At 8 Years... My Thoughts Turn to Gratitude

A few weeks ago it hit me that we were coming up on the eight year mark of my late husband and father-in-law's death. I was already feeling discouraged about all that has been going on in our country, so as I thought about the past eight years and all that has happened, the milestones passed as a single parent, the melancholy set in. I found myself feeling deeply saddened and I couldn’t sleep. After praying for a while, I felt prompted to get up and read some of Scott’s journal entries. At one in the morning, in my jammies on my closet floor, I thumbed through the bookmarked entries. As I read page after page, I was struck with Scott’s attitude of gratitude. Entry after entry was full of expressions of gratitude for his family, for the gospel of Jesus Christ, for his job, and for the time he had to spend with us. Surrounding those expressions of gratitude were small mentions of challenges, but they did not overshadow his thoughts. I crawled back in bed with a renewed desire to be more grateful. Dave was fast asleep, and I was struck that I had been blessed with another husband with a similar sunny disposition. Someone who also sees the glass half full.

If we want, we can see a lot of bad in this world; we can see bad in our lives. We can become overwhelmed and crippled by the challenges. We can count the ever mounting losses and feel that some how we have been overlooked in the blessing department.... or.... we can choose to see the good. We can choose to focus on the small ways God helps us through the struggles. We can choose to be changed for the better by the things we suffer.

As I think about this day 8 years ago, I choose not to focus on the accident. Instead, I am remembering the beautiful experience I had walking with my children on the Galloway trail...

The sun was going down and a beautiful amber glow surrounded us. Alex and Rachel were skipping ahead hand in hand. Cooper had his arm around Eric and they were joking about something. I found myself stepping back and taking the scene in. An amazing feeling of love washed over me. I found myself thinking, "I'm so lucky! I have kids who want to be with me and with each other on a Saturday night... Scott is coming home... My life is perfect." As I just relished that beautiful moment another thought came into my mind. It was quiet and peaceful and didn't disturb the moment. "If something happens to Scott, this will be enough, you could still be happy."

God gave me a gift 8 years ago...

Today as I think about that 38 year old mom, I see her walking with two angels. Their arms are around her and they are leaning in, whispering reassurances, knowing the difficulties that are to come. Their words and that experience still impact me today. It lets me know that God and heaven are mindful of me. Today I choose to see the beauty in that moment and to relive the overwhelming feeling of love that surrounded me.

As I choose what to focus on today, I choose to be grateful for the light in my life that has become apparent because of the shadows...

• Today I am grateful for children who have remained strong and faithful, who have more empathy than they would have without loss in their lives, and who set an example for me everyday of moving forward and doing good with their lives. 
• I’m grateful for the preparations Scott and I made, how we listened to promptings and how those decisions have made this time easier for me. 
• I’m grateful for beautiful friends who have suffered and for the closeness we have shared through our suffering. 
• I’m grateful for heaven and for angels and how my eyes have been opened to their influence in my life. 
• I’m grateful for family that has supported and cried with me, who have cheered me on and encouraged me to keep getting up. 
• I’m grateful for inspiration that has guided and directed me in this new journey. 
• I’m grateful for a second husband who helps me bear my burdens and who teaches me about generosity. 
• I’m grateful for the years I’ve had to teach seminary, for those students who still reach out to me and for the positive impact we have made in each other’s lives. 
• I’m grateful for individuals who have listened to promptings and who have reached out to me in times of need. 
• I’m grateful for Scott and Patrick’s examples in my lives. For how they have changed me for the better. 
• I’m grateful for the covenants I have made with Christ, for how keeping those covenants draws me closer to Him and helps me become more like Him. 
• I’m grateful for good people in this world, who in their own quiet ways try to lift others and made a positive difference. 
• I’m grateful for the times I have been healthy and for the times I have been ill because those times make me better appreciate the wonderful gift of a healthy body. 

Above it all, I’m grateful for life. For the chance I have had to experience good and bad, to learn and grow from those experiences, and for the lasting relationships that I have formed with all of you. In the end, that is all we take with us. The measure of our lives will be how we lived and who we touched.

What are you grateful for today?

I Will Prepare You: Thoughts At Year Six

Six years ago today, my life forever changed. This morning I was thinking back about that day and remembering how much we were prompted and guided to have discussions that later prepared me to move forward after the accident. Scott and I had talked about so many specific things. On walks at night we planned what I should do if something ever happened to him. Our topics were surprisingly thorough, ranging from the realestate agent I should use to list the house, to discussions about me remarrying, to wills and estate planning and what we wanted on our tombstones. At the time I had no idea how the Lord was preparing me and what a difference our listening and heading those promptings made. I’m grateful that I had a husband who was in tune to the spirit and followed up on those things he felt he should do.

I also see how both of us were inspired to make changes in our personal goals and our family focus that prepared us individually and as a family. I watched how Scott had an increased desire to serve others and his family. The month before the accident he spent dinner time teaching his boys everything he learned from his mission. I remember a few days before, how on a walk, he had broken down about Alex leaving on his mission in eight months. He commented how badly he wanted to go with him. In the last five out of six years, I have had sons on missions. Each boy has had profound experiences with their dad while serving those missions. I strongly believe that Scott was prepared for roles he would fufill after his death.

When I think about myself, I remember creating a new mission statement a month before the accident. I wanted to be a more charitable and empathetic towards others. I was reading everything I could find on the subject and I was praying that I could figure out how to be different. Little did I know, that an experience was coming that would forever change me. I needed to face my own personal suffering in order to be able to relate to others who were also suffering. Because of those promptings, I was in a good spiritual place when Scott died and that allowed me to have other experiences that prepared me.

The night of the accident I was walking with my kids on the Galloway trail. They had all wanted to be together that night. As the sun was going down and as I watched my kids skipping ahead of me arm in arm, I had an amazing feeling of love come over me. Very clearly in my mind came the words, “If something happens to Scott, this will be enough, you can still be happy. “ At the time I was so filled with love that I thought nothing of it. As I look back, I know the five of us were not the only ones on the trail that night. We had angels walking with us. I had arms around me preparing me for what I would discover the next morning.

Last week I drove back to Springfield to speak to our college age youth group about how I have seen the Lord’s hand in my life. I used the scripture below to talk about how The Lord prepares us with light before challenging journeys.

“24 For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.

25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come. Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?”

