trials making you a better person?


Story from Hafen, Bruce C. "A Contrite Spirit."

Avoiding The Trap

Sometimes we let Satan get the better of us. We listen to that wrong voice in our head and he wreaks all kinds of havoc.  He particularly loves to get issues started in families, and I played right into his hand.

This summer when my oldest son returned home from his mission, my family gathered together for a luncheon at my house after he spoke in church.  I was stressed about getting the food on the table because Brett, my husband's brother, had a long drive ahead with two little girls, and I had promised that we would be quick because I really wanted him to come over and eat with us.  Just as I was pulling food out of the oven, My dad called everyone into the living room.  They had moved my furniture and he was intent on having a family picture.  I listened to the little voice in my head, "Why is he doing that?  Brett needs to leave and you promised you would be quick. This is your house?  Why is he taking over?  He didn't even ask you. You don't want a family picture without Scott... "

Everything that had been joyful suddenly got squashed by those thoughts. I was frustrated and grumbled my objection to my mother.  She brushed off my concerns and told me to just go along with it. More voices, "Your mom doesn't even care how you feel.  No one understands."

With irritation showing I cooperated, apologizing profusely to my brother-in-law.  I was embarrassed. "Your dad wouldn't have done that if Scott were here."  But I took a deep breath, put food on the table and enjoyed the rest of the day.  My son was home after all, and it had been a long two years with him far, far away in Chile.  I was not going to let my dad or anyone else ruin my day... but the story was far from over.  The stage had simply been set for a much bigger drama to play out.  A drama that I didn't even see coming.

A few weeks later I got an text from my dad about the family reunion.  He wanted to do another family picture.  Apparently the one at my house was burry and he wanted to hire a professional photographer.  "NOOOOOO!  After everything that had just happened he wants to do another one! You don't want another family picture! Cooper won't be there (my other son, still in Ecuador on his mission). Scott won't be there.  You just have a broken family.  You don't want a picture to remind you that you are broken.  He will replace the old picture with Scott.  You don't want him to replace that picture. The old picture helps everyone remember.  Everyone is forgetting.  Everyone is moving on.  No one understands."  I didn't respond to the email, but the thoughts began to brew.  They became an underlying current in my days, a sliver under the skin that festered and when bumped caused more pain and hurt.

Talk started about creating a family t-shirt for the reunion.  Honestly, I didn't want to spend money on another t-shirt I wouldn't wear, I wasn't even excited about the reunion anymore.  I kept dreading the picture.  "You are only together for two days and you will spend at least half of a day getting ready for a picture.  You don't even want to be in the picture.  Maybe you will just break down cry and have to run away.  You will definitely break down crying.  Everyone will be mad that you are ruining the picture.  No on understands..." Then someone posted an idea for the t-shirt.  It had the family picture, the one taken against my will at my house, right in the middle.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.  All of those feelings came flooding back on top of the new ones being systematically and methodically implanted in my brain. "No one understands you.  You need to write your parents and tell them that you don't want to be in the picture."  I wrote an email hoping that the vent would stop my hurting.

My daughter Rachel walked into the room and I vented to her too.

"Can you believe it.  They want us to do a picture at the family reunion?  We are only going to be there two days.  Everyone will waste all of their time getting ready and we won't even spend time together.  Cooper won't be in the picture, Dad won't be in the picture, and they want us to use the family picture we just took without dad in it!"

That was just the fuel my daughter needed to jump on board.  She picked up my phone and typed a response.  I didn't stop her.  Everything completely fell apart from there.  It was as if Satan had minions posed ready to feed negative thoughts to every person involved. Unkind things were said, people were offended and I felt worse and less understood than I had before. I tried to explain that Rachel's comments were fueled by our family's desire not to have a picture without Scott. I told them that I felt the same, but that only made things worse. I finally opted out of the text.  I was so hurt by the comments.  "See, no one understands you.  Not even your family understands."

