Struggling through Loneliness: an Exercise in Patiently Waiting on the Lord

Loneliness has been a huge struggle for me the past two years.  I got engaged to my husband right after high school and we got married after my first semester at college.  I have not been single since high school, and that really doesn't count.  So at age forty, for the first time in my life I am learning what it means to be single.  

I don't have any opportunities to date in my small town in Missouri and so I have learned to rely on my kids, the youth I teach, and other women friends for companionship.  I am grateful that I have those people in my life, but I have felt the void of not having a partner to bounce ideas off, to co-parent with me, and to offer me encouragement.  I miss the comfort and the support that comes from being loved and being in a solid relationships where I had little to no insecurities.  I am learning a little bit about the pain that so many people experience... I am learning about loneliness.

How do I embrace that painful experience and learn from it?  

That has been the question I have asked myself when the inevitable waves come that cause  actual physical pain and panic to well up inside of me.  I find myself crying on my knees, asking God to just take it away from me....  The other night was one of those nights again.

I was there, on my knees, for quite a while pouring out my soul, and after I had said all that could be said, I was finally still and I listened...

"Peace be unto thy soul."  

Words of comfort flooded into my mind and I was reminded that I would not have to feel this way forever.  I was reminded that if I endured this well, that it would work for my good and teach me important things that I needed to learn.  

I was reminded to be "Patient in my affliction."  

After a good hour of crying, I felt temporarily held... or cocooned in a blanket of peace and love.  I didn't want to move, I just wanted to stay there and feel peace and not have to deal with tomorrow or dinner or one of the other hundred things on my plate...

but those moments are not for extended lingering.  

They are refueling stations for the active enduring and use of patience that must be expended to reach the intended reward.

Those moments are for remembering.... 

remembering that I need to trust God to work it out.  

Remembering that I need to want what He wants if I want His help to accompany me along this rough road.  Remembering that my existence if more than for just today, its more than the problems I am currently facing or what I think I need and want right now.

I am reminded of how upset I was with God in the beginning that my house would not sell.  I wanted so badly to move, to escape and to get near family that could help me.  It seemed like a good desire and I simply could not understand why God would not grant me my wish, especially after He had taken my husband.  I felt He owed me that.

Now two years later, I look back at all that has transpired and I see that He had a better plan for my children and I.  It isn't all worked out yet, but the pieces that are fitting together are good.  I see that He has helped me deal with some of the hard stuff, I see the people that I have been able to help and who have influenced my children and I, I see the spiritual growth that that would not have happened if I had moved. 

God knew what was better... He knows what is better.

God looks further ahead at the future that I do... He understands that lessons need to be learned now if I am to be happier later.  He understands that foundational pieces need to be put into place before I can start rebuilding my life. 

He encourages me to be patient and to wait on Him while those things are learned and time works her way.

Timing is often everything, and a person who can be patient for the right time can reap the greater blessings.

 "Patience displays confidence that “not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42), that all things will be accomplished in the Lord’s way. We should not make the mistake of viewing patience as being idle, indifferent, apathetic, or nonchalant. Patience does not abdicate responsibility, nor does it simply give us a seat on the sideline of events. Patience brings balance and perspective. Think about it. We need patience most when things seem out of control or out of step with what we had intended. Patience has to be applied immediately and often to wounds that are slow to heal. 

In contrast, impatience is to try to assert our own timetable on life, to assume we know more than God knows. What folly! This impatience with our earthly experience is a signal that we are not sure of God’s omniscience and a rebuke of the view of life as “a time to prepare to meet God." - Elaine Jack, "All This Way for That?"

As I am patiently waiting for the loneliness to end, I can use this time to reach out to others who are lonely.  I can study more and fill my spiritual reserves; I can practice patience with my children.  As I do these good things, seek to know the Lord's will for me, and not try to push my will and timing on Him, He will bless me with comfort and strength to get through this.

As that strength and comfort comes, and when I look back on this someday, I will see more clearly how this needed to be.  I will see how it strengthen and expanded my faith.  I will see how it prepared me for new experiences in the future.