The morning after the accident, when my mother-in-law called to tell me that they have not landed, my mind immediately went back to the night before on the Galloway trail and I knew that I had been prepared. In that moment, time stood still and I watched myself sink to the floor and give up and despair. As my future continued to unfold I watched my children’s lives self-destruct. There was darkness everywhere...all I could think was, “There has to be a way out of this, There has to be a way out of this!” Then, out of the darkness there was light off to my side. In my mind I made the choice to turn towards it. When I made that choice, new words came into my head… “This was supposed to happen, we chose this, you have to be strong, this will heal many hearts, now go and figure out how you’re going to tell the kids.“ That day, and every day since, those words of light have carried me through the darkness. I know that day I had an angel husband standing beside me, whispering words of truth that would sustain me for the rest of my life.

The miracles that have unfolded in my life the last six years have been incredible to be a part of! God over and over again has pulled me out of the depths of the sea. He has continued to give me light and understanding, and He has allowed his angels to walk with me on this journey. He has given me a purpose. He has expanded my concept of family and given me more people to love and care for in my life.




Today I am grateful for that preparation. I’m grateful that we don’t have to walk this sometimes lonely and painful journey alone. I’m grateful that this experience of life it’s not the end, but a way for us to learn and grow and be better, and I am grateful for those waves that have propelled me on that journey.

New Beginnings and Happy Endings

I had a fairytale start to my life. I had a husband who adored me, 4 bright, beautiful children, and then without a moments notice everything came crashing down and life as I knew it fell apart. I wondered if I would ever feel happiness again in this life. What good was a fairytale beginning without a happy ending? In my darkest moments I felt abandoned, hopeless and lost.

Despite the darkness, I made a choice... 

         the choice to choose God and faith everyday. 

I trusted that my story wasn’t over. I trusted that understanding would come as I continued to exercise faith, and that understanding did come in quiet, simple assurances from the spirit. I learned to trust that peaceful voice in my head and to use my life and experiences to promote good.

Day by day I was taught...

And gradually I began to realize that the purpose of life perhaps isn’t to have everything work out all of the time. Maybe in reality my view of perfection would be a prison that wouldn’t allow growth or change. Without tasting the bitter, how could I every know to prize the sweet?

Perhaps instead, life is about learning how to feel joy even in difficult circumstances. 

It is about learning how to focus outward, how to give love unconditionally, so there is a greater place for us to receive it back. It’s about doing harder things than you thought possible and feeling God’s power and strength aiding you through the hard times. It’s about freeing ourselves from worldly pursuits and focusing on people and our relationships with them.

Now, 5 1/2 years after my world fell apart I find the pieces miraculously coming together in a more beautiful design than I could have ever expected. God is good. Divine Design exists in our life. He eventually compensates us for every loss. He can fill our empty holes with more love if we turn our focus and life to Him and doing His will.

Initially I felt loss from all the life changes that occurred along with my husband’s death, but as compensation for that loss, I gained empathy and the ability to relate to and help others who were struggling in similar circumstance. I also gained opportunities to serve that I would not have had in my former life.

As a result, now my life is fuller because of the purpose it has gained.

I felt loss of family when my husband died. Then that loss was compounded as I sent my sons one by one on missions, but as I continued to exercise faith, our family numbers began to increase. Shortly after each son's return, we welcomed into our family new daughter-in-laws and now an upcoming grandson. As I look to the future I see more family and more love on the way.

I recently met an amazing man through circumstances that I can only describe as divine design. God works in mysterious and miraculous ways to bring good things into our lives. Major mountains have been moved and losses have been compensated. We are engaged to be married in late May and with him I gain 4 more children to love. I feel my heart is overflowing with gratitude to the Lord for granting my deepest and very personal desires, for giving me the gift of more family and with it more opportunities to give and receive love.

To any and all who feel they are stuck in the darkness, I encourage you to choose to reach for the light everyday. Hold onto your faith and cling to hope. Trust God and what He is doing with your life. Don’t fear change and loss because they may be the vehicles for you to receive greater joy. God loves us and He seeks in His time table to grant our heartfelt righteous desires. As we wait on Him we begin to understand His ways and a greater measure of strength and faith flows into our lives. He is always there; there is always hope, and happy endings come.

The One Thing I Need Right Now...

With Christmas done I’ve been thinking about the new year and all of the changes that we are going to be making. I'm putting my house on the market at the end of January, selling most of the things I own, and moving out to a small condo by my kids in Utah.  I won't have seminary or yard work to keep me busy, and I will be leaving friends, extended family and everything I've known and am comfortable with. I don't know where all of this will lead, but it's something I have felt for a while now that God wants me to do.  For me it's a huge step in the dark, or rather a leap off the cliff into the abyss.

If I allow myself, fear can start to creep in and make me worry about how everything is going to work out. This morning I turned to the words of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B Hinckley. He reminded me about the power of faith. Faith in Jesus Christ and in His power to deliver us always dispels fear, and it gives us actual power to move forward and make things happen. When we know we are doing is what God wants us to do, then we can confidently expend our effort, knowing that He will have our back.

A few days ago, I was putting together scrapbook pages as a Christmas present for my kids. On one of the pages, I pasted a picture of my 8 year-old son, Cooper, lifting a heavy barbell. The photograph captured perfectly Cooper’s singleminded effort and determination.  I know all the power to lift that bar didn’t come just from Cooper’s will. I remembered watching Scott help them learn how to lift.  He placed his hands on the bar as well.  He made them struggle through each repetition, but at key moments he provided the additional strength that the boys had not yet acquired so that they could successfully complete their task.

If we can just remember that our Father In Heaven also desires to help us lift heavy burdens in our life, we will have the power to expend our energy with full confidence that the bar will rise.

Paul wrote to Timothy: “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord” (2 Tim. 1:7–8).

When all is said and done Faith is our “only genuine and lasting hope"... and that great "moving power can change our lives.” - G B Hinckley

In our moments of struggling, that concept can be difficult to remember.  I think it is human nature to want to know the end from the beginning, but God's ways are not our ways. Like a headlamp in a dark cave, God’s pattern is to give us just enough information to light the path a few steps in front of us. Even though we cannot see very far ahead, He expects us to take steps forward, trusting that the light will move with us and continue to illuminate our path.

Complaining and wishing to know more will not change God’s pattern. 

