Consecration June 30, 2013

A Consecrated Life

June 30, 2013

My oldest son got set apart as a missionary today. He leaves for Chile on Tuesday for two years. I came across this relating to the hymn, "I'll go where you want me to go," and I thought it applied to my journey as well.  As I have consecrated myself more fully to God, His grace has enabled me.

A life of consecration doesn’t mean only consecrating those things that are easy to give. Consecration means giving ANYTHING we’re asked to give and trusting that God knows why He is asking it of us. I’ll go where you want me to go, even if it’s in a hospital bed, even if it’s back to Heaven early, or even if it’s to remain here on earth while those we love are called back to their heavenly home. It all comes down to this: Do we trust God? Do we believe He can do all things? Do we believe He is in the details of our lives? Do we believe He loves us and wants what is best for us? If so, I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, even when it’s very difficult.

Father's Day

June 16, 2013

                                                              FATHER'S DAY
                        I wanted to write a letter to my sweetie today to thank him for being
                                    such a wonderful husband and father to my children.  

Dearest Scott, 

As I have reflected on this trial, I have realized that despite loosing a Father so young in life, my children know they were loved.  They know they were your number one priority and they were the people you wanted most to be around.  They had a wonderful example, a standard that they will hold high and seek to achieve themselves. I appreciate you reading to the boys at night.  I know you were often tired, but you sacrificed so they would have that memory with you and so that I could have a break.  Our children love to read because of you, and they will pass that on to their own children.  You taught them to work hard and then play hard, an important combination that I often lacked.  You taught me the same and hopefully I can carry on and spend the time playing with them that will keep our family close.  You always put family first and taught our kids that being together was the most fun out there.  You taught our boys how to treat women and our daughter how to expect to be treated both in the things you told them and through your actions.  As far as husbands go, you were amazing.  I think it is very rare that a wife feels as unconditionally loved and adored as I have felt for the past 20 years.  You were always on my team, you always came to bat for me, you were willing to move heaven and earth to make me smile.  You provided for us physically, emotionally and spiritually.  You stepped up and taught our children the gospel, shared your testimony with them regularly, and were the spiritual example they needed to understand how to live the gospel and make it part of their lives.  You honored your priesthood and served our family through it.  Honey, I love you more than life itself.  I miss you so much and wish desperately we could be together now.  I wish you could come and solve all of my problems and make it all better.  I am terrified to face the rest of this life on my own and to finish our work in raising the children all by myself.  I miss your encouraging words and the confidence you displayed in me.  I am grateful for our temple sealing and that you were true and faithful to those covenants.  I am grateful that those sealing powers give me opportunities to still feel a spiritual connection with you and that they still allow you to be involved in the rearing of our children.   I did sealings with Alex this week and as I knelt across the alter with him I remember just two weeks before your accident when we knelt there and I looked into your eyes and just saw absolute adoration and devotion.  I remember the spiritual impressions we shared and our anticipation at going to the temple with Alex soon.  What a tender mercy that experience was! A glimpse into the spirit world that would become much more significant to us in the coming weeks.  Alex is ready.  This experience has stretch him and prepared him to be a better missionary and a better father.  Cooper has stepped up as well- especially in dealing with Eric.  I think he is beginning to recognize the spirit's influence in helping him with Eric.  Eric needs to feel your love now more than ever.  I feel him struggling.  Please do what you can to help him.  I know you will.  I love you. Until we meet again.... 

Love, Roni

Looking Back: Seeing growth from 7 to 11 months out

Looking Back: 

Seeing growth from 7 to 11 months out

October 1, 2013

Last night  I was rereading journal entries as I searched for answers to help a newly widowed friend.  I came across this entry from 4 months ago.  It reminded me where I was in this journey then and looking back I can see now how far I have come.   

That is so encouraging to me!  

I see how the Lord is shaping me.  