For now, I can place my faith and trust in His plan for my life.  I can remember the feelings of peace and assurance that I have felt on my knees.

  And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord. -Luke 1:45

These are the things I remind myself when the loneliness is crushing... This is where the "Patience of Hope" comes into play.

• How can you choose to look at the difficult circumstances in your life differently to enable you to patiently wait?
• In what ways have difficulties taught you important lessons?

Things I have studied:

Elaine Jack, "All This Way for That?"

Eyring, Henry B, "A Law of Increasing Returns"

Embracing Patience through my Faith and Hope in Christ

1 Thessalonians 1:3  Remembering without ceasing your work of faith, and labour of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father; 

I like the phrase 'patience of hope.' 

I hadn't ever linked my hope and faith in the Lord with patience. As I pondered on that the other day, these are my thoughts on faith, hope, and patience...

For me, having faith and hope in a better outcome just isn't enough to sustain me in the waiting. There are just to many 'what if's' that can paralyze me.  I have to have faith in a higher power that is in control of the plan in order to remain patient through all of the muddling. I have to know that the plan is working for my benefit in the long run.

As I have faith and hope in my Savior, I find patience to endure my trials, to keep pressing forward steadfastly, and do good things. Faith in Him helps me to trust His plan for my life and His timing. I can patiently wait for events to happen like my house selling, our family's healing from grief, finding companionship, or number of other concerns that plague daily life. 

Am I always in this perfect place of faith, hope and patience?

Absolutely not!  

But when I start to loose sight...

• When I start to spiral down with the 'what if's'...
• If I stop myself and make myself remember who I put my faith and hope in.
• (Yes, I actually reread or say these things to myself!)

I think in order to exert faith in Christ we have to know who He is… what his character is like. The more I learn about Him, the more I trust him. The more I know He loves me unconditionally, I know He would not put me in any situation that He did not think was ultimately for my good.

A lot of people stare at me in shock when I tell them that I think my husband's death was part of God' s plan. They say…

With all the evil people in the world, how can God take such a good man? 

His patients needed him and his family needed him? Why would God allow this?

The past two years has taught me patience as I have seeked to better understand this truth. Some answers have come as I have prayed and become more devoted to God, but not all...  I suppose it would spoil the ending of the book of my life and make the living of it rather mundane. 

This is one answer among many that has come…

I am a kinder, more compassionate, more empathetic person as the result of my husband's death, and I needed that. I had become very judgmental and complacent in my perfect little life. I did not realize how many people have sorrow. I did not realize how difficult holidays are for so many. These experiences have given me the ability to reach out and help youth and adults who I never related to before. That has been a joy.  It's good work and it brings me joy. 

I would not choose to give up the understanding that has come to me because of my own pain.

Because of God's love for me and his desire for me to grow, He allows me to choose, make mistakes, and sometimes get myself in bad situations. However, even in my self-imposed sorrow there is always a way out and up if I turn to Him with a desire to change and repent.

Why does He let us struggle and suffer a bit first?

Learning and understanding always come at a price. 

Experience is a far better teacher than the written or spoken word. He knows that, and so He allows us to touch the hot stove and feel how it burns. The memory of the burning is enough to eventually make us want to quit touching hot stoves.  So the suffering acts to change our desires and our character.

I know that God's love for us, for everyone, is consistent and unconditional. A good friend always lifts and makes us better than who we are. If you don't know this I encourage you to pray and ask God how He feels about you individually. Do it for a couple of weeks… Ask, seek, and knock. 

 Matt 7:7  Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

With persistent knocking, answers to prayers come. Reading and studying about the life of Christ helps me too. The Scriptures help us get to know him.

So there's your first challenge...

 Get to know Christ and understand his love for you so you can have faith and hope in him. 

That faith and hope will enable you to be more patient. Good luck and share your experiences back. 

Opening A New Page in 2015

Opening a New Page in 2015

With the new year, I close the calendar on 2014... 

