Regrets that Paralyze You

Regrets can paralyze you.  They can serve as roadblocks to keep you from moving forward.  They can snatch you, suck you back and spiral you down into grief. We all have regrets... it's simply part of living and part of making mistakes, but what we choose to do with those regrets or how we choose to come to terms with them either propels us forward or slams us back.

After my husband's death I dealt with regret on a level that I had previously never experienced.  There was so much that couldn't be undone, fixed or changed, so I was just left with all of the 'could have,' 'should have,' and 'would have' beens swirling around in my head.  

The accident was one of the biggest issues. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday... I had suggested that Scott take his plane on the trip with his dad.  For a long time, that really bothered me.  I felt responsible.  I wondered, "What if I had not suggested that, and he had just flown commercial? Would I still have my husband?"  A good friend pointed out to me one night, when I was crying on the phone about my regrets, that the accident would have simply happened the next time he flew.  As I thought about that, I realized that he was going to take the four kids and fly to Omaha for a Nebraska game the following weekend without me.  The depressurization of the plane played out in my mind with my husband and four children onboard.  My stomach sank at the thought of loosing my entire family.  My mind went back to the night before the accident and the quiet assurance that I had had about our family being aright even if something happened to Scott. (Before the Accident) It jumped forward to the phone call the broke the news and the words of peace and comfort that circulated in my head, "This was supposed to happen."  All of these things testified to me that this was not my fault and that it was part of a bigger plan that I could not yet see.

I was also tormented by the idea that Scott had missed or ignored the prompting to not get in that plane that night because he didn't want to disappoint me.  He knew I was making a special dinner and he didn't want to hurt me or make me mad by missing it.  The investigators questioned me, "Why was he in such a hurry to get home?  Did he have patients to see or something pressing?  Why didn't he just wait another day for the part?  What was so important that he needed to leave that night?"  They had no idea how their questions ignited my fears. As my heart sunk, I could only respond with the truth, "It was just me.  He wanted to get home to me."  Then the tears came as I explained about the dinner I had been making.  They didn't know what to say.  I could feel the uncomfortable silence on the other side of the phone.  I hadn't given them the information they needed, but they had confirmed my worst fear.  It was all my fault.  He got in that plane because of me.

I lived with that conversation for months, going back and forth in my mind between the idea that God had incorporated this tragedy into his great plan for our lives and the thought that I had been the cause of something so very wrong, something that would never be set right and something that would assuredly destroy us. This regret would resurface and cause my stomach to churn.  It would start me crying and make me doubt everything good that I had felt.  

Finally, I got an answer that gave me some relief.  About 4 months out, I attended a conference for young widows and widowers out in Utah where Chris Williams spoke about his pregnant wife and all but two of his children dying in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. His whole talk was touching, but as he described the night of the accident, his words hit me in a different way than anything else he had yet said.  He described how it had been a wonderful, fun evening together, and then he told of the feeling of peace and love for his family that came over him right before the impact that would take their lives. My mind went back to my experience and feeling those same feelings before the crash.  I listened more intently as he said, "There was no prompting to not get in the car that night.  No warning from the spirit came.  What happened, God allowed to happen for a greater purpose that I did not yet understand."  As he said those words, all of the weight of the regret I had carried fell from me like water running down a roof in a rain storm.  

I can't describe how I knew, but deep down the realization pierced me, "They didn't ignore a warning because of me.  It simply was not there."  I saw them laughing and talking about the fun weekend they had enjoyed together and the cars they had raced.  I knew that they had felt peace too, just like I had that night.  God had not intervened to stop what was going to take place, instead He brought us feelings of love for one another, comfort and reassurance.  He knew that this tragedy would hurt and cripple us, but he knew that it would change and refine us too.  He wanted us to gain everything we could learn from this  and so He didn't stop it.

I don't know what regrets and guilt plague your mind.  Sometimes there are things that we can go back and fix.  We can rectify those acts, apologize, make it better the best way we can, and then move forward.  But sometimes there are things that we cannot fix.  Sometimes there are things that we will never know and those can be the regrets that continue to haunt us and hold us back.