I can see how those experiences made me turn more to Him, 

and I can see how turning to Him brought me the peace, comfort and 

added strength to get through these trials.  

My house still hasn't sold.  I just found out that I have to replace one of my AC units, so the the financial issues still remain.  A few weeks ago my 14 year-old slacked off with school again, but despite the problems that still remain, I have been given the ability to deal with them.  

I'm not a stressed out frazzled mess.  I am very much at peace.  

I know that the Lord is in control and I am content with that.  I have seen miracles happen in my life as He has aided me.  I don't know what the future or even tomorrow will bring, but...

• I am content to get the daily support and direction from the Lord.  
• I am content to have less things, 
• I am happier about serving others.  
• I love and empathize more deeply with people.  
• I am so much happier with the person that I am becoming than I was with myself a year ago.

Trials are hard, they are not fun,

 but I no longer wish them away.  

I know that I need them. 

So I say, "Come what may, and love it."

"Mistake to send the Hand Cart Company out so late in the season? 

Yes. But I was in that Company and my wife was in it. . . . 

I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart but my eyes saw no one. 

I knew then that the Angels of God were there.

Was I sorry that I chose to come by hand cart? 

No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. 

The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay and I am thankful

 that I was privileged to come in the Martin Hand Cart Company"

- Francis Webster, Member of the Martin Handcart company.

June 9, 2013

What a week! First 'A' hit a deer on C's birthday while driving my car.  Actually the deer hit the car on the side at the front wheel, rolled down the side taking off the front mirror and denting the door.  When I called the insurance I learned we had a 2000$ deductible and they would raise our rates 30% if I claimed it for 3 years ( totaling another 10,500$). The first appraisal was 2800$ then they called back and said they quoted the wrong mirror and it would actually be 4800$. To make matters worse R and C came down with the stomach flu.  C insisted on going out to famous Dave's for his birthday dinner and then threw it all up out the car window on the way home.  'A' power washed the car off and I cleaned the inside.

Sometimes you have to wonder why 

when it rains it always pours. 

Of course I found out about the appraisal increase minutes before I had to take E to counseling. I was upset in the car, stressed about what to do. I didn't want to go, it was such bad timing, but if you don't cancel 24 hours in advance then you still have to pay so I went anyway.  In the car I was talking to myself, 

" I'm just going to have to sell my car.  I can't afford to fix a car that costs that much."  (I was upset about that because Scott bought that car for me because I liked, and we picked it up in Germany together.  It was such a fun trip. And it is the first car I have ever really felt attached to.  I don't know if it is the car or just the jester that he did for me just to make me happy.  It wasn't practical, but I said I liked it and he bought it.).

I said I would have to drive the C class and get something different for the kids.  E piped up, 

"Oh good then I can pick what I want."  

I shot that down immediately, 

"You will have to drive whatever cheap used car I can afford." 

E replied, 

"That's not fair, A and C got to pick their cars."

Then I proceeded to tell him all the ways that life was not fair now.  When we got to the counselors we were both steaming mad.  I brought up E lying to me about stealing A's iPad to sneak watching more TV. Then the whole car conversations came up and it turned into a big yelling match.  The only good thing that came out of it was the E said that he felt that his Dad didn't love him as much as the other boys because he spent more time with them- building the car. 

 I can understand why E felt that way.  

He was just getting to the age that C was when they started the car.  It was going to be his turn to have those teenage years with his dad and he got gipped on them.  He was put off by his dad who said, 

" It will be your turn as soon as Alex is gone."  

E was also in a lot of trouble with his attitude about school, his work ethic and his lieing that was going on before Scott died.  We were both really frustrated that we couldn't help E to change and that he was so insistent on not changing.  It is very hard to watch a child make choices over and over again that you know will not bring him happiness.  I am such an anti-procrastinator that I don't deal well or understand people who are procrastinators.  Neither did Scott. Neither one of us was getting anywhere with E nor did we have a clue how to do it.  In the car ride home I apologized to E and told him that he need to talk to his dad about some of these things and forgive him.  