I got a reply email from my parents.  They said they didn't even know what to say.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear.  I just wanted someone to say, "I'm sorry.  We had no idea that this would be so hard for you.  What can we do to help you?  Do you need to not do the picture?  We can wait until Cooper is home next year.  Maybe you will be ready then.  We can wait for you to be ready.  No one is going to push you to do something you aren't ready to do."  No one had said that.  I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning I woke to the same cloud.  I had to decide what to do now.  What a mess!  Was I going to keep fighting and stick to my guns? My mom sent me an email.  I scanned through it and only saw judgement.  I clicked it shut.  "You should just not go to the reunion.  They don't understand you anyway.  They need to apologize to you.  You are the one who lost a husband.  That definitely trumps a picture."  Then I took that path to completion in my mind... It was very, very dark. "That's only going to make things worse," I thought.  "How would I ever get back?  I don't like my family being mad at me.  I don't want that."

For the first time I exerted control over my thoughts.  I thought about it and I chose to ignore the voice to estrange myself.  I chose the light. "How do I fix this?" I reopened the email from my mom and read it with new eyes.  My parents weren't happy about me not being in the picture, but they respected my choice not to be in it.  

I had to choose.... taking the picture was going to be hard.  I had lots of feelings of anxiety and fear about how I would feel that day. But if I didn't take it, then next time would also be hard.  What was I going to do when one of my kids got married? "If you take the picture it will help heal things with your family... I will help you do it."  This voice was different than the first.  It wasn't pushing me to escalate things.  It wasn't rioting my emotions... it was calming them.  There was a feeling of peace in the idea that hadn't been present in any of the ideas before.  

I knew what I needed to do.  Now I just had to do it.  Apologies were made and we had an awesome time at the reunion.  Taking the picture wasn't even as close to as difficult as I had imagined.  Everything had been blown out of proportion in my mind.  I really do have a great and supportive family.  No wonder Satan wants to thwart that!  He wants me to feel isolated and he wants to create contention.

As I have reflected on this experience, I have had eyes to see more than I did at first.  I recognized the three voices in my head that day.  One was from Satan, one was my own and one was the Spirit.

No matter what happens to us, no matter what trials come into our lives we are ultimately more than our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We are the SELECTORS of our feelings and emotions. That means that as we control and direct those thoughts and feelings we determine our destiny.  We become a product of what we choose to dwell on and what we choose to do with the external circumstances of our life.

Understanding that we have the power to choose our thoughts begins to give us the strength to resist the bad ones.  It also helps us to start to discern the evil ploys that Satan uses to try to get us to be paralyzed or to act in ways that will limit our happiness. 

Satan is subtle.  He is sneaky and he wants us to instinctively act on his suggestions. That is exactly what I did.  He used my grief to goad me into being offended.  He lied and told me that no one cared about me.  He isolated me and talked me into seeking outward validation instead of going to the true source for peace.  Those thoughts made me angry and pulled me from the Spirit.  He talked me into acting when my emotions were strong and raw and unfiltered.  

When Satan strikes, his attacks come on suddenly. They are stinging, mind-gripping unsettling thoughts. I have learned that Satan can use grief to pull me into selfish, inward thoughts. I did the wrong thing that day and Satan scored.  What I should have done was to take those bad feelings to the Lord.  Instead of turning to my family for reassurance and emotional help, if I would have prayed for help to deal with those feelings... if I would have asked for His grace to fill me, then I would have avoided all of the bad feelings and hurt that happened that day.  Relationships wouldn't have been injured and needed to be repaired. 

When I finally chose to go to the family reunion with the intent to strengthen family relationships then I  received more help to get through it.  I wasn't perfect at it, but I was enabled as I tried to act. If we go to the Lord in prayer and specifically ask for grace, and then find a way to positively act and give grace, His grace can begin to flow through us.  As the scriptures describe, we can receive, "grace for grace." We can get help to overcome those bad feelings.

I recently learned this strategy at a widows conference and I can't wait to purposefully test it out.  I have inadvertently done this before, and it worked really well, but I think if I do it consciously it can be so much more powerful. 