I do so with a sigh of relief. 

I have survived another year without my husband... something that I doubted was even possible in the beginning. As I stare at 2015, blank pages are before me. 

I can do and be whatever I want to this year. 

This year can be a new start and I am feeling the need for that.

Throughout the Christmas season I posted a daily attribute of Christ. Those things have made me reflect deeply on my own character.

Character is behind every success and good action.

If I want to be capable of doing better things this year, then I have to be better first. So I'm focusing on a new attribute every month…things that I felt I needed to work on. I invite you to take on this challenge as well. This link, Creating Christlike Character, will take you to the 17 attributes that I posted in December. Pick your own or follow along with me.

This month I'm focusing on patience

(As a heads up... it just might spill over into February

 because 2 of the 17 attributes were aspects of patience)

• Patience with circumstances and God's will and timing
• Patience in our relationships with others.

This month I will cover mostly the first and leave the relationship aspect for the month of February. You will see a posts about my learning experiences over the last two years, things that I'm studying, questions for reflection, and references to some of the great material that I find.

I could do this completely privately...

but I find that we can strengthen each other through sharing.

(Plus this is my New Year's resolution and if I announce it to the world,

 then I won't Peter out!)

I would love to hear what you're learning so please comment on my blog or on the Facebook link. (If you want it archived put it on the blog:)

Exciting things are going to happen this year… 

I can feel it in the air… 

It's a feeling of hope.

Now, onward to embracing patience...

1 Thessalonians 1:3  Remembering without ceasing your work of faith, and labour of love, and patience of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ, in the sight of God and our Father; 

I like the phrase 'patience of hope.' 

I hadn't ever linked my hope and faith in the Lord with patience. That gives me something to ponder and I'll leave that with you today…

How do you think faith and hope in the Lord relates to patience?

A Prayer for Me Offered by a Stranger Comforted My Heart

Today I received a gift, by a complete stranger that touched me very deeply.  In preparation to move and downsize I have been selling lots of things on craigslist.  I listed all of my rubber stamping supplies and I got a call from a lady today who wanted to come and see them. 

I don't know how it happens, but somehow I always end up explaining why I am selling things...

"You see... My husband died two years in a plane crash.  I used to scrapbook a lot, but I just can't do it anymore.  It's just too hard to look at all of the pictures..."

And I broke down on the phone with a complete stranger. 

If my kids had been watching they would have just rolled their eyes and replied, 

"Mom, why do you go there? 

Why do you tell them?"  

They don't like to talk about it, but for me, it hurts worse to pretend that everything is just fine. I have also learned that when I am 'real' with people, that my experiences can help them.  Being honest and open breaks down walls. Often our conversation turns to their losses and struggles and then together as we empathize with each other we both feel a little lifted and more encouraged.  It gives me a chance to bear witness of things that I know to be true... 

of how our trials can be opportunities for growth and betterment...

of how I can feel light in my life when I reach out to others...

 and of how that is healing for me.

But this morning was different. 

I had dreamt of Scott early that morning.  We were looking through coins for my son's coin collection.  I was telling him about everything he had missed over Christmas, and then he kissed me and it felt so real... 

not like a dream at all. 

I knew that I was dreaming and I kept trying to tell myself not to wake up, but in dream like this it never seems to work... 

The reality of the dream just faded away and I was left alone lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. The circumstances of my life hit extra hard this morning.

I rolled over and prayed for help and strength. 

I know and feel there are lots of hard things ahead, and sometimes the weight of that seems crushing especially when I long so desperately to have my husband hold me again... 

to fix everything... 

or at least to be there to bear it with me...  

So with this weight on my mind, I had broken down at the mention of my husband's death.

Then this sweet stranger offered her condolences like so many people do when I tell them my story.  We arranged a time to meet and then she said, 

"Can we pray together before we say goodbye?"

I was touched by her kind gesture. "I would love that," I replied.

This is not the first time someone upon hearing my story has asked to pray for me or with me, but this was the first time over the phone. There was a lengthy pause and then she began her prayer.