• The Red Sea did not part until the children of Israel had their feet in its waters and pharaoh’s army in hot pursuit at their backs.
• The 5000 were not fed until all of the food that could be found was given to the Lord.
• The woman with the issue of blood was not healed until she reached in faith for the Savior's hem

Over and over again in the scriptures, God expects us to act in faith before the miracle occurs. 

Why is this His pattern?

Making us expend our effort first grows our faith.

So when my faith muscle begins to tremble and feels like it's going to give out, I try to remember the promise of this same wise man who practiced using his faith for 97 years.

“It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us.” -Gordon B Hinkley

I know in my life, God has never forsaken me.  Help has always come when it was desperately needed, and it will come again.  All I have to do, is take my first step in the dark. 

5 Years... Has It Been That Long?

(If my experiences have in any way brought healing to you, please take the time to read this post and to give me a ❤️. Thank you for being amazing friends on this journey!)

Yesterday, I told a new friend my story for the very first time. I was reminded all over again of words of direction that came to me as I discovered my husband’s plane had not landed the previous night as planned.

I was standing in front of my bedroom mirror, with the phone in my hand. Time stood still and it was as if my entire future was opened before me. I watched myself sink to the floor and give up. I followed the lives of my children down a very dark path. As I traveled deeper and deeper, I kept repeating in my mind... “there must be a way out... there has to be a way to fix this...” But the more I traveled the more their lives unraveled. Then like a beacon in the night there was light off to my right. In the very moment I turned to the light, I found myself back in front of the mirror with these poignant words forever engraved in my memory...

This was supposed to happen
We choose this
You have to be strong
THIS WILL HEAL MANY HEARTS

I didn’t fully understand those words at that moment, but with them came a power to move forward.

I have found my experience to be very unique. I don’t know why those words were given to me that day, except that I know now they were spoken by my husband to put me on a very specific path. A path that would not only lead to my healing, but to healing the hearts of others.

10 months after my husband’s death I started a blog entitled “Not for Naught: a young Widows journey.” not4naught.blogspot.com I wanted my experiences to count for something. I felt that I had power to testify in a unique way because of the things I had experienced. I felt I had a responsibility to come to the aid of others who were suffering and to help mentor them along a path that God was showing me. Throughout this journey I have tried to be genuine and authentic in both my struggles and my triumphs.

This life is not always easy and it is often filled with sorrow, but I know there is always hope. That hope comes because of Jesus Christ. I have truly come to know Him in my intense moments of suffering as He carries, enables and strengthens me to do more than I could ever do alone.

If in some way, you have felt that power through me, then I want you to know, it’s Him, not me that is the source of light. In a wonderful, miraculous way, He allows me to be present in the process and to feel the byproduct of that light. To each and every person who has felt strengthen by me, I want to thank you in turn for strengthening me and for letting me be part of your story and for becoming part of mine.

I hope to see evidence of the healing these past 5 years have produced, but to truly see it, I would need to add the hearts that each of you have healed because you have reached out, and then the hearts those people have helped to heal. The healing just continues to multiply. I can’t imagine what another 5 years will bring!

Anyone who knew Scott or Patrick would agree that they were beacons of Light to those around them. Their deaths have not extinguished that light, if anything it has multiplied it again and again, allowing them to make more of a difference than perhaps that would have if they have lived.

We honor them by sharing and multiplying the light they gave us. In our struggles and trials we have the greatest opportunity to share that light. People watch what we do when life gets hard. Each of us can use our struggles as an instrument of healing in the lives of others.

Please ❤️ this post if you have felt this in your life and in memory of Scott and his father Patrick, please share it with others today.

Reflections

I haven't written in a long time. Truthfully, I thought I had said everything there was to say, but today as I was reflecting on some recent experiences I had some thoughts that I felt compelled to share.

This week my new daughter-in-law's oldest brother passed away, and a good widow friend of mine reached her one year mark. Needless to say, this week I've had a lot of conversations about death, trials, and God's plan. You would think that all this talking would suck me back into grief. I'll admit there have been moments where I have felt a few pangs, but for the most part what I have felt is extreme gratitude for the things that I have suffered the last five years and how those things have prepared me to be able to help other people who are hurting. There is always a light that fills me and a peace that over powers me when I reach out that makes any residual pain worth it.

After those conversations, I found myself wondering…

What if...

I had died instead of Scott?

What if…

The accident had never happened?

Who then would have helped all of these people?

Now I'm not so enamored with myself to think that God wouldn't have put someone else in their path to help, but it does cause me to reflect. Because each of us is unique, the relationships that we have with other people put us in unique and very individual positions to help. The more I look, the more I see how God is not only in the details of my life, but also in the details of those around me. He has woven an intricate story causing us to intersect and overlap in ways that aid and potential accelerate all of our growth. As I look at the people I have been able to impact, I think back to others who experienced hard things before me and were placed in my path. I have to admit that I would not be where I am without them. I begin to see what an important link we each are in the lives of those that touch ours. That thought encourages me to be a little stronger and brighter, to be a little more courageous. It helps me see purpose in suffering and redemption from tragedy.

So wherever you are in your life experiences, don't become so bogged down in your own suffering to not see the potential you have to touch others because of what you have suffered.

Use it for good.

Don't let your suffering go to waste.

Make it not4naught.

Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones?

I know of several people who are experiencing severe trials in their lives right now. Their circumstances have made me reflect on the things our family has faced. I have been reminded of the pain, the struggles, the questions... the really hopeless times. Then I have thought of all of the experiences that have come because of those hard things. I've looked at how my faith and trust in God has grown these past 4 years. I've noticed how fear controls a much smaller portion of my life and how my desire to control my circumstances and other people has diminished. I can see that I am better at feeling peace, better at loving others, better at dealing with my trials.

One truth I have learned is that Severe Trials have the propensity to propel you forward.

The stones in our path can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones. How we choose to view them and use them makes all of the difference.

I'm grateful for the truth I know that has allowed me to eventually see those stones as positive ways to move forward. As I approach year four on this journey, my goal is to not get tripped up by the stones in the path, but to use them to propel me forward. My goal is to feel more joy in life and to allow Christ to resorb some of the sorrow.