If we can learn to recognize Satan's ploys and then choose to go the opposite way 200%, we can teach those evil voices that their ploys won't work on us.  We can make their efforts backfire and that will limit their recurrence.

Just think about it for a minute... If Satan knows that his efforts will unleash a powerful force for good.  He may just choose to let the sleeping dog lie.  We can choose to just ignore the voice, but if we identify it and actively choose to fight him, I believe our result can be powerful.  I believe that he will stop his attacks sooner if they cause a response that thwarts his plan.

Satan knows my triggers.  He knows how to get me going, but if he repeatedly doesn't get a response, he backs off.  I know this from personal experience.  The beginning of a diet is always the hardest.  The beginning of an exercise program is filled with the desire to just skip today, but after repeated action, those voices begin to diminish and just fade away.  When they pop back in, it doesn't take near the effort to dismiss them.

The key then become the ability to recognize and discern that voice that pulls you inward.  Never act on that voice, and when it comes, commit to do an about face and run the other way.

I know God gives us power to overcome.  I feel it daily in my life.  It's amazing, it's enabling and it's worth every effort to get. It always flows when I turn outside of myself and try to do good.

I love this poem by Henry Van Dyke 

I hold it true that thoughts are things:

They're endowed with bodies, breath and wings;

And that we send them forth to fill 

The world with good results or ill.

That which we call our secret thought

Speeds forth to earth's remotest spot,

Leaving its blessings or its woes

Like tracks behind it as it goes.

We build our future, thought by thought

For good or ill, yet know it not.

Yet, so the universe was wrought.

Thought is another name for fate;

Choose, then, thy destiny and wait,

For love brings love and hate brings hate.

May we all sow seeds of love... even in our loss and grief, and may God fill you with His grace.

Check out this post in my new website: HowDoIGoOn.org

Regrets that Paralyze You

Regrets can paralyze you.  They can serve as roadblocks to keep you from moving forward.  They can snatch you, suck you back and spiral you down into grief. We all have regrets... it's simply part of living and part of making mistakes, but what we choose to do with those regrets or how we choose to come to terms with them either propels us forward or slams us back.

After my husband's death I dealt with regret on a level that I had previously never experienced.  There was so much that couldn't be undone, fixed or changed, so I was just left with all of the 'could have,' 'should have,' and 'would have' beens swirling around in my head.  

The accident was one of the biggest issues. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday... I had suggested that Scott take his plane on the trip with his dad.  For a long time, that really bothered me.  I felt responsible.  I wondered, "What if I had not suggested that, and he had just flown commercial? Would I still have my husband?"  A good friend pointed out to me one night, when I was crying on the phone about my regrets, that the accident would have simply happened the next time he flew.  As I thought about that, I realized that he was going to take the four kids and fly to Omaha for a Nebraska game the following weekend without me.  The depressurization of the plane played out in my mind with my husband and four children onboard.  My stomach sank at the thought of loosing my entire family.  My mind went back to the night before the accident and the quiet assurance that I had had about our family being aright even if something happened to Scott. (Before the Accident) It jumped forward to the phone call the broke the news and the words of peace and comfort that circulated in my head, "This was supposed to happen."  All of these things testified to me that this was not my fault and that it was part of a bigger plan that I could not yet see.

I was also tormented by the idea that Scott had missed or ignored the prompting to not get in that plane that night because he didn't want to disappoint me.  He knew I was making a special dinner and he didn't want to hurt me or make me mad by missing it.  The investigators questioned me, "Why was he in such a hurry to get home?  Did he have patients to see or something pressing?  Why didn't he just wait another day for the part?  What was so important that he needed to leave that night?"  They had no idea how their questions ignited my fears. As my heart sunk, I could only respond with the truth, "It was just me.  He wanted to get home to me."  Then the tears came as I explained about the dinner I had been making.  They didn't know what to say.  I could feel the uncomfortable silence on the other side of the phone.  I hadn't given them the information they needed, but they had confirmed my worst fear.  It was all my fault.  He got in that plane because of me.