Never in my life has a stranger prayed for me

 with so much heart. 

It was a very long and detailed prayer. She prayed for the way to be made clear for my home to sell, she prayed for my children, she prayed for strength for me and for me to feel God's love.  

It was beautiful... 

as if the words were from an angel, 

and her words pierced me to my very soul.  

The tears flowed as I felt love and light from this simple act of service.  She said and knew things deep in my heart that only could have been made known to her as she felt the spirit as she prayed.

True prayers are not prayers where we formulate the words, but where they are given to us as we speak. Her prayer this morning was one of those prayers. 

Prayers like that are more than words... 

They are powerful... 

They carry with them light and hope and God's love.

I thanked her for such a touching and sincere prayer and told her how I appreciated the light she had shared with me.

After I hung up the phone, I dried my eyes and felt the power in that prayer...
a prayer for me that was an answer to my pleadings with my Heavenly Father that morning.  I had prayed for hope and strength and I had received it through a simple kind act of a stranger... a stranger that had happened to respond to my ad that very morning.

The past two years has taught me how very aware my Heavenly Father is of my life and my needs and how very involved He is in the details. If I just turn to Him and look, I can begin to see that more clearly.

I have thought about this woman and her question..."Can I pray with you?"  

Why don't we do that for each other?

Why are we so afraid of offending that we do not take the time to share real love and compassion with each other?

I have prayed in the homes of the women I visit and I have told strangers that I would pray for them, but I have never done what this woman did for me today...

This gives me a goal and something to strive towards this year.  I need to ask to pray with more people and I need to pray more from the heart.  I need to learn to get out of the way and let the spirit guide my prayers.

I hope to get to meet this woman and share more with her how she touched me, but I also hope her actions have touched you and change you today as well.

How have others prayers helped you?

Emulating Christ Christmas Challenge

Emulating Christ Christmas Challenge
This is a challenge I have been doing daily on Facebook.  I wanted to archive it on my blog.  I invite you to join us... Scroll down to the day and start where we are.  I invite you to go back and do the other days between Christmas and New Year and use Day 1 as your New Years resolution this year.  Thanks for Sharing the gift and sharing your light.  Together we can make this world a brighter place and we reach out to each other in loving kindness.

A Very Personal Answer to Prayer that has Sustained my Hope

Twenty-two years ago today, I married my sweetheart and my best friend for time and for all eternity. 

Back then I only had a small glimpse of 

the wonderful life that he would bring me. 

Our story is one of those that bridge time and space...

I think I loved my husband from the first moment that I met him.  In third grade I went home and wrote in my journal, 

"I love Scott Clarke and I'm going to marry him someday." 

I shared these feelings with my family and friends, and as I grew up I held tightly onto that hope.  I remember going to slumber parties and being asked, 

"Who do you like?" 

To which I would reply in a dreamy voice, 

"Scott Clarke… and I'm going to marry him someday."

My friends rolled their eyes, giggled, and laughed and frankly did not believe me.  Despite this reaction, I emphatically announced,

"I know I'm going to marry him!"

When I was eleven and Scott was fourteen, he taught me and my sisters swimming lessons. When I was thirteen, he asked me to help him untangle Christmas lights at our church youth group while we were setting up for a church dance. He talked with me all night, and I came home on cloud nine and wrote the whole incident in my journal. Later at various church dances, I patiently waited for his older, sophisticated girlfriend to go to the bathroom before I asked him to dance. I think in those days my happiness depended on whether Scott showed up to the dance.  

He was three years older than me and so we never dated. I was always too young. When I was fourteen and fifteen, he taught my younger sisters swimming lessons. I made excuses to stay and watch the lessons.  I would come and sit beside the pool and dangle my feet in the water, and he would tell me about his most recent dates.… taking his girlfriend to a Beach Boys concert and getting stuck in the mud afterwards.  Oh how I longed to be older and to be that girl in the seat next to him.  

