To Save My Life

This morning I was making cookies and listening to a new book on tape. A story from that book spoke to me in such a deep and profound way. The author tells of a young pioneer girl being rescued from a stranded handcart company trying to go west far too late in the season. They had suffered immensely, starvation, exposure, and even death. The rescuers brought food and clothing, but they did not have the wagons to carry all of the surviving handcart members. Anyone who was able was required to walk next to the wagons carrying the sick. Several of the children decided to run in an attempt to get invited to ride in a wagon. One by one the children dropped out, and one girl remained determined in her course. The wagon driver asked her if she wanted a ride. When she replied yes, he took her hand, but instead swinging her up into the wagon, he signaled for the horses to speed up. A little confused, she ran for what she described as several miles, and in the running she thought for sure that this driver was the meanest person that she had ever met. Then just as her strength was about to give out, he scooped her up in a blanket, all warm from her exertion, and settled her into the base of the wagon. Later she realized that this driver had saved her from freezing; he had saved her life.

The story brought tears to my eyes as I saw myself as that little girl, running with all the strength I could muster, feeling for certain that any moment my legs were going to give out, wondering why He doesn't just pick me up and put me in the wagon. Then just as clearly as I saw that picture in my mind I heard words to accompany it, "I'm making you run to save your life."

Rarely has such a simple phrase so deeply impressed my heart, and I began to sob right there in my kitchen with my hands covered in cookie dough. Finally an answer, when I have been struggling, feeling so very inadequate and tired. A purpose to my running.

Why is it when we have already been knocked down that sometimes additional adversity comes? Why is it even when we are determined to do good and right, that we feel that we are being made to run to the point of exhaustion while others may ride in the wagon?

We hear the phrase, "Life isn't fair," and that supposed to make us feel better about injustices and inequality. But maybe "fair" isn't the point. Maybe God sees in us something He can cultivate, something that's worth extra expenditure of energy to achieve, and so He pushes us. He pushes us even though we want to give up, even though we may think He is mean. He pushes us right to our breaking point, so that we can see what we are made of, so that He can bring out something that may very well save our life in a spiritual sense.

That was my answer today, and it gave me some hope. It gave me a reason to refocus my running, to not think about giving up. Someday, He may scoop me up and let me ride for time in the wagon, but there will be additional hardships ahead. The journey is far from over. He knows that I'm not done running. So each of these experiences He gives me strengthens me, keeping me warm and ready for the next run.

Today I see a little bit more purpose in my suffering. If I can just keep this picture and feeling in my heart, the running will be so much easier. So I share this with you today, in hopes that it will create in you, you're own little vision, your own hope, your own feeling of purpose to the adversity you are facing. Don't drop out! Don't stop running, the running is what will save your life.

Questions To Ponder:

How is persevering through your trials making you a better person?


Story from Hafen, Bruce C. "A Contrite Spirit."

Prayer and Meditation: Tools for Healing

So instead of writing as of late, I have been working with 2 amazing ladies on a new video series for our website, HowDoIGoOn.org.  This site is a free service composed of blogs from more than a dozen amazing and inspiring widows and widowers.  We talk about grief, loss, healing and moving forward, and we identify the important tools that are getting us through tragedy.  If you haven't checked it out yet, please do and share it with anyone you know who may benefit from this resource.

How have Prayer & Meditation aided your healing?

This is the second video in our series "Talking about Grief and Loss." In it we will discuss how the tools of prayer and mediation can help you recenter and regain focus when you feel troubled and anxious. We share insights on how to have more powerful prayers and how our concept of prayer has changed throughout this journey. 

I invite you to subscribe to our youtube channel, and learn more about this topic by visiting the Prayer & Meditation and Praying & Meditating Badge pages of our website.

We would love your feedback and please share our site and videos with anyone you know who is grieving.

Still in the Storm

For some reason I have recently had several challenges that have caused me to struggle with feelings of anxiety. In my previous post I shared how I overcame those feelings by Trusting God.

Trusting God was the subject of our most recent video conversation for the website. In the video, Ashlee shared a beautiful visualization that she uses to cope with triggers. She told how she removes herself from the situation and goes into her closet to pray when feelings of anxiety and panic start to surface. As she prays, she consciously remembers moments from her past when she has felt turmoil and then felt comforted. She visualizes the Savior coming to her in those moments and embracing her, protecting her, and aiding her. Then she brings her mind forward to her present concerns and sees those same loving arms surrounding her.