This summer I had all of my kids home for the first time in three years. All of the loss and waiting has taught me that I have much to be grateful for. As I have focused on the good in my life, I have found the power to get over those stones is much greater. Lately, I have noticed that they seem smaller. I have wondered if my eyes are playing tricks on me. Perhaps with all of the climbing, my legs have finally gotten stronger. Either way, I've also noticed that the weight in my pack doesn't seem as heavy when I let go of the negative thoughts that pull me down and focus on the lighter thoughts of gratitude.

Trials can strengthen you and gratitude can lift you. What we do with the things we are given makes all of the difference.

I hope today that my thoughts give you something to reflect on.

• How can you look at the stones in your life differently? 
• What role can gratitude play in helping you overcome those hurdles before you?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

The Long, Lonely Road

As I have fought and struggled with feelings of loneliness, I have questioned, "What is the purpose of the pain and suffering that so many of us feel from lost or non-existanting relationships?" I have wondered, "Am I having this experience because I need to learn to like being alone?

I have concluded that loneliness is not completely bad.  It can give us opportunities for personal growth and to reach out and serve others in ways that I don't think we do when we are busy with lots of personal relationships.  Loneliness can push us out of our comfort zone and can help us to look beyond ourselves with new found empathy.

But ultimately, what if the purpose of loneliness is to teach us something completely else?

What if loneliness is to teach us NOT to prefer to be alone?  What if loneliness is to teach us to finally be able to set aside personal differences and intolerances so that we can be in better relationships in the future?

The more I think about it, the more I believe that being alone is very contrary to our nature. Babies naturally opposed it.  They want to be swaddled, snuggled and embraced.  In fact babies who are void of loving contact can even cease to thrive and die.  We need our connection with others.  We crave it and desire to be deeply understood.  Yet this life experience is fraught with periods of loneliness .

Despite this deep internal desire, often it is the very things within our character that push us away from others. As we grow, our image of self emerges, and we struggle to find a balance between our desires and the desires of others.  Through experience we find that we cannot find happiness by fulling our own personal desires alone.  As much as we desire independence, the truth is, if we want to have loving relationships that fulfill our needs, we need to learn to be interdependent.

That means making personal sacrifices for the good of others that we care about.

As we struggle and feel loneliness, those feelings can increase our desire to not only have companionship again, but to be better companions ourselves.   Our losses can compel us to make changes that allow our cherished relationships to become even stronger.  Many have heard the phrase, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Suffering, if honed for that purpose, can help our hearts expand in their capacity to feel and express love.  In turn we become more patient, forgiving and long-suffering toward others.

Loneliness can not only improve our ability to have better relationship with people, but it can help us desire to be closer to God.  When we separate ourselves from Him through disobedience and selfishness, tI believe the loss we feel is loneliness for His presence in our lives.  That loneliness also can compel us to change, to repent and be more obedient.

Ultimately I believe our souls are lonely for God and our relationship with Him.  Like prodigal sons we all eventually come to ourselves and miss home.  We miss and long to be back with Him and that is the incentive we need to reclaim that relationship.

As it is Easter Sunday tomorrow, I have been thinking of the loneliness that Christ felt in his last days.  In His most difficult hour, one by one all of his support system left Him.  Falling on his face in prayer, he was "sorrowful unto death," and surprised by the intensity of feelings enhanced by the withdrawal of his friends and then finally His Father. Crying with feelings of loneliness and pain, He asked, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Never before had Christ felt the absence of His Father's presence. Having been perfectly obedient, He had always enjoyed that comfort. Yet to be able to succor us, He had to experience what we feel when we personally disconnect ourselves from God.

Despite the pain Christ persevered.  He held on and overcame.  His faith propelled Him through this intense experience, and in so doing He gained the power to be able to help each of us through our own struggles with loneliness, personal sin, and tragedy.   His example gives me courage and it gives me strength to try to do the same. With His help I know that is possible.

Even when we feel alone, we can remember that Christ promised to not leave us alone.  Although the Father withdrew His presence from His Son for a moment, I do not believe He was very far away.  He did it just for long enough that Christ could push through the finish line and grab the prize. Exerting all of the faith within Him, in final triumph He proclaimed, "Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit." (Luke 23:46)

We must do likewise in out moments of struggle.  We must push forward in faith and put ourselves in the hands of God.  In so doing we will find our own prize of expanded hearts.

"One of the great consolation of the Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so.  His solitary journey brought great company for our little version of that path- the merciful care of our Father in Heaven, the unfailing companionship of this Beloved son, the consulate gift of the Holy Ghost, angels in heaven, family members on both sides of the veil, prophets, and apostles, teachers, leaders, friends. All of these and more have been given as companions for our mortal journey because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and His gospel.  Trumpeted from the summit of Calvary is the trust that we will never be left alone nor unaided, even if sometimes we may feel that we are.  Truly the Redeemer of us all said:"I will not leave you comfortless: [My Father and] I will come to you [and abide with you]." (John 14:18,23) - Jeffery R Holland

I will choose to let my loneliness school my desires.  I will choose to let it draw me closer to Him.  What will you let life's difficult experiences do for you?

To Save My Life

This morning I was making cookies and listening to a new book on tape. A story from that book spoke to me in such a deep and profound way. The author tells of a young pioneer girl being rescued from a stranded handcart company trying to go west far too late in the season. They had suffered immensely, starvation, exposure, and even death. The rescuers brought food and clothing, but they did not have the wagons to carry all of the surviving handcart members. Anyone who was able was required to walk next to the wagons carrying the sick. Several of the children decided to run in an attempt to get invited to ride in a wagon. One by one the children dropped out, and one girl remained determined in her course. The wagon driver asked her if she wanted a ride. When she replied yes, he took her hand, but instead swinging her up into the wagon, he signaled for the horses to speed up. A little confused, she ran for what she described as several miles, and in the running she thought for sure that this driver was the meanest person that she had ever met. Then just as her strength was about to give out, he scooped her up in a blanket, all warm from her exertion, and settled her into the base of the wagon. Later she realized that this driver had saved her from freezing; he had saved her life.

The story brought tears to my eyes as I saw myself as that little girl, running with all the strength I could muster, feeling for certain that any moment my legs were going to give out, wondering why He doesn't just pick me up and put me in the wagon. Then just as clearly as I saw that picture in my mind I heard words to accompany it, "I'm making you run to save your life."