I told him that he would feel his dad's approval

if he would do that.  

We also talked again about lieing and how that prevented him from feeling his dad and the spirit.  I don't know? Maybe it was good after all to at least get that out.  I don't know if we are going to go back.  

While I was in counseling Alex kept texting me websites to buy the parts cheaper.  I finally told him when he called. I couldn't talk now.  For 85$ an hour, I didn't have time to deal with that too.  When I got home we looked at the site.  I decided to order the mirror parts there- it saved me 1400$.  We will see of it works out.  The reviews were either really great or really bad.  

In order to pay for the car, I decided that I needed to sell some things. I sold the pool table and then I listed all of Scott's BBQ supplies, Big Green Egg and our pool patio furniture.  I sold the Egg and all of the BBQ supplies before 8 am the next morning and the patio furniture that afternoon after just getting the deck boxes on Craig's list.  I made enough money to cover the repair for the car.  

It was a miracle how fast everything sold.  

That night I came down with the stomach flu.  I spent the next morning writhing on the bathroom floor.  A gave me a blessing and the stomach cramps calmed down.  I was able to sleep the rest of the day. That morning the guy came for the pool furniture and I had to send E out to get the rest of the money and help them load it up because I was too sick to get up and A and C had gone to SAMs to get the food for E's campout.  

When so much bad seems to pile up and everything seems to go wrong,  it causes my faith to falter. 

I start to wonder why is everything so hard?Why does it seem that everything goes wrong when I have already lost so much?What am I supposed to learn from this?Why is this better for me?  I just don't see the big picture? Show it to me so I can understand why?  

I kneel and pray and pray and pray for strength to get through each day, for peace, for acceptance of God's will.  I confirm that I know his plan has to be better than mine even if I can't see it now.  I try to trust that He will take care of us, obviously not in the way that I was planning on, but in a way that has to be better for us in the long run.  It's so hard for me as a planner to watch the weeks go by and see my house not sell. Oh, Heavenly Father help this all to work out some how and help me to be happy again.  I know I will be when this life ends, but I know I need to learn to find happiness despite all of the trials.  

I don't want my kids to remember me as a dismal, discouraged, sad mess.  

I get glimpses of it every now and then. When I think I have things under control something always spirals it out of control again.  I know I'm not as bad off as Joseph of Egypt or Joseph Smith or Job.  When I look at their lives, I see they had to wade through affliction longer than 7 months.  They weren't living in a nice house, they were in jail or had everything taken from them. All were innocent of any wrongs that caused their situations.  I was temporarily sick, I still have my children.   Things were much more lost for them and yet their experiences refined them and gave them the faith to do things later on.  

They would not have been who they became if they had not gone through the refiner's fire. 

What I really want is to be made celestial and the refiner's fire is not comfortable, but my children an I NEED this experience otherwise it would not have been given to us.  We have important things to learn so we can later do important things for the Lord. 

"Heavenly Father help strengthen my faith.  Make it sufficient to stretch through this trial.  Help the burdens to appear light that I can bear them.  Help strengthen me emotionally so I can be strong for my children.  I need strength beyond my own, I need angels beside me to help buoy me up."

  I know that I have the right to ask for that,

 and everytime I do,

 I feel the added strength that gets me through.  

Wanting Someone to Just Fix it for Me

Wanting Someone to Just Fix it for Me

My Oldest Son and His Parrot Scarlet

May 5, 2013

I had a hard week this week...

Scarlet, my oldest son's 10-year-old parrot, 

died 

and I wasn't there.

I was on the way back from St. Louis after speaking at my niece's baptism.  I was so torn about leaving when we realized she wasn't well. I felt pulled between my duty to be a mother and support to my son and to fulfill my commitment to my sister to speak.

  
Looking back... 

I knew his parrot wasn't going to make it. 