I lived with that conversation for months, going back and forth in my mind between the idea that God had incorporated this tragedy into his great plan for our lives and the thought that I had been the cause of something so very wrong, something that would never be set right and something that would assuredly destroy us. This regret would resurface and cause my stomach to churn.  It would start me crying and make me doubt everything good that I had felt.  

Finally, I got an answer that gave me some relief.  About 4 months out, I attended a conference for young widows and widowers out in Utah where Chris Williams spoke about his pregnant wife and all but two of his children dying in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. His whole talk was touching, but as he described the night of the accident, his words hit me in a different way than anything else he had yet said.  He described how it had been a wonderful, fun evening together, and then he told of the feeling of peace and love for his family that came over him right before the impact that would take their lives. My mind went back to my experience and feeling those same feelings before the crash.  I listened more intently as he said, "There was no prompting to not get in the car that night.  No warning from the spirit came.  What happened, God allowed to happen for a greater purpose that I did not yet understand."  As he said those words, all of the weight of the regret I had carried fell from me like water running down a roof in a rain storm.  

I can't describe how I knew, but deep down the realization pierced me, "They didn't ignore a warning because of me.  It simply was not there."  I saw them laughing and talking about the fun weekend they had enjoyed together and the cars they had raced.  I knew that they had felt peace too, just like I had that night.  God had not intervened to stop what was going to take place, instead He brought us feelings of love for one another, comfort and reassurance.  He knew that this tragedy would hurt and cripple us, but he knew that it would change and refine us too.  He wanted us to gain everything we could learn from this  and so He didn't stop it.

I don't know what regrets and guilt plague your mind.  Sometimes there are things that we can go back and fix.  We can rectify those acts, apologize, make it better the best way we can, and then move forward.  But sometimes there are things that we cannot fix.  Sometimes there are things that we will never know and those can be the regrets that continue to haunt us and hold us back.

I can't answer those questions for you, I cannot bring you peace, but I can share with you how I found my peace.  It didn't come from the investigation or from people assuring me that my fears were unfounded.  It came from the spirit speaking peace to my mind.  The funny thing was, that is didn't happen when I was on my knees crying out to God to give me understanding.  The answers didn't come then, but my prayers were heard.  When the time was right and I was ready, I was placed in the path of people who shared their experiences with me.  My answers were not found in the words they said, but through them, I was touched on a deeper level and peace and understanding came to my heart.

Those are the answers that carry me.  Those are the ones I go back to when I start to fear and spiral down. I remember how I felt.  I reread what I wrote about those experiences and I feel it all again.  Answers can come, maybe not all of the answers we would like, but the ones that we need to move forward can come if we just pray and ask and then wait.  They come often when we don't expect, but if we put ourselves in a place where we can hear and feel those answers, they will come.

Don't live with your regrets.  Fix those things you can and pray for help to understand and feel peace about those that are beyond your control.  God wants to help us change and move forward.  He wants to give us those tender mercies and assurances that keep us going, but He can't if we won't hear and He can't if we aren't prepared.  That is what I make my focus now.  I try to be in a place where I can get those answers.  I am learning how to recognize them better and better.  

Does that make all of the pain go completely away? 

No, but it does help me to manage it.  It helps me to know that I am on the right path.  It helps me to know that there is a higher purpose in all of this and that gives me the drive to keep going and looking for ways to make Scott's death make a difference.  So that is part of the purpose that I have discovered. Yours may be completely different, but what ever it is, I encourage you to get the answers and peace that will help you let go of your regrets, find purpose and move forward.

See and comment on this post on my new website, How Do I Go On?

Finding Joy among the Crashing Waves

The holidays are approaching and I watch everyone else filled with excitement and anticipation.  Scott loved the holidays and it was always such a happy time in our house, but I find now that I dread those days.  I have learned to live with all of the normal days of the year... I have had well over 1000 of those days to practice being without him, but this is only our 4th thanksgiving, our 4th Christmas, his 4th birthday, and our 4th wedding anniversary apart.  Four really isn't that much, and I think the lack of practice on these special days makes them all the harder.