Often I would go home after those lessons, and lay on my bed and daydream about the future. In my mind I saw a clear picture that I would rehearse over and over.… 

I knew Scott would return from his two-year mission for our church when he was 21, and that would be the end of my senior year of high school.  I would attend his homecoming talk in church and afterwards tell him what a great job he had done. He would look at me in surprise and exclaim, 

"You've grown up! " 

Then he would ask me out, and we would fall in love and get married all before I turned nineteen. 

That was my dream... 

at least until I turned 16 and could finally date.  

Scott was away at college with a serious girlfriend and a mission to serve. So I set that dream aside.  My senior year came and I was very much in love with another boy off at college that I was sending on a mission. I had different plans for the future, but a few months before Scott came home from his mission he reentered my mind.  I found out that the girl who was waiting for him was no longer waiting, and this "what if… " lingered in my mind. 

Despite all my new plans, I felt compelled to just see if my old dream had any chance of coming true.

Scott's homecoming talk was the day I graduated from high school. My mother thought he would speak at 11:00, but his congregation met earlier at 9:00, and we missed it.

I couldn't believe that after all of the years of waiting that I had missed it! 

In an attempt to console me, my mother called his mother and made arrangements for us to stop by and visit with Scott on the way to my graduation.  We visited and as we left his house, I turned to my sister and said, 

"Nothing will ever come of that. " 

Little did I know that he had entirely different plans.  The very next day he called, but I was not at home. When I returned my mother said, 

"You'll will never guess who called." 

After a few failed guesses she told me "Scott Clark called to ask you out." 

I was flabbergasted! 

My knees buckled and I literally fell onto the floor in surprise. 

He called back and we went out. I lied about having a boyfriend and before the date was even over, he asked me out for Saturday.  Saturday rolled around and we spent the entire day together. We walked around the zoo, went to the College World Series, and ended up back at his house to watch a movie. The conversations of the whole date had centered around what he wanted in a wife, his plans for the future, and my plans. As we sat down together, I began to feel very panicked.  I blurted out, 

"I'm really getting freaked out here. I've never dated a return missionary before and I just graduated from high school… " 

He stopped me and said, 

"I want you to know that there are some things that I know right now that you don't know and everything is going to be okay."

The way he said it, so calmly and with such assurance, calmed me. After he dropped me off at home I was very pensive... 

I felt the need to pray. 

I wanted to find out what he knew. 

I climbed into the shower and began to talk to God, and as I did, I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life.  

I heard a voice as clear as day. 

I do not know if that voice was out loud or if it was just so strong in my head that it felt as if it was out loud. It said, 

"You are to marry and Scott, you need to say goodbye to J-----, and you're going to get married this December. " 

This was not the experience I was expecting, yet it was so intense, real and physical to me that it sent me to my knees in tears.  

I cried for a good 45 minutes in the shower trying to wrap my head around this new piece of information.… 

Trying to come to grips what this would mean for my life… 

Thinking of the boy whose feelings I would deeply hurt… 

And knowing that I was not in love with Scott. 

I composed myself enough to climb into bed, but when I saw my sister lying there, I broke down in tears again. I had a strong realization that this was my last summer with her and that deeply saddened me. 

A few days later, I left for a week long trip with my school math class to California. I told the girls that I was rooming with that I would be getting engaged when I got back. I think they were a little surprised and didn't believe me. 
I spent a week in deep contemplation.… offering a lot of pairs to be able to forget about J---- and to fall in love with Scott. 

When I returned home, Scott came over, and we went for a walk.  I said, 

"It was good to have this time apart... I got a lot of things figured out. " 

He replied, "Me too... What did you get figured out?"

In response I blurted out, "I'm not telling you."  With a little hesitation I continued, "What did you get figured out?" 

He looked at me deeply for a moment and then replied, "That you're supposed to be my wife." 

I sighed, "I know," and then without  a pause I asked, "Do you have an iron?"