I knew that my son needed to be there, but not alone, so I left another son with him. 

I knew we needed to do all we could for her so my son would feel at peace. 

I also knew, despite my desire to stay, that he needed to do this without me.  

As a parent it is so hard to watch your child suffer 

and not be able to fix it for him. 

Even though I know that an inevitable part of life is experiencing pain, and that valuable lessons and experiences are gleaned from this, it was heart wrenching to helplessly stand by and allow it to happen. 

I suppose that is how God feels as He watches each of us, his children, suffer.   

I think my husband feels that way too... watching, hurting for us, but having to let us go through it, and not being able to just fix it. 

Many times this week I have just wanted God,

my husband, or just someone to fix it.  

It seems like nothing goes smoothly or easily.  

Ever step is an emotional, mental, or physical struggle. 

I feel overburdened, and stretched too thin.  

But even as I feel that way, I cannot deny...

 I have felt His strengthening power every time I have asked for it. 

Without the moments of despair I could not see the lifting. I would not have noticed the angels bearing me up along the way.

My thoughts are drawn to Faith....

Learning how to strengthen, and extend my faith. 

Learning how to endure and not falter in my faith. 

I have said to myself at times, 

"Okay, I think maybe I have this thing figured out."

Then something else happens, and I falter and struggle and learn the same lesson again. I find myself frustrated and chewing myself out for not getting it right the first time.  The response that has come to me is, 

"You may have learned the lesson once, but to internalize it and make it part of your character you have to experience it over and over again." 

Only through repeated exercises do my muscles become stronger. 

Only by reaching with faith, past the point I thought I was capable, do I strengthen my faith and my resolve to keep my will in line with the God's will. 

Learning to subject my will and trust completely in The Lord is a long process that takes much practice.  

I find myself trying to sort through and all of these thought and feelings I find swirling in my head.  How do I figure it all out...

• Not knowing how the story is going to be played out.
• Holding out for the happy ending I have been promised.  
• Feeling that this life is so long.
• Wondering if I will ever be happy again.  
• Hoping that I don't have to be miserable and alone for the whole time.  
• Scared that being with someone else will only make me more miserable and cause more problems with family.  
• Wishing I could trade places with Scott or at least get to him faster.
• Wanting the accelerated version of all of this.
• Just wanting it done and over.
• Fearing that when it is over that I will still feel this way. 

These are the thoughts that bring on despair and that are contrary to faith.  These are the thoughts without answers that I fight, and that I try to work out in my mind. I want to find solutions so I can be comfortable with the future. I find myself earnestly seeking spiritual inspiration and direction so that I have something to direct my hope towards. But in the meantime, while I am waiting for those answers, I know that I have to have faith that the original plan, formed by God, is better than my new mortal one.

Ultimately, I am learning to relinquish 

my desire for control and rely on The Lord. 

Waiting on the Lord is a hard thing to learn.

Life is like Coming out from Anesthesia.

April 24, 2013 (5 months out)

I have been doing a lot of thinking about agency or our ability to choose...

Life is about learning to choose to submit our will to the will of God. After all, that is what Christ ultimately had to do. I have been struggling with that concept a bit. 

Knowing how to make my will the same as God's will has been the issue. 

I have a tendency to pray for things that I want. 

In truth even though I say, 'Thy will be done,'  I still want it in my timetable. I know I have to change what I want.  It can't just be something I say, although that is the first step. But it has to be something that I want and feel as well. So the hard thing for me has been changing that desire....

 Accepting the Lord's timetable and plan and not trying to impose mine upon him.

I know before I came to earth I agreed to this plan.  As soon as my mother-in-law called to tell me the plane had not landed, I felt a feeling of peace come over me and these are some of the words that entered my mind... 

"This was supposed to happen,

 We choose this,

 You have to be strong,

 This will heal many hearts..."

So I know this was part of God's plan.  