Rarely has such a simple phrase so deeply impressed my heart, and I began to sob right there in my kitchen with my hands covered in cookie dough. Finally an answer, when I have been struggling, feeling so very inadequate and tired. A purpose to my running.

Why is it when we have already been knocked down that sometimes additional adversity comes? Why is it even when we are determined to do good and right, that we feel that we are being made to run to the point of exhaustion while others may ride in the wagon?

We hear the phrase, "Life isn't fair," and that supposed to make us feel better about injustices and inequality. But maybe "fair" isn't the point. Maybe God sees in us something He can cultivate, something that's worth extra expenditure of energy to achieve, and so He pushes us. He pushes us even though we want to give up, even though we may think He is mean. He pushes us right to our breaking point, so that we can see what we are made of, so that He can bring out something that may very well save our life in a spiritual sense.

That was my answer today, and it gave me some hope. It gave me a reason to refocus my running, to not think about giving up. Someday, He may scoop me up and let me ride for time in the wagon, but there will be additional hardships ahead. The journey is far from over. He knows that I'm not done running. So each of these experiences He gives me strengthens me, keeping me warm and ready for the next run.

Today I see a little bit more purpose in my suffering. If I can just keep this picture and feeling in my heart, the running will be so much easier. So I share this with you today, in hopes that it will create in you, you're own little vision, your own hope, your own feeling of purpose to the adversity you are facing. Don't drop out! Don't stop running, the running is what will save your life.

Questions To Ponder:

How is persevering through your trials making you a better person?


Story from Hafen, Bruce C. "A Contrite Spirit."

Prayer and Meditation: Tools for Healing

So instead of writing as of late, I have been working with 2 amazing ladies on a new video series for our website, HowDoIGoOn.org.  This site is a free service composed of blogs from more than a dozen amazing and inspiring widows and widowers.  We talk about grief, loss, healing and moving forward, and we identify the important tools that are getting us through tragedy.  If you haven't checked it out yet, please do and share it with anyone you know who may benefit from this resource.

How have Prayer & Meditation aided your healing?

This is the second video in our series "Talking about Grief and Loss." In it we will discuss how the tools of prayer and mediation can help you recenter and regain focus when you feel troubled and anxious. We share insights on how to have more powerful prayers and how our concept of prayer has changed throughout this journey. 

I invite you to subscribe to our youtube channel, and learn more about this topic by visiting the Prayer & Meditation and Praying & Meditating Badge pages of our website.

We would love your feedback and please share our site and videos with anyone you know who is grieving.

Still in the Storm

For some reason I have recently had several challenges that have caused me to struggle with feelings of anxiety. In my previous post I shared how I overcame those feelings by Trusting God.

Trusting God was the subject of our most recent video conversation for the website. In the video, Ashlee shared a beautiful visualization that she uses to cope with triggers. She told how she removes herself from the situation and goes into her closet to pray when feelings of anxiety and panic start to surface. As she prays, she consciously remembers moments from her past when she has felt turmoil and then felt comforted. She visualizes the Savior coming to her in those moments and embracing her, protecting her, and aiding her. Then she brings her mind forward to her present concerns and sees those same loving arms surrounding her.

Visualization can be a powerful tool to help you recenter your emotions and re-connect back with the spirit. When we feel anxiety, stress, and turmoil we are disconnected from the help that God can give us. Only as we remember Him and put our trust and faith in Him can He bring us back to a place of peace.

I was praying the other night for help to feel peace about a situation that was completely out of my control but that was causing me to feel a lot of turmoil. As I prayed I saw myself standing in the middle of a blizzard. The snow and the wind was howling all around me. The snow was pelting my face and I was desperate to find shelter and warmth. I searched to no avail. The storm was so blinding that nothing could be seen through the snow. Then I dropped to my knees and began to pray. I watched as the snow began to pull away from me and circle around me, leaving a calm place in the center where I was kneeling. The storm was swirling violently around me, yet as I knelt in the eye of that storm, I felt no wind, no cold, no pelting snow. It was peaceful and calm.

In that moment I had a picture in my mind that I could return to. 

I could see how in the midst of the storm I could be calm;

 I could still feel peace.

When those feelings have begun to return, I remember that picture. I remember the stillness. After listening to Ashlee, I have added a new element to that picture. Now I think of someone wrapping His arms around me. Now I see who is calming the storm.

It would be nice if life from here on out would be void of storms. It would be nice to enjoy sunny tropical days, but somehow I do not feel that is the purpose of this existence. The test and the challenge is to learn how to feel peace even when the world is falling apart around us.

So I challenge you to find that picture, the one that can help you recenter, and when you feel the storm encroaching, go to that place of peace. Trust in the Prince of Peace. Then when you find it and you feel it, move forward in faith to do good things despite the chaos that is around you.

Questions to ponder:

1. How can visualization help you recenter?
2. When circumstances are beyond your control what can you focus on to help you avoid becoming paralyzed by the storm?

Finally Taking that Step Forward

After months of anxiety and worry, I finally took a step forward and did something that I was petrified to do. Yesterday we made the first video in a series called "Talking about Grief and Loss" for our website! For a long time now, I have known that we needed to do these, but I was absolutely petrified. I didn't know the first thing about making videos, how we would fund them, what we would say, and how I could organize the whole thing from Missouri.

The logistics involved and personally feeling self-conscious was causing me real panic. Even after following promptings to blog and create this website I was struggling following this new and scary idea. I had hit a wall. My confidence was wavering and so I just kept dragging my feet.

Ignoring this prompting, I kept praying, "What am I supposed to do next?" I felt stuck and directionless with no new ideas were coming in, and I was quickly loosing my purpose. I rationalize that it was just the stress and emotions surrounding the holidays and my son's wedding, but that all ended and I found myself still staring at the wall.

I finally realized I wasn't going to get anything new until I followed through on the direction I had already received. Somehow I had hoped that I could bypass that prompting and get something else to do instead.

No luck.

Fortunately for me, God is patient and kind and He gave me little experiences to confirm my original feelings and to get me going. Miraculously, I met a widow who showed me how to use Google hangouts on Air to do exactly what we wanted to do without any cost.

One problem was solved...

Now I just needed to move past my fear. Fortunately my two friends, were feeling the same prompting and they nudged me a long.

Again and again I learn...

The first step in the dark is always the hardest one.