Visualization can be a powerful tool to help you recenter your emotions and re-connect back with the spirit. When we feel anxiety, stress, and turmoil we are disconnected from the help that God can give us. Only as we remember Him and put our trust and faith in Him can He bring us back to a place of peace.

I was praying the other night for help to feel peace about a situation that was completely out of my control but that was causing me to feel a lot of turmoil. As I prayed I saw myself standing in the middle of a blizzard. The snow and the wind was howling all around me. The snow was pelting my face and I was desperate to find shelter and warmth. I searched to no avail. The storm was so blinding that nothing could be seen through the snow. Then I dropped to my knees and began to pray. I watched as the snow began to pull away from me and circle around me, leaving a calm place in the center where I was kneeling. The storm was swirling violently around me, yet as I knelt in the eye of that storm, I felt no wind, no cold, no pelting snow. It was peaceful and calm.

In that moment I had a picture in my mind that I could return to. 

I could see how in the midst of the storm I could be calm;

 I could still feel peace.

When those feelings have begun to return, I remember that picture. I remember the stillness. After listening to Ashlee, I have added a new element to that picture. Now I think of someone wrapping His arms around me. Now I see who is calming the storm.

It would be nice if life from here on out would be void of storms. It would be nice to enjoy sunny tropical days, but somehow I do not feel that is the purpose of this existence. The test and the challenge is to learn how to feel peace even when the world is falling apart around us.

So I challenge you to find that picture, the one that can help you recenter, and when you feel the storm encroaching, go to that place of peace. Trust in the Prince of Peace. Then when you find it and you feel it, move forward in faith to do good things despite the chaos that is around you.

Questions to ponder:

1. How can visualization help you recenter?
2. When circumstances are beyond your control what can you focus on to help you avoid becoming paralyzed by the storm?

Finally Taking that Step Forward

After months of anxiety and worry, I finally took a step forward and did something that I was petrified to do. Yesterday we made the first video in a series called "Talking about Grief and Loss" for our website! For a long time now, I have known that we needed to do these, but I was absolutely petrified. I didn't know the first thing about making videos, how we would fund them, what we would say, and how I could organize the whole thing from Missouri.

The logistics involved and personally feeling self-conscious was causing me real panic. Even after following promptings to blog and create this website I was struggling following this new and scary idea. I had hit a wall. My confidence was wavering and so I just kept dragging my feet.

Ignoring this prompting, I kept praying, "What am I supposed to do next?" I felt stuck and directionless with no new ideas were coming in, and I was quickly loosing my purpose. I rationalize that it was just the stress and emotions surrounding the holidays and my son's wedding, but that all ended and I found myself still staring at the wall.

I finally realized I wasn't going to get anything new until I followed through on the direction I had already received. Somehow I had hoped that I could bypass that prompting and get something else to do instead.

No luck.

Fortunately for me, God is patient and kind and He gave me little experiences to confirm my original feelings and to get me going. Miraculously, I met a widow who showed me how to use Google hangouts on Air to do exactly what we wanted to do without any cost.

One problem was solved...

Now I just needed to move past my fear. Fortunately my two friends, were feeling the same prompting and they nudged me a long.

Again and again I learn...

The first step in the dark is always the hardest one.

It's the one that demonstrates trust in God and faith in the direction He has given us. I was waiting for something to just fall in my lap or for an easier way, but that's not how faith works. It's not how it grows.

And so we decided to try...

On our first attempt we couldn't get Ashlee's audio to work. I was frustrated and I felt that we were being thwarted. After several hours we gave up on recording and decided to just do a dry run on the phone. As we talked about our topic, I felt reassured. I could see that this was going to work. We ended the session with each of us having assignments to pray for help to figure out our technical difficulties.

On our second attempt the previous problems were solved, but we faced some new issues. We didn't give up, and we even said a prayer for help during our conference. Ideas came, and we got it to work. Yes!

As I re-watched the videos, I noted areas where we could improve, but I felt and saw a power to really help people with what we were doing. All of my impressions were confirmed… This is really what we needed to do, and in the end God really helped it to come together.