Now all I'm trying to do is remember my prior will. It was my choice to come down here and face these trials. At one point my will was the same as the God's. I just have to remember that.

I had surgery a week ago. I came home and was still recovering from anesthesia when my visiting teachers (two lady's from church assigned to visit me) called. I wasn't having any pain because of the local anesthetic. I thought that the drugs they had used to sedate me had worn off.  I thought I was in complete control of my metal faculties.  

I did not realize how impaired I was at the time. 

I cheerfully agreed to a visit the next morning, stating that I didn't have any pain and everything was fine. When I made the appointment, I didn't even think about my mother being there. I didn't think about my sister's birthday the next day, and that we were going to Joplin. I didn't think about the four little toddlers they would be bringing with them. 

In truth I was in a fog and,  I wasn't thinking very clearly. 

I completely forgot about the conversation. Later that night I was in a lot of pain. The next day I prepared to leave with my mother. My visiting teachers arrived at the gate of our house just as I was leaving.  They asked me if I remembered about the appointment. Up until that time, I had no recollection of the conversation. Once she reminded me, I could vaguely remember talking to them. 

It was then that I realize how impaired I had been!  

There were many circumstances I had not thought about.  I realized that with a clear mind I would've made a different choice. 

Life is like coming out from anesthesia. 

• We think our judgment is not impaired. 
• We do not realize the fog we are in. 
• We do not realize our inability to reason and see future circumstances. 
• In truth we don't have a clear picture of the whole plan. 

Our choices and desires are based upon what we can see in the fog. If only we could lift the fog, then our wills would be perfectly aligned with God's will. But in our impaired state 

we cannot see things as they really are.

This is where faith comes in. 

We have to understand that our judgment is impaired. We have to trust that God can see the whole picture. We have to trust that if we could see the whole picture we would choose differently. Then we have to say, 

"What ever thy will is, I will except it." 

This is what I want... 

I want what You want. 

So instead of praying that the house will sell quickly and for the most money possible, I pray that it will sell in the Lord's timetable and for the amount that He feels is best for us.  Instead of questioning, 

"Why did my husband have to die in a plane crash?" 

I accept that and ask,

"What do I need to learn from this experience  to grow and learn so that I will be prepared to return to him someday. Help me to be humble enough to learn those lessons."

We pray, 

"Father give me faith and help my faith to stretch beyond what I'm capable of right now. Help me to bear those burdens that must be placed on my shoulders...that I might be able to witness to others of thy ability to aid in need of trials. That I will no longer just believe that, but I will know that thy hand strengthens us and helps us to become what we need to become in order to return back to thee."

We have to completely accept His will.   We can't hold back in our mind, 

"But I would really like it to be this way..."  

Instead we need to have complete faith that His way is the way we really want it. It was the way we initially planned. 

Stick to the plan... 

               I always stick to the plan.

           So why change now?

So I trust that our home will sell in the time that it is supposed to sell.  If I become completely penniless in this whole situation, that was part of the plan, and in the end it will all be for my betterment. 

Turning our will over to the Lord is about accepting the Lord's will

 and letting go of our need for immediate gratification and success. 

Now that doesn't mean sitting around doing nothing. It means I need to pray all the harder to know what my role is, and what I need to do to make the Lord's plan happen. Because the Lord's plan doesn't just happen as we sit back and watch it go.   His plan requires our involvement.  

So life is about our will and 
the Lord's will becoming One.

 It's about becoming one with His spirit.  Just like the Savior was one with the Father so we must also be one.  

One in purpose, one in mind, one in spirit.

Figuring this out is this simple part...

Making it happen is the work.

Here is some additional readings that inspired this post...

Why is it that the Son of God and His holy prophets and all the faithful Saints have trials and tribulations, even when they are trying to do Heavenly Father’s will? Why is it so hard, especially for them?

As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences. 

How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we “wait upon the Lord.” Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. He already knows, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, “all these things shall [be for our] experience, and … [our] good.”

Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, “O God, where art thou?” Yes! When a spouse dies, a companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.” Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”

What, then, does it mean to wait upon the Lord? In the scriptures, the word wait means to hope, to anticipate, and to trust. To hope and trust in the Lord requires faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, keeping the commandments, and enduring to the end.

To wait upon the Lord means planting the seed of faith and nourishing it “with great diligence, and … patience.”

It means praying as the Savior did—to God, our Heavenly Father—saying: “Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.” It is a prayer we offer with our whole souls in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Waiting upon the Lord means pondering in our hearts and “receiv[ing] the Holy Ghost” so that we can know “all things what [we] should do.”

As we follow the promptings of the Spirit, we discover that “tribulation worketh patience” and we learn to “continue in patience until [we] are perfected.”

Waiting upon the Lord means to “stand fast” and “press forward” in faith, “having a perfect brightness of hope.”

It means “relying alone upon the merits of Christ” and “with [His] grace assisting [us, saying]: Thy will be done, O Lord, and not ours.”

As we wait upon the Lord, we are “immovable in keeping the commandments,” knowing that we will “one day rest from all [our] afflictions.”

And we “cast not away … [our] confidence” that “all things wherewith [we] have been afflicted shall work together for [our] good.”

Even with the shining examples of Job, the prophets, and the Savior, we will still find it challenging to wait upon the Lord, especially when we cannot fully understand His plan and purposes for us. That understanding is most often given “line upon line, [and] precept upon precept.”

In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When He does answer, it is often “here a little and there a little” because that is all that I can bear or all I am willing to do.

Too often we pray to have patience, but we want it right now! 

We may not know when or how the Lord’s answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come. For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. This may be true for some promises in our patriarchal blessings and for some blessings for family members. Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary.

On this Sabbath morning, I express gratitude that “in my Gethsemane” and yours, we are not alone. He that watches over us “shall neither slumber nor sleep.” His angels here and beyond the veil are “round about [us], to bear [us] up.” I bear my special witness that our Savior’s promise is true, for He says, “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” May we wait upon Him by pressing forward in faith, that we may say in our prayers, “Thy will be done,” and return to Him with honor. 

  -ROBERT D. HALES    Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done

Faith April 18, 2013

April 18, 2013 (5 months)

I have been looking up faith in the scriptures and here are some of my thoughts...

There is a connection between faith and deliverance from trials. The Lord will deliver us if we have faith and patiently submit to His will. Life is about learning to subject our will to His and to put total trust in Him, following Him by keeping our covenants and the commandments. As we do this, blessing will come our way, and we will see that His plan is better than our own and that His hand was present, delivering us from our trials in His due time while giving us the power and strength to ensure them.

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance"-1 Nephi 1:20

"I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me " 1 Nephi 7:17

"... they were brought into bondage, and none could deliver them but the Lord their God...And it came to pass that he did deliver them, and he did show forth his mighty power unto them, and great were their rejoicings."- Mosiah 23: 23-24

"...that they should not be frightened, but that they should remember the Lord their God and he would deliver them. Therefore they hushed their fears, and began to cry unto the Lord" - Mosiah 23:27-28

"so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God... And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."-Mosiah 24:10,13-14

Finally, when you get discouraged, and you will, remember the words of Nephi...

" Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." 1 Nephi 7:12

A great legacy april 8, 2013

April 9, 2013

I really enjoyed conference this past weekend. I listened to the first session again Yesterday while I was doing yardwork. I was struck by how many good people have been raised by widowed mothers. Sister Dalton, Elder Oaks... Then there are people from history like Mary Fielding Smith. They were all righteous , Faithful, and left great legacies of faith. Their children survived the experience. In fact they learned great faith as a result of it. I feel I'm part of a great sisterhood of widowed mothers. Mothers who were able to leave a legacy of faith because of how they endured this trial well.