It's the one that demonstrates trust in God and faith in the direction He has given us. I was waiting for something to just fall in my lap or for an easier way, but that's not how faith works. It's not how it grows.

And so we decided to try...

On our first attempt we couldn't get Ashlee's audio to work. I was frustrated and I felt that we were being thwarted. After several hours we gave up on recording and decided to just do a dry run on the phone. As we talked about our topic, I felt reassured. I could see that this was going to work. We ended the session with each of us having assignments to pray for help to figure out our technical difficulties.

On our second attempt the previous problems were solved, but we faced some new issues. We didn't give up, and we even said a prayer for help during our conference. Ideas came, and we got it to work. Yes!

As I re-watched the videos, I noted areas where we could improve, but I felt and saw a power to really help people with what we were doing. All of my impressions were confirmed… This is really what we needed to do, and in the end God really helped it to come together.

Ironically our topic for the first video was Trusting God. This whole effort had been a reminder to me of my need to constantly trust Him.

Why did I doubt? Why did I worry about my own inadequacies? Why did I not trust that He would make up the difference? Why did I not had faith that he would magnify and multiply my efforts and make my offering enough?

I could see how this experience and many others over the last three years have repeatedly taught me the lesson to simply Trust Him and move forward.

If we really want to learn to trust God, we have to choose to take that leap.

Action creates an experience and from past experiences we gain the confidence to take future leaps. In time, we become more comfortable taking larger steps in the dark.

So, if you are facing tasks that seem overwhelming, I hope you can use my experience or experiences from your past to give you the courage to take that first scary step. Trust that He is there to make up the difference. As you move forward, I promise, He will have your back.

Questions to Ponder:

1. What experiences in your past have taught you to trust God?
2. How can you use past experiences to help you have courage to do difficult things?

Check out the first video in our series: 

"How Does Trusting God Help You Better Deal with Grief?"

Visit our website through the links above and subscribe to our youtube channel if you would like to see more.

On Resolutions and Finding the Strength to Keep Them

Reading tonight and thinking about New Years resolutions. ( I posted a few of mine above.) We have good intentions, but then we grow weary and drop off.  How do we keep up the momentum? How do we make permanent changes and prevent relapses? This quote answered my question.

 "We can change our behavior. Our very desires can change. How? There's only one way. True change-permanent change-can come only through the healing, cleansing and enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. He loves you! He allows you to access his power as you keep his commandments eagerly, earnestly, and exactly. It is that simple and certain."

It's all about accessing the power of Christ in our lives... living as He lived, choosing to follow Him so that we can be close to Him, share His light, be called one of His friends. Christ can enable you through any difficult obstacle.  Yes, you still may have momentary relapses. After all, even Peter got distracted by the waves and took His eyes off of Christ for a moment and then began to sink. But the master was still there, and when Peter realized his mistake and turned back to the Lord and called out.  Christ was there to raise Him up.

So as you work on new goals for the year, remember where to turn and who to keep your eyes on. Pray for help and strength everyday and thank him for that help as well. You may not feel like you can do it on your own, but it will surprise you what the two of you can do!

He Sees What I Don’t See

One of the biggest struggles that I have is not complaining, whining, and resisting my new life situation. It's hard because this isn't something that I can just forget about; it's in my face everyday. When I roll over in the morning, when I walk by the family photos in our home, when a child calls with a problem that dad would handle better, or when I'm handed the microphone to say something "light" at my son's wedding reception.  It hits me in surprising moments too, catching me unaware.  It's only natural to sigh... "If Scott were here, then..." But it's hard to leave it at that.

I used to get angry and frustrated a lot.  I used to cry and rant about what a stupid plan this was for my life, but honestly that got me nowwhere... It only caused me to spiral downward into an all-out-fit of despair and hopelessness.  For the most part, I have given that tactic up. (For the most part) It's way to emotionally draining and totally unproductive, but I still resist on a lesser level.  

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't here, that I didn't have to still do this alone.  It's hard not to look at other families and feel pangs of jealousy.  But those thoughts also take me nowhere but down.  The kicker is that I know that every time I allow myself to complain about my life, I am doing the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot.  

It lessens my faith.

It cripples my ability to act.

It pulls me from the spirit.

It destroys hope and replaces it with despair.

It is so easy to loose sight of what this trial can teach me and to focus on the pain involved in that lesson. I can choose to let grief cloud my vision.  I can let discouragement blind me to my own potential.  I can focus on my weakness and become paralyzed... or I can ask to see what God sees in me.

I believe that each one of us has a plan to fulfill in this life. I believe that God allows us to go through difficulties so we can prove ourselves... prove who we are and what we are capable of, not just to God, but to ourselves.  Those challenges can strengthen us... They can strengthen our confidence in the power He can give us to overcome these challenges.

Overcoming is hard work... It's tiring and sometimes I just feel like I want to quit. Sometimes I don't feel like I am strong enough, but when I think of the end game... When I go back to my understanding of the purpose of the plan, then I fall to my knees and desperately plead for extra help to see more clearly and to have the strength I need to keep pressing forward. 

It's there... I have felt it. Somedays I loose it... But on my knees I find it again. He is there to strengthen and help us through all of the difficulties, and He knows that is the best way for us to really develop a relationship with Him... and He knows that relationship is critical if we are to achieve our potential.

When I loose sight, I go back to the basics.  I go back to prayer and scripture study.  I go back to trusting God.  

No, I don't have a clear vision of the future.  None of us do.  That is also part of the plan and part of growing our faith, but I can have confidence that He sees it.  For now that can be enough.  I can choose to trust and put my faith in Him.  I can choose to improve that relationship by trying to be like Him.  As I do that, I feel that power reenter and the previous struggles become easier to bear.

Questions to Ponder:

1. What potential does God see in you?
2. What can your struggles teach you?

Battling the Dark

Some days I really work hard to fight the darkness.  The other morning was one of those days. 5:15 AM the alarm sounded. My early morning bible study class started in a hour, yet this dark forbidding blanket enveloped me.  I uttered a quick prayer as I rolled out of bed and my feet hit the cold tile bathroom floor.  "Please, Heavenly Father, I have to feel the spirit to teach... please... help the darkness to go away."  As I brushed my teeth and starred blankly into the mirror, I kept rehearsing that prayer in my mind. At that moment all I felt like doing was crying, but determined not to let the darkness control me, I kept moving forward.