Honestly, I am tired of being sad... tired of dreading the day and looking for distractions to make it go quicker... I am tired of faking a smile and tired of the triggers that make me well up with tears. I really truly want to be able to live and enjoy those days again.

My children are growing up and leaving, and already we are not all together on those days.  I suppose this loss is something everyone faces, even without death in the picture.  Children grow up and leave home to create their own families.  Change is constantly in motion in our lives like waves crashing on the shore. We often catch ourselves fearing the next wave to come.

I am reminded of our surfing lessons in Hawaii this summer.  As we were trying to paddle out with the waves crashing in, we were toppled and tossed off our our boards with each new waves.  With eyes stinging from the salt water, we would recover our boards and try to make up the lost distance before the next wave gathered strength.  It was a tiring, loosing battle until our instructor taught us to dive under the wave.  Instead of sitting up on the board and trying to fight our way over the wave, we simply laid flat on the board and bowed our heads to dive beneath it.

It was effortless to get to the other side of the wave this way. We avoided the churning and emerged smoothly on the other side.  So as the waves of change crash upon our lives, we can either fight miserably against them or we can learn to peaceably roll with them.

Maybe I am finally at the point where I am tired enough of being beaten up in the resistance that I am finally willing to embrace the process of change in my life.  Just as we bow our heads to go under the powerful crashing waves, I can bow to the power of He who creates these waves of change, and as I do that, I know that He can help me pass to the other side of them.

So what is holding me back?  As I think about it, it has to be fear.  Fear is that beast that always tries to paralyze me and prevent me from moving forward in faith.  It is what dampens my hope and kills my joy.

What do I fear?  

Unfulfilled expectations, more loss, being alone...

How do I combat those fears?  

There is only one way that I know to combat fear, and that is through prayer.  Through prayer, I can get the power to overcome those fears.  So tonight that is what I was doing.  Not formally on my knees, but pondering through out the evening and when I slipped into the tub tonight.  My mind went back to earlier today and a lesson formulated in my mind.

This afternoon, my daughter sang a solo in the all city choir.  In the audience I was trying to get the camera ready to video her portion of the song that was coming up.  I was fiddling with the settings, when I looked up towards her.  I found myself wishing that I had brought my glasses so that I could see her better, and then in the middle of that thought, superimposed upon it, came a clear voice... "Isn't she so beautiful?"

I stopped everything as tears welled in my mind.  "You're here!" I thought shaking my head slightly, "Of course I'm/you're here... I/You wouldn't miss this." It was if there were two voices thinking the same thing in my head. Then I was still and I just felt... felt the emotions flood me... the love that my husband had for his little girl filled me with such an alarming strength that I fought back more tears.

As I video taped her part, I just shared that moment with him... the two of us watching together... both soaking it in... and then he was gone.  The song was over and just as quick as it had come over me, it was gone.

After the performance, I told Rachel that her dad was there.  She smiled and said, "I know." So tonight I have been thinking about this and what I wrote earlier about special days being hard.

Why today?  Why did I feel that today?  

I sunk down in the tub in my darkened bathroom letting the water cover my ear to block out every sound but my breathing.  The realization came as I pondered those questions.

I get to be physically here and I get to enjoy all of these special moments with them.  Scott does not, but it's what he wants more than anything.  Together we watched her today, and I felt those emotions in him.  Today I wasn't thinking about him not being here.  I wasn't lamenting it.  Sadness was not blinding me, and it just happened... Maybe his ability to experience and be with us is contingent upon me not being sad and focusing on myself.  Maybe he depends on me to focus on the kids and the joy I can have with them.

This is a new thought for me.  It makes sense in my mind.  I know that for Scott to be with us and for us to feel him, we have to have the spirit with us.  It is absolutely critical. That is why we live the way we do.  It is why we have given up things that drive the spirit away and why we try not to argue or fight, but I had not pulled sadness into that category.  Maybe it's time now for me to understand this... maybe it's time for me to make that change and I needed to know why in order to have the power to do it.