Having just revealed the deep insights of his soul, he looked at me with the most confused look on his face. This was not the response he clearly had expected.  I quickly explained that while I was in California I was thinking that I needed to get an iron for college, but knowing that we were going to get married, I had wondered if he already had one. He just shook his head and laughed. If only he had known then what he was getting into by marrying me....

 And that was it! Seven months later, after my first semester of college, we were married two weeks shy of my 19th birthday. We began the insane job of finishing his chemistry degree in three years and my physics degree in two. Then we were off to medical school and residency  where we had all four of our children.  I thought the difficulties of my life are over after those rough 11 years. We were like any couple... we had our ups and downs, but Scott loved me deeply and I think with an intensity that I did not fully understand or reciprocate until after he died.

Why did I have such a strong experience and know so young and for so long that I was to marry him?

I think that knowledge was to propel me through my life right now. I needed to know that I did not make the wrong choice. I needed to know that I married the man I was supposed to marry even though his life would be cut short. Because of that experience 22 1/2 years ago, I never question that decision.

In the past two years, the depth of my ability to love has increased.  Not just the love for my husband, but for my children and for people around me that I serve.  

• I know the bond between Scott and I has not been broken. 
• I know that as long as I am true and faithful to the covenants that I have made with God, that His promises are sure.  
• I know that we will be together forever as a family.  
• I believe relationships can be strengthened on the other side of the veil.

I feel a greater closeness to, love for and understanding of my husband.  That love and understanding has come as I have turned to God. I have found that by turning to God and drawing closer to Him that I draw closer to my family in the process.  

This life is about learning how to love… 

How to love God more and others more.  

Sometimes I feel that is unfortunate that it took the death of my husband for me to really realize this truth, but my understanding now makes me grateful for that event. For I see it as only a temporary event...

a temporary separation that allowed me to learn some very important things...

things that will make me a better person in the eternities. 

I shared a lot of very deep personal emotions today partially to honor my husband and the love that he showed and continues to show towards me, and partially because I felt very strongly that someone needed to hear this today. I hope whoever you are, that you find comfort and that you find strength to get through the difficulties that you are facing.  More than anything I hope you feel love from God, if from no one else....because that is the love that has sustained me and continues to sustain me.

The Processing of Turning Outward: Overcoming Roadblocks

The Processing of Turning Outward:

 Overcoming Roadblocks

For the last two months I have really been struggling, being sent back into grief and crying for a period almost everyday.  I have been asking,

"What in the world is going on?  

Why all of the sudden am I having such a hard time?"

People tell me it is normal, and it is just part of grief.  They tell me to give it time and focus more on myself, but I have rarely found relief in focusing on me.  I was reminded of these two companion quotes...

"'Hell is being frozen in self-pity.'  Indeed at times when we think our lot is hard or when we feel ourselves misunderstood, it will be so easy of us to indulge ourselves in feeling some self-pity."- Maxwell

George Macdonald reminded us that "the only door out of the dungeon of self pity is the love of one's neighbor." 

So in response, I have been trying to serve, study my scriptures, and pray and in those moments.  I do feel a temporary lifting when I am doing those things, but the cloud has just kept coming back.
Persistently I have kept trying to discover what I needed to do in order to get back the peace that I was feeling before.

As of late, I have been studying the Character of Christ.

I have been noticing how He always turned outwards even in moments of personal pain and distress.  As I have been reflected on my inward turning and feeling sorry for myself,  I have known that I needed to change that.  Uncertain as to how I could make that happen...

I have prayed for help...

I have tried to push those feeling away...

but something else was missing.

As I began to look more carefully at myself, I saw the root of some negative feelings.  I have been feeling additional stress because of difficulties with a service project that I am working on with several other widows and a grief counselor.  It's something that I feel very driven to do because of it's potential to help a lot of people.  Lots of road block have been thrown up recently to prevent it from going forward.  That has really frustrated me.  I have found myself questioning God, saying in my mind...

"If you really want me to do this, then why is it so hard to do?"   

"Why don't you fix it and send me more help!"

Okay...

so I agree... 

that was not the best stance to take with God and it was not the best way to solicit help.