Ironically our topic for the first video was Trusting God. This whole effort had been a reminder to me of my need to constantly trust Him.

Why did I doubt? Why did I worry about my own inadequacies? Why did I not trust that He would make up the difference? Why did I not had faith that he would magnify and multiply my efforts and make my offering enough?

I could see how this experience and many others over the last three years have repeatedly taught me the lesson to simply Trust Him and move forward.

If we really want to learn to trust God, we have to choose to take that leap.

Action creates an experience and from past experiences we gain the confidence to take future leaps. In time, we become more comfortable taking larger steps in the dark.

So, if you are facing tasks that seem overwhelming, I hope you can use my experience or experiences from your past to give you the courage to take that first scary step. Trust that He is there to make up the difference. As you move forward, I promise, He will have your back.

Questions to Ponder:

1. What experiences in your past have taught you to trust God?
2. How can you use past experiences to help you have courage to do difficult things?

Check out the first video in our series: 

"How Does Trusting God Help You Better Deal with Grief?"

Visit our website through the links above and subscribe to our youtube channel if you would like to see more.

On Resolutions and Finding the Strength to Keep Them

Reading tonight and thinking about New Years resolutions. ( I posted a few of mine above.) We have good intentions, but then we grow weary and drop off.  How do we keep up the momentum? How do we make permanent changes and prevent relapses? This quote answered my question.

 "We can change our behavior. Our very desires can change. How? There's only one way. True change-permanent change-can come only through the healing, cleansing and enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. He loves you! He allows you to access his power as you keep his commandments eagerly, earnestly, and exactly. It is that simple and certain."

It's all about accessing the power of Christ in our lives... living as He lived, choosing to follow Him so that we can be close to Him, share His light, be called one of His friends. Christ can enable you through any difficult obstacle.  Yes, you still may have momentary relapses. After all, even Peter got distracted by the waves and took His eyes off of Christ for a moment and then began to sink. But the master was still there, and when Peter realized his mistake and turned back to the Lord and called out.  Christ was there to raise Him up.

So as you work on new goals for the year, remember where to turn and who to keep your eyes on. Pray for help and strength everyday and thank him for that help as well. You may not feel like you can do it on your own, but it will surprise you what the two of you can do!

He Sees What I Don’t See

One of the biggest struggles that I have is not complaining, whining, and resisting my new life situation. It's hard because this isn't something that I can just forget about; it's in my face everyday. When I roll over in the morning, when I walk by the family photos in our home, when a child calls with a problem that dad would handle better, or when I'm handed the microphone to say something "light" at my son's wedding reception.  It hits me in surprising moments too, catching me unaware.  It's only natural to sigh... "If Scott were here, then..." But it's hard to leave it at that.

I used to get angry and frustrated a lot.  I used to cry and rant about what a stupid plan this was for my life, but honestly that got me nowwhere... It only caused me to spiral downward into an all-out-fit of despair and hopelessness.  For the most part, I have given that tactic up. (For the most part) It's way to emotionally draining and totally unproductive, but I still resist on a lesser level.  

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't here, that I didn't have to still do this alone.  It's hard not to look at other families and feel pangs of jealousy.  But those thoughts also take me nowhere but down.  The kicker is that I know that every time I allow myself to complain about my life, I am doing the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot.  

It lessens my faith.

It cripples my ability to act.

It pulls me from the spirit.

It destroys hope and replaces it with despair.

It is so easy to loose sight of what this trial can teach me and to focus on the pain involved in that lesson. I can choose to let grief cloud my vision.  I can let discouragement blind me to my own potential.  I can focus on my weakness and become paralyzed... or I can ask to see what God sees in me.

I believe that each one of us has a plan to fulfill in this life. I believe that God allows us to go through difficulties so we can prove ourselves... prove who we are and what we are capable of, not just to God, but to ourselves.  Those challenges can strengthen us... They can strengthen our confidence in the power He can give us to overcome these challenges.

Overcoming is hard work... It's tiring and sometimes I just feel like I want to quit. Sometimes I don't feel like I am strong enough, but when I think of the end game... When I go back to my understanding of the purpose of the plan, then I fall to my knees and desperately plead for extra help to see more clearly and to have the strength I need to keep pressing forward. 

