Just Got Back from the Cemetery...

Just Got Back from the Cemetery  

Firsts are always so hard, and this was my first time there since the funeral.  I know that seems strange after 18 months, but we burried Scott and his dad in Omaha, 6 hours from home.  The cemetery is a good 45 minutes from where Scott's family lives so it requires extra planning to go.  Everytime we have come to visit the kids have not wanted to go.

I suppose I should have just gone by myself...,

 but I think part of me was just afraid to do this first alone.  

Today was Memorial Day. We were in Omaha and everyone was going out together... 

How could I not go?

I was worried about seeing my name on the stone, not because I'm afraid to die, but because it is a reminder of how wrong and upside down it feels to be a widow at age 40.  I didn't want to be reminded of Scott's untimely death and of the future that we planned that will never be.

I normally don't go there anymore...

I don't do the "it's not fair" thing because I know it only spirals me down. 

I wasn't prepared for those emotions to hit when I saw the marker.  

My sister-in-law handed me some extra flowers as I walked up.  It was kind of her to think of me. I just couldn't decide what to do or bring.  Nothing had felt right as I had thought about it the day before, so I came empty handed.  As I knelt by the stone and traced the letters of his name and the date of the accident, I knew what to do with the flowers.  I began to pull the petals off and sprinkle them around our names.  My niece joined me in tossing petals.

Sorrow hit me. 

I so badly wanted to be alone or to just run and be by myself and cry...

to not be surrounded by my husband's family happily chatting away. 

"This is so unfair," I thought. 

"I feel cheated that everyone my age has their family whole and mine is separated." 

Slowly everyone left, and my sweet 15 year-old came and put his arms around me.  I cried to him and expressed some of my feelings.  Then he let me be alone, and in the quiet I decided to change my thinking and to reach out to my husband and listen instead of complaining to him. 

This is what came into my mind... 

Peace and love

He reminded me that we are still on the same team and that he will NEVER leave me... 

That I'm not alone.  

He reminded me that we had planned to do important things and that I had people to help... 

People to make a difference in their lives. He reminded me that we wanted that... 

That we decided we could be apart to do this greater good.

Then he showed me a picture in my mind 

Me in white, young and smiling... 

Running to him and him picking me up and swinging me around as I fall into his arms.
I saw people around us cheering and clapping, and I saw him whisper in my ear, 

"We did it! We made it through, and now we never have to be apart again." 

He told me to hold that picture in my mind and 

remember it whenever I get discouraged.

I looked at the stone and saw the words "married for eternity" between our names. 

No, my life is not over. 

It's just taking a little detour for a while, but the ending I had always planned will still occur. Time is passing... 

This time will pass, and I can spend it sulking or I can spend it doing good. 

I've never been one to sulk for very long... 

I would rather get busy. 

He reminded me of other promises he has made to me about my future and then he said,

 "Go have a fun day with the kids. Be happy and enjoy being together with my family." 

I thought of the sacrifice he is making in all of this. Being away from us and them... Missing the interactions and watching the party through the window.  It's hard on him too... This being apart. 

I'm reminded that we have done this pattern before when he was a resident in medical school.  We have worked separately for the same goal with the reward of a later reunion.  Yes, my life has prepared me for this, and even though earlier I said this all felt 'wrong,' deep inside of me I know this was 'right' and exactly how it is supposed to be...

as hard as that is to accept, I know it to be true.