After breakfast, morning prayers and scriptures with my two teens, I was in the car by 6:00.  "Please, help me today,”  I repeated as I drove down the dark unlit country road, still feeling that oppressive feeling. 

Is there something I have done to bring this darkness on?  

Why do I need to suffer through this again?  

These were the questions swirling through my mind during the drive. "Please, help me to feel the spirit.  Help me to teach today." I hustled into the church building to set up my class.  With a smile on my face, I greeted my first student.  The darkness miraculously left and I was able to teach. However, later at the store, I felt the darkness settle back in.  I sighed and just kept moving.

One of the regular cashiers, who knew about my husband’s death, noticed my expression and asked me how I was doing. I just couldn't help it, right there in the store, I broke down and cried.  The words just spilled out of my mouth, toppling over one another,  "This is just a really hard time of year for me..."

After 10 minutes of empathizing and a hug, I headed to my car. During the drive home, I cried, not just tears but gasping sobs.  Try as I might, I couldn't make myself stop.  The weight of the darkness was so oppressive that I literally wanted to crumble to the floor.

As I sobbed, I worked to put the groceries away and get ready for my morning service project.  The more I sobbed the more angry I got... not at God, or the people responsible for the accident, but at the darkness.  I was sick and tired of having this overwhelming, oppressive feeling come over me.  I was tired of being hounded and thwarted when I was trying to focus my life on doing good.

So I let the darkness have it! Right there in my house I screamed out to this dark unseen force that we bent on ruining my day.

"I don't care what you do... how hard you try... you are not going to win!  I am not listening to you!  In fact… I'm going to do more good today than you can imagine! You picked the wrong girl to mess with!”

I stood again in front of the mirror starring at a very different face.  The eyes were not darkened with sadness... they were are on fire with determination.

I cheerfully pitched in at the service project. Afterwards I met up with a former student. As I listened to him tell me about his recent struggles with feeling the darkness, I knew exactly what to say.  The words just flowed and my experience fit perfectly. The spirit was there.  We both felt it.  A smile crept on my face as I watched him leave. Not only was the darkness gone, but I felt incredible, amazing light!

It was all so clear to me now. I knew why the darkness had attacked me and tried to thwart the good I would do today, and I had won.

We don't like to think about the unseen forces of evil in this world, but they are real. They exist, and we have to face them. The darkness has power but not more than what we give it. It only wins when we give up and choose not to actively fight against it. 

There are time when we are lifted and protected, when we are cradled by the light, but there are also times when God in his wisdom pulls back and lets us feel the dark. Those times are temporary, and if we keep asking for help and moving forward, the light always returns and banishes the dark.  

God is there to help us fight our battles.  He will come, but he will also let us learn how to fight.  He gives us light and strength so that we can learn to be powerfully on His side.

Today was a temporary win.  The darkness will return, but each time I overcome it, I get stronger for the next encounter. God lets me grow in confidence and faith and bit by bit into the person He wants me to become.

Questions to Ponder:

1. How will you respond when you feel the dark?

2. What are the steps to overcome and feel the light again?

Avoiding The Trap

Sometimes we let Satan get the better of us. We listen to that wrong voice in our head and he wreaks all kinds of havoc.  He particularly loves to get issues started in families, and I played right into his hand.

This summer when my oldest son returned home from his mission, my family gathered together for a luncheon at my house after he spoke in church.  I was stressed about getting the food on the table because Brett, my husband's brother, had a long drive ahead with two little girls, and I had promised that we would be quick because I really wanted him to come over and eat with us.  Just as I was pulling food out of the oven, My dad called everyone into the living room.  They had moved my furniture and he was intent on having a family picture.  I listened to the little voice in my head, "Why is he doing that?  Brett needs to leave and you promised you would be quick. This is your house?  Why is he taking over?  He didn't even ask you. You don't want a family picture without Scott... "

Everything that had been joyful suddenly got squashed by those thoughts. I was frustrated and grumbled my objection to my mother.  She brushed off my concerns and told me to just go along with it. More voices, "Your mom doesn't even care how you feel.  No one understands."

With irritation showing I cooperated, apologizing profusely to my brother-in-law.  I was embarrassed. "Your dad wouldn't have done that if Scott were here."  But I took a deep breath, put food on the table and enjoyed the rest of the day.  My son was home after all, and it had been a long two years with him far, far away in Chile.  I was not going to let my dad or anyone else ruin my day... but the story was far from over.  The stage had simply been set for a much bigger drama to play out.  A drama that I didn't even see coming.

A few weeks later I got an text from my dad about the family reunion.  He wanted to do another family picture.  Apparently the one at my house was burry and he wanted to hire a professional photographer.  "NOOOOOO!  After everything that had just happened he wants to do another one! You don't want another family picture! Cooper won't be there (my other son, still in Ecuador on his mission). Scott won't be there.  You just have a broken family.  You don't want a picture to remind you that you are broken.  He will replace the old picture with Scott.  You don't want him to replace that picture. The old picture helps everyone remember.  Everyone is forgetting.  Everyone is moving on.  No one understands."  I didn't respond to the email, but the thoughts began to brew.  They became an underlying current in my days, a sliver under the skin that festered and when bumped caused more pain and hurt.

Talk started about creating a family t-shirt for the reunion.  Honestly, I didn't want to spend money on another t-shirt I wouldn't wear, I wasn't even excited about the reunion anymore.  I kept dreading the picture.  "You are only together for two days and you will spend at least half of a day getting ready for a picture.  You don't even want to be in the picture.  Maybe you will just break down cry and have to run away.  You will definitely break down crying.  Everyone will be mad that you are ruining the picture.  No on understands..." Then someone posted an idea for the t-shirt.  It had the family picture, the one taken against my will at my house, right in the middle.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.  All of those feelings came flooding back on top of the new ones being systematically and methodically implanted in my brain. "No one understands you.  You need to write your parents and tell them that you don't want to be in the picture."  I wrote an email hoping that the vent would stop my hurting.

My daughter Rachel walked into the room and I vented to her too.

"Can you believe it.  They want us to do a picture at the family reunion?  We are only going to be there two days.  Everyone will waste all of their time getting ready and we won't even spend time together.  Cooper won't be in the picture, Dad won't be in the picture, and they want us to use the family picture we just took without dad in it!"