It's there... I have felt it. Somedays I loose it... But on my knees I find it again. He is there to strengthen and help us through all of the difficulties, and He knows that is the best way for us to really develop a relationship with Him... and He knows that relationship is critical if we are to achieve our potential.

When I loose sight, I go back to the basics.  I go back to prayer and scripture study.  I go back to trusting God.  

No, I don't have a clear vision of the future.  None of us do.  That is also part of the plan and part of growing our faith, but I can have confidence that He sees it.  For now that can be enough.  I can choose to trust and put my faith in Him.  I can choose to improve that relationship by trying to be like Him.  As I do that, I feel that power reenter and the previous struggles become easier to bear.

Questions to Ponder:

1. What potential does God see in you?
2. What can your struggles teach you?

Battling the Dark

Some days I really work hard to fight the darkness.  The other morning was one of those days. 5:15 AM the alarm sounded. My early morning bible study class started in a hour, yet this dark forbidding blanket enveloped me.  I uttered a quick prayer as I rolled out of bed and my feet hit the cold tile bathroom floor.  "Please, Heavenly Father, I have to feel the spirit to teach... please... help the darkness to go away."  As I brushed my teeth and starred blankly into the mirror, I kept rehearsing that prayer in my mind. At that moment all I felt like doing was crying, but determined not to let the darkness control me, I kept moving forward.

After breakfast, morning prayers and scriptures with my two teens, I was in the car by 6:00.  "Please, help me today,”  I repeated as I drove down the dark unlit country road, still feeling that oppressive feeling. 

Is there something I have done to bring this darkness on?  

Why do I need to suffer through this again?  

These were the questions swirling through my mind during the drive. "Please, help me to feel the spirit.  Help me to teach today." I hustled into the church building to set up my class.  With a smile on my face, I greeted my first student.  The darkness miraculously left and I was able to teach. However, later at the store, I felt the darkness settle back in.  I sighed and just kept moving.

One of the regular cashiers, who knew about my husband’s death, noticed my expression and asked me how I was doing. I just couldn't help it, right there in the store, I broke down and cried.  The words just spilled out of my mouth, toppling over one another,  "This is just a really hard time of year for me..."

After 10 minutes of empathizing and a hug, I headed to my car. During the drive home, I cried, not just tears but gasping sobs.  Try as I might, I couldn't make myself stop.  The weight of the darkness was so oppressive that I literally wanted to crumble to the floor.

As I sobbed, I worked to put the groceries away and get ready for my morning service project.  The more I sobbed the more angry I got... not at God, or the people responsible for the accident, but at the darkness.  I was sick and tired of having this overwhelming, oppressive feeling come over me.  I was tired of being hounded and thwarted when I was trying to focus my life on doing good.

So I let the darkness have it! Right there in my house I screamed out to this dark unseen force that we bent on ruining my day.

"I don't care what you do... how hard you try... you are not going to win!  I am not listening to you!  In fact… I'm going to do more good today than you can imagine! You picked the wrong girl to mess with!”

I stood again in front of the mirror starring at a very different face.  The eyes were not darkened with sadness... they were are on fire with determination.

I cheerfully pitched in at the service project. Afterwards I met up with a former student. As I listened to him tell me about his recent struggles with feeling the darkness, I knew exactly what to say.  The words just flowed and my experience fit perfectly. The spirit was there.  We both felt it.  A smile crept on my face as I watched him leave. Not only was the darkness gone, but I felt incredible, amazing light!

It was all so clear to me now. I knew why the darkness had attacked me and tried to thwart the good I would do today, and I had won.

We don't like to think about the unseen forces of evil in this world, but they are real. They exist, and we have to face them. The darkness has power but not more than what we give it. It only wins when we give up and choose not to actively fight against it. 

There are time when we are lifted and protected, when we are cradled by the light, but there are also times when God in his wisdom pulls back and lets us feel the dark. Those times are temporary, and if we keep asking for help and moving forward, the light always returns and banishes the dark.  

God is there to help us fight our battles.  He will come, but he will also let us learn how to fight.  He gives us light and strength so that we can learn to be powerfully on His side.

Today was a temporary win.  The darkness will return, but each time I overcome it, I get stronger for the next encounter. God lets me grow in confidence and faith and bit by bit into the person He wants me to become.

Questions to Ponder:

1. How will you respond when you feel the dark?

2. What are the steps to overcome and feel the light again?