If I choose to turn inward and be sad and dwell on what I do not have, then I block the spirit and I block my husband.  I miss out and he misses out.

I don't have much time left with my children... It's time that I stop missing out on the joy that I felt today.  I have a lot of big things coming up.  My son, Alex, is getting married this Christmas.  They are coming home for Thanksgiving and we are having it together with her family, Scott's birthday is the beginning of December and then the wedding is on our anniversary.  I can't miss this... I can't be sad and miss this... miss all of the joy my husband wants to experience with me and share with me.

Maybe if I view it this way, I will have the incentive to push those bad thoughts away and I will be able to be still and just feel. Maybe this is how I duck my head and dive under the wave.

That is what today and tonight taught me... now I just have to do what I believe to be true.  I have to act in faith and trust that the feelings will come and I will feel a great measure of joy this year.  This new revelation is exciting to me because I think I have somewhere to focus now and I feel like I can do this better this year.

So if you struggle on those special days because you have a loss that eats at your heart, choose to push away the sadness. Choose not to dwell on it and to be grateful. Choose to be still and to see the joy around you.  Open a place in your heart for the spirit to fill you.  You may not have a spouse on the other side of the veil, but you do have a Father in Heaven who loves you beyond description.  He wants us to find joy in this life and He wants to fill us with it, but He can't if we don't want to receive that gift.

If we are so focused in fear on the next wave to come, if we are bracing for the impact then we will miss the ease of the water flowing over us as we bow and dive beneath it.  Choose to bow.  Choose to trust your instructor and you will come out less beaten up on the other side.

Trusting God Brings Me Peace

 Trusting God Brings Me Peace

Today I am driving to the trailhead of Havasupai Falls in the Grand Canyon.  My senior son and I are backpacking together.  This is one of the perks of not having a husband… I get to do some neat one-on-one things with my kids.  The timing however is not perfect….

We ended up getting an offer on the house…which was very low, so I countered.  They countered back and I countered again.  Of course they wanted to come see it again last night when I was traveling!  This morning as I prepare to go ‘off grid’ for three days, I still have not heard back

Am I a little stressed?

I admit, I’ve had a few lapses of trust and faith… but I keep remembering my past experiences and the things I have felt.  I keep choosing to have faith and trust and to reject fear.

Here’s a little bit of the story…

My son, on a mission in Chile, knew nothing about the house showing or the offer.  When he emailed Monday, this was our conversation...

My son: I was walking back from the supermarket and this just popped into my head. Something happened with the house. I thought it had sold. Don’t ask me how, but I knew something was going to happen with the house today. Anything up? 

Mom: We got an offer on the house on Friday night. It was pretty low.  I countered back.  I haven't heard back yet.  We will see. 

My son: It´ll sell. 95% sure. I got a really, really weird jerk on my train of thought going down the escalator in Lider. I was thinking about something completely different. God let me know. It was about an hour and a half ago. It´ll sell. 

That was a wonderful reassurance to me.  

I had spent a significant time praying and pondering about the problem on Saturday.  I had felt good about countering back, but I had felt that the house would ultimately sell for a lower, very specific number, one that would require me to come up with a significant amount of money to get out of it.

Why would God let my house sell for the lower amount instead of for what I needed?

My answer was this…

“You need to let the money go and trust that God will take care of you.”

I don’t know how, but that is what I am going to trust in… 

that has been the lesson for me. 

“Trust God 100%”

Trusting God gives me peace

So how do you get to the point where you learn to trust Him like that?  How do you learn to leap when He commands, not knowing where you will land?

A teacher once told me, “Faith is taking 3 steps in the dark before you see the light.”

Experience and Practice are the only way to learn this.

When we are put in situations that are difficult and the answers are not immediately apparent, we are forced to take those steps forward in faith, exerting our trust.

John 7:17- If any man will DO his will, he will KNOW the doctrine. 