As I look back on those statements, I see a lot turning inward and very little turning outward.  Frustrated, confused and in a bad place, I didn't know how to overcome this hurdle.

At the same time I was listening to a talk by a man I greatly respect.  I heard him speak when I was a teenager and he has since passed away from Cancer.  He said in this older talk that...

Most of our suffering "comes because of our sins." (Neil A Maxwell, "But for a Small Moment.")  

Honestly, at first this statement kind of rubbed me wrong.  I got a bit defensive and I thought,

"My suffering is because my husband died in a plane crash!  Not because of anything that I have done... in fact, I am trying to do a lot of good things... Don't I deserve a break or a little credit here?"

Again, my attitude was clearly in opposition to God... and I knew that.  I knew what I was feeling was wrong and as I mulled that idea in my mind, my heart began to soften and I began to ask in prayer what I needed to do to change.

As I prayed an idea came into my mind.  It was actually something that I felt I needed to do months ago, but that I had not gotten around to doing because I was uncertain how to go about it.  I knew that if I sold some very special personal items,  I could use the money to pay for the help that I needed to get the project moving.

This was a hard decision, because these were items that were tied to special memories with my husband.  Honestly, at this point, I was desperate and so tired of feeling rotten that I was willing to do about anything to get that peaceful feeling back.

I moved forward and made arrangements to sell the items. Immediately I was drawn into the trap of trying to get more money for them.  Again, I felt worried and stressed and I cried frequently.  After talking things over with my mom and again going to the Lord in prayer, I felt at peace with taking the route that would insure that I could move forward more quickly even though it was not the one that could potentially bring me the most money.  I felt that the money was not the issue here.

I was being asked to sacrifice something that was special to me for the greater good.

God didn't just step in and fix my problem for me.

He showed me how I could use the resources He had already given me and with a little work of my own how I could help more people than just myself.

It was the lesson that I needed to practice...

That of turning from self and turning towards Him...  

the act of following His example and turning outwards to others even when I was in pain.

After the items were sold and a lot of tears were shed, I got into my car to drive home and a feeling of peace settled upon me.  I knew that I had made the right decision.

"We have a Father who loves us specifically and gives us things to do and, because he loves us, will cause us, at times, to have our souls stretched and to be fitted for a better world by coping with life in this world."

"If God chooses to teach us the things we most need to learn because he loves us, and if he seeks to tame our souls and gentle us in the way we most need to be tamed and most need to be gentled, it follows that he will customize the challenges he gives us and individualize them so that we will be prepared for life in a better world by his refusal to take us our of this world, even though we are not of it." 

"In the eternal ecology of things we must pray, therefore not that things be taken from us, but that God's will be accomplished through us... For there is in each of our lives this kind of divine design, this pattern, this purpose that is in the process of becoming."          - Neil A Maxwell

I learned a little bit more about these statements this week.

• I learned about how turning from self to others can enable me to get through grief and feel peace.  
• I learned that God is content to pull down the walls of my little cottage so that He can build something better.  

I want that something better... 

not just for me, but so that I can do more good.  

So that I don't have to be of two minds and constantly struggling and battling within myself.  

I would rather have one mind... His mind.

So thinking back on that statement about sin and suffering...  Was I doing something particularly wrong or sinful?  No, not really, but I wasn't following through on what I had felt God wanted me to do and that was enough to knock me out of alignment.  I was dragging my feet and hoping that He would not require of me that kind of a sacrifice.  I was too turned inward and not turned enough outward.

He was trying to help me understand that, 

and the suffering did exactly that.

Why do we suffer then?  I believe it is so that we will turn to God for help and we will have an incentive to change.  I don't think that God likes to see us suffer, but if that suffering will cause us to become someone better, then He allows it for His greater purposes.

So I'm over this hurdle for now, but I am sure that many more hurdles are in my future.  Hopefully this lesson will sink a little deeper this time and my turning will me quicker the next road block I face.

My question for you, is how has turning outward blessed your life?