That was just the fuel my daughter needed to jump on board.  She picked up my phone and typed a response.  I didn't stop her.  Everything completely fell apart from there.  It was as if Satan had minions posed ready to feed negative thoughts to every person involved. Unkind things were said, people were offended and I felt worse and less understood than I had before. I tried to explain that Rachel's comments were fueled by our family's desire not to have a picture without Scott. I told them that I felt the same, but that only made things worse. I finally opted out of the text.  I was so hurt by the comments.  "See, no one understands you.  Not even your family understands."

I got a reply email from my parents.  They said they didn't even know what to say.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear.  I just wanted someone to say, "I'm sorry.  We had no idea that this would be so hard for you.  What can we do to help you?  Do you need to not do the picture?  We can wait until Cooper is home next year.  Maybe you will be ready then.  We can wait for you to be ready.  No one is going to push you to do something you aren't ready to do."  No one had said that.  I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning I woke to the same cloud.  I had to decide what to do now.  What a mess!  Was I going to keep fighting and stick to my guns? My mom sent me an email.  I scanned through it and only saw judgement.  I clicked it shut.  "You should just not go to the reunion.  They don't understand you anyway.  They need to apologize to you.  You are the one who lost a husband.  That definitely trumps a picture."  Then I took that path to completion in my mind... It was very, very dark. "That's only going to make things worse," I thought.  "How would I ever get back?  I don't like my family being mad at me.  I don't want that."

For the first time I exerted control over my thoughts.  I thought about it and I chose to ignore the voice to estrange myself.  I chose the light. "How do I fix this?" I reopened the email from my mom and read it with new eyes.  My parents weren't happy about me not being in the picture, but they respected my choice not to be in it.  

I had to choose.... taking the picture was going to be hard.  I had lots of feelings of anxiety and fear about how I would feel that day. But if I didn't take it, then next time would also be hard.  What was I going to do when one of my kids got married? "If you take the picture it will help heal things with your family... I will help you do it."  This voice was different than the first.  It wasn't pushing me to escalate things.  It wasn't rioting my emotions... it was calming them.  There was a feeling of peace in the idea that hadn't been present in any of the ideas before.  

I knew what I needed to do.  Now I just had to do it.  Apologies were made and we had an awesome time at the reunion.  Taking the picture wasn't even as close to as difficult as I had imagined.  Everything had been blown out of proportion in my mind.  I really do have a great and supportive family.  No wonder Satan wants to thwart that!  He wants me to feel isolated and he wants to create contention.

As I have reflected on this experience, I have had eyes to see more than I did at first.  I recognized the three voices in my head that day.  One was from Satan, one was my own and one was the Spirit.

No matter what happens to us, no matter what trials come into our lives we are ultimately more than our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We are the SELECTORS of our feelings and emotions. That means that as we control and direct those thoughts and feelings we determine our destiny.  We become a product of what we choose to dwell on and what we choose to do with the external circumstances of our life.

Understanding that we have the power to choose our thoughts begins to give us the strength to resist the bad ones.  It also helps us to start to discern the evil ploys that Satan uses to try to get us to be paralyzed or to act in ways that will limit our happiness. 

Satan is subtle.  He is sneaky and he wants us to instinctively act on his suggestions. That is exactly what I did.  He used my grief to goad me into being offended.  He lied and told me that no one cared about me.  He isolated me and talked me into seeking outward validation instead of going to the true source for peace.  Those thoughts made me angry and pulled me from the Spirit.  He talked me into acting when my emotions were strong and raw and unfiltered.  

When Satan strikes, his attacks come on suddenly. They are stinging, mind-gripping unsettling thoughts. I have learned that Satan can use grief to pull me into selfish, inward thoughts. I did the wrong thing that day and Satan scored.  What I should have done was to take those bad feelings to the Lord.  Instead of turning to my family for reassurance and emotional help, if I would have prayed for help to deal with those feelings... if I would have asked for His grace to fill me, then I would have avoided all of the bad feelings and hurt that happened that day.  Relationships wouldn't have been injured and needed to be repaired. 

When I finally chose to go to the family reunion with the intent to strengthen family relationships then I  received more help to get through it.  I wasn't perfect at it, but I was enabled as I tried to act. If we go to the Lord in prayer and specifically ask for grace, and then find a way to positively act and give grace, His grace can begin to flow through us.  As the scriptures describe, we can receive, "grace for grace." We can get help to overcome those bad feelings.

I recently learned this strategy at a widows conference and I can't wait to purposefully test it out.  I have inadvertently done this before, and it worked really well, but I think if I do it consciously it can be so much more powerful. 

If we can learn to recognize Satan's ploys and then choose to go the opposite way 200%, we can teach those evil voices that their ploys won't work on us.  We can make their efforts backfire and that will limit their recurrence.

Just think about it for a minute... If Satan knows that his efforts will unleash a powerful force for good.  He may just choose to let the sleeping dog lie.  We can choose to just ignore the voice, but if we identify it and actively choose to fight him, I believe our result can be powerful.  I believe that he will stop his attacks sooner if they cause a response that thwarts his plan.

Satan knows my triggers.  He knows how to get me going, but if he repeatedly doesn't get a response, he backs off.  I know this from personal experience.  The beginning of a diet is always the hardest.  The beginning of an exercise program is filled with the desire to just skip today, but after repeated action, those voices begin to diminish and just fade away.  When they pop back in, it doesn't take near the effort to dismiss them.

The key then become the ability to recognize and discern that voice that pulls you inward.  Never act on that voice, and when it comes, commit to do an about face and run the other way.

I know God gives us power to overcome.  I feel it daily in my life.  It's amazing, it's enabling and it's worth every effort to get. It always flows when I turn outside of myself and try to do good.

I love this poem by Henry Van Dyke 

I hold it true that thoughts are things:

They're endowed with bodies, breath and wings;

And that we send them forth to fill 

The world with good results or ill.

That which we call our secret thought

Speeds forth to earth's remotest spot,

Leaving its blessings or its woes

Like tracks behind it as it goes.

We build our future, thought by thought

For good or ill, yet know it not.

Yet, so the universe was wrought.

Thought is another name for fate;

Choose, then, thy destiny and wait,

For love brings love and hate brings hate.

May we all sow seeds of love... even in our loss and grief, and may God fill you with His grace.

Check out this post in my new website: HowDoIGoOn.org