It’s important to note that we have to DO first before we KNOW.  This is very contrary to what most of us want.  We want evidence BEFORE we exert that trust.

Last year the process of selling my house was so painful and NOT peaceful because I had my will AGAINST God.  I did not TRUST Him.  I wanted my answers NOW.  I wanted it MY way.  I was going to DO it my way, even if that meant being impatient and irritable with my family.  I was in the wrong, and I felt that my behaviors and responses were justified.  

When I was in that frame of mind, the Lord couldn’t help me.  

I had separated myself from Him because I was choosing to be upset.  

Technically, I really needed to change my behavior and get myself back aligned with Him.  I needed to pray to be enabled with more trust and to get peace.  Bit by bit my experience each time taught me that, and as I began to try to change then I gained the ability to change.

Over and over again we have to be put in difficult circumstances that require us to turn to God and learn to trust.  If we are willing to make changes in ourselves and to exercise that trust, and then in time as we LOOK, we will begin to see the patterns in our lives that show us that God does take care of us.  I say ‘LOOK’ because those patterns aren’t necessarily obvious at first, and our frame of mind determines if our eyes are ‘OPEN’ to see them.

Our faith grows, not by having it easy, but by acting and watching the results.

So last night as I began to feel the pressure of being without cell service I reminded myself..

“When you don’t know what to do, go to the Lord.  Ask for ideas of what to do. Be specific in your prayers… pray for strength, pray for courage to do what you need to do.”

So before I left for the trail I spent the night praying…

I said, “I’m struggling with my faith. I fear it is faltering… ‘Help thou my unbelief’.' Please help me know what to do and to feel peace.”

In the morning I knew what to do.  

I called my relator and told him to take any counter offer down to that ‘lower number.’  I told him if they didn’t counter back to tell them that I would take the lower number.  Then I got in the car and put my faith and trust in the prompting I had received.

So…I guess I will find out in three days.  

I’ll post the results and some pictures from our trip

Some Very Personal Things You Have to Know to Understand My Story...

I have some confessions to make...  (This is a little scary for me.)  If I am going to tell you more of my story, there are some very personal things you have to know about me to better understand it. 

There have been times in my life when I have known things...

 I should not not be able to know.    

I've known things about my future.  

I know what you're thinking...

Is that even possible? To know things years before they happen? 

Most people would skeptically look at me and shake their heads.

"You're crazy.  There's no way. That was just a coincidence..."

Once... Twice....Maybe...

But my life has been full of these experiences.  Experience that start for me at age 9 and were recorded in my childish handwriting in my journal and told to family and friends while I was growing up. I am going to be open and share some of those with you so you can better understand my story.

I have written in another blog, OUR LOVE STORY, about knowing that I would marry my husband at age 9.  I wrote it in my journal multiple times as I was growing up.  I told my feelings to my family and friends.  I think they humored me, either that or they openly laughed.  I even knew how it would happen and I told people that as well.  

Despite the harassment, I never gave up because it was something I knew so deeply inside of me... 

a truth I could not deny

You see... we never dated in high school.  I was much younger than Scott. He taught me swimming lessons, and when I was 14 and he was a senior, I used to wait for his girlfriend to go to the bathroom at church dances so that I could ask him to dance. I knew when he returned from his two year mission for our church that we would meet, he would see how much I had grown up, ask me out, we would fall in love and get married.  

That was the plan... 

and that is exactly what happened. 

Not only that, but on our third date we got engaged! I even told some friends after our second date that I knew I was going to be getting engaged. (Yes, I think they thought I was crazy.) 

Almost 10 years after the initial prompting,

  I finally saw what I knew in my heart actually come true.

What?? 
How crazy is that? 
How could a marriage last that was decided after two dates? 
How were you even in love?

The answer... We weren't in love yet, but we both had a very special spiritual experience that confirmed to us that this was what God wanted us to do.  So we moved forward in faith and love came. 

Scott also had inklings growing up that he should ask me out after his mission.  We liked to say that our spirits just remembered each other.  That's why the song 1000 years was so special to us.

