When I look back on those early months, I can see so clearly what my problem was.
I wanted to be sad.
I wanted to be negative.
I wanted to sit in the mud and just sulk.
I felt it was my right.
So that was my choice some days..,
and by choosing that..,
I chose to face my pain on my own.
Only when I chose to finally let go of my entitlement issues, repent of my stubbornness, and turn to God for help did I finally receive peace.
All the time that I was sitting in the mud looking down and lamenting my situation I failed to realize that the Savior's hand was right there above me, waiting for me to come to myself and come to Him.
If only I could have humbled myself sooner, I would not have had to experience as much pain.
Instead of choosing to be humble... I was compelled.
I am grateful that this was a lesson I learned rather quickly. I am grateful for wonderful children who taught it to me because learning this has accelerated my healing. Here is a story from my journal illustrating this point...
Jan 4 ,2013
My oldest son and I went and saw Les Miserables tonight- everyone else grimaced at the thought. Okay, so today was another rough day- two in a row. I spent from 3-5 pm crying on my boy's bed while my oldest two sons tried to comfort me. (Now who is supposed to be the parent.) I was very negative, but they just kept coming back with pick-me ups.
I was pretty determined to just be sad.
After the movie My oldest said,
"Puts things into perspective... So many people have had it much worse than us."
It was what I had thought too, but I didn't admit that.
I was still determined to wallow a little more.
When we got home, he came into my bathroom for pain medication. (He just had a wisdom tooth pulled). He pointed to a plaque that sits by my sink.
"Life is about more than waiting for the storms to pass,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."
As I climbed into bed, I realized that I hadn't taken time to do my personal scripture study today. It only took a few verses to help me gain a little perspective.
I thank God that he let those two boys come into our family.
They have strength beyond their years, and are a great support for me to lean on.