These experiences do not end with meeting my husband...  

When I was 16, I had a spiritual experience while praying that let me know that I would be the mother of a bunch of boys with a daughter at the end.  Again, I wrote this in my journal. When Scott and I married, I told him we would have a bunch of boys and then a girl.  I was so sure of this that I went and bought girl clothes before we even got pregnant with our last child.  I hid them of course, and when my husband discovered them he replied, "I'm afraid we are going to have to commit you if it isn't a girl!" But I knew she was coming and I knew we would be best friends because we had always been.  

12 years after that spiritual experience, I saw it come true with the birth of my daughter.

How do I explain this?

The only way is that....God still speaks to man.

If you believe in the Bible then you know that God spoke to prophets of old, both in the old and new testaments, and even after the death of the Savior, but...

Does He still speak today? 

And the bigger question...

Does He actually care enough about a little girl growing up in the Midwest

 to point her to the man she would marry someday? 

and to let her know who her children would be?

My only conclusion is yes! It is the only explanation I have.

What does this tell me? 

It tells me that God loves ME! He knows and loves me as an individual.  He is the father of my spirit and I as his daughter am precious and important to Him.

What does this tell me about you? 

He feels the same way about YOU! 

You may say... 

but I haven't had experiences like that,

so if He is there, 

then He doesn't love me like that.

That is untrue... 

"To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know.., to others it is given to believe on their words." (D&C 46: 13-14)

I believe we lived with God as his children before we came to earth.  We loved each other, and we loved Him.  My son Alex spoke about this at the funeral in the post OUR LOVE STORY.  There we made plans and promises to come to Earth so we could grow and become better.

I believe I knew Scott there.  

I believe I knew my children and many of the people who lives I have touched,

 and who have touched mine.  

I do not believe that this life is just happenstance.

God doesn't just sit on His throne and wait for everything to just play out like a child watching a colony of ants. On the contrary... 

There is a very specific plan, intricately orchestrated

 to be very personal to each one of us.  

The plan is intended to help us get back to Him. 

Why don't we remember this plan and this life we had before?  

Because part of coming here was to learn to use and trust our spiritual senses more than our physical ones.  We needed to learn to develop faith.  In order to do that a veil of forgetfulness needed to shroud our memories, but that veil is not permanent.  

It is permeable and occasionally we get glimpses through it...

We see it displayed in the intellectual genius and the creative minds of men like Einstein and Mozart who create as of they are remembering theory once learned and songs once heard.

You may have experienced this in a new friendship... that feels as if it has existed forever.

For me it has happened in those previous experiences and in many others since my husband's death that I will later relate.

You may ask... 

Why does God speak to you like that?  

I do not know why this experience was given to me...  

Maybe it is just a special spiritual gift I have. (1 Corinthians 12)  

Maybe I needed that confirmation so I would not doubt when Scott died. 

Maybe I needed that experience so I could trust future prompting that I wouldrecieve, especially those that are carrying me through this time.  

Maybe I was given that so I could testify to you.   

Maybe it is all of the above...

One thing is certain, knowing these things have been key to my understanding and healing from the tragic death of my husband. 

Having the past experience of 'waiting on The Lord' for His promises to be fulfilled,

has given me strength and faith to wait on 

future promises that have not yet been realized.  

You also need to know that these large experiences are not what has cemented my confidence in promptings from the Holy Ghost. It has been the constant smaller scale, little daily promptings, that when followed have resulted in amazing experiences that have testified to me that God REALLY can direct my life.

What can you take from this? 

Know that God has a plan for you and that he can speak to you too.  If you are doing what is right, if you are praying and seeking His guidance, He will tell you things that you need to know when you need to know them.  They may not be grand occurrences that will happen years later, but they will be the things that you need for today.

Most the time, that is what it is for me... Daily direction of what to do TODAY.  Who to help, who to call,  what to say or write. Those are the things we need.  

Those are the things that allow us to get through hard times.  

Trusting that He has a plan,

 and that He will lead us through it...

ONE STEP AT A TIME.