I can't answer those questions for you, I cannot bring you peace, but I can share with you how I found my peace.  It didn't come from the investigation or from people assuring me that my fears were unfounded.  It came from the spirit speaking peace to my mind.  The funny thing was, that is didn't happen when I was on my knees crying out to God to give me understanding.  The answers didn't come then, but my prayers were heard.  When the time was right and I was ready, I was placed in the path of people who shared their experiences with me.  My answers were not found in the words they said, but through them, I was touched on a deeper level and peace and understanding came to my heart.

Those are the answers that carry me.  Those are the ones I go back to when I start to fear and spiral down. I remember how I felt.  I reread what I wrote about those experiences and I feel it all again.  Answers can come, maybe not all of the answers we would like, but the ones that we need to move forward can come if we just pray and ask and then wait.  They come often when we don't expect, but if we put ourselves in a place where we can hear and feel those answers, they will come.

Don't live with your regrets.  Fix those things you can and pray for help to understand and feel peace about those that are beyond your control.  God wants to help us change and move forward.  He wants to give us those tender mercies and assurances that keep us going, but He can't if we won't hear and He can't if we aren't prepared.  That is what I make my focus now.  I try to be in a place where I can get those answers.  I am learning how to recognize them better and better.  

Does that make all of the pain go completely away? 

No, but it does help me to manage it.  It helps me to know that I am on the right path.  It helps me to know that there is a higher purpose in all of this and that gives me the drive to keep going and looking for ways to make Scott's death make a difference.  So that is part of the purpose that I have discovered. Yours may be completely different, but what ever it is, I encourage you to get the answers and peace that will help you let go of your regrets, find purpose and move forward.

See and comment on this post on my new website, How Do I Go On?

Finding Joy among the Crashing Waves

The holidays are approaching and I watch everyone else filled with excitement and anticipation.  Scott loved the holidays and it was always such a happy time in our house, but I find now that I dread those days.  I have learned to live with all of the normal days of the year... I have had well over 1000 of those days to practice being without him, but this is only our 4th thanksgiving, our 4th Christmas, his 4th birthday, and our 4th wedding anniversary apart.  Four really isn't that much, and I think the lack of practice on these special days makes them all the harder.

Honestly, I am tired of being sad... tired of dreading the day and looking for distractions to make it go quicker... I am tired of faking a smile and tired of the triggers that make me well up with tears. I really truly want to be able to live and enjoy those days again.

My children are growing up and leaving, and already we are not all together on those days.  I suppose this loss is something everyone faces, even without death in the picture.  Children grow up and leave home to create their own families.  Change is constantly in motion in our lives like waves crashing on the shore. We often catch ourselves fearing the next wave to come.

I am reminded of our surfing lessons in Hawaii this summer.  As we were trying to paddle out with the waves crashing in, we were toppled and tossed off our our boards with each new waves.  With eyes stinging from the salt water, we would recover our boards and try to make up the lost distance before the next wave gathered strength.  It was a tiring, loosing battle until our instructor taught us to dive under the wave.  Instead of sitting up on the board and trying to fight our way over the wave, we simply laid flat on the board and bowed our heads to dive beneath it.

It was effortless to get to the other side of the wave this way. We avoided the churning and emerged smoothly on the other side.  So as the waves of change crash upon our lives, we can either fight miserably against them or we can learn to peaceably roll with them.

Maybe I am finally at the point where I am tired enough of being beaten up in the resistance that I am finally willing to embrace the process of change in my life.  Just as we bow our heads to go under the powerful crashing waves, I can bow to the power of He who creates these waves of change, and as I do that, I know that He can help me pass to the other side of them.

So what is holding me back?  As I think about it, it has to be fear.  Fear is that beast that always tries to paralyze me and prevent me from moving forward in faith.  It is what dampens my hope and kills my joy.

What do I fear?  

Unfulfilled expectations, more loss, being alone...

How do I combat those fears?  

There is only one way that I know to combat fear, and that is through prayer.  Through prayer, I can get the power to overcome those fears.  So tonight that is what I was doing.  Not formally on my knees, but pondering through out the evening and when I slipped into the tub tonight.  My mind went back to earlier today and a lesson formulated in my mind.

This afternoon, my daughter sang a solo in the all city choir.  In the audience I was trying to get the camera ready to video her portion of the song that was coming up.  I was fiddling with the settings, when I looked up towards her.  I found myself wishing that I had brought my glasses so that I could see her better, and then in the middle of that thought, superimposed upon it, came a clear voice... "Isn't she so beautiful?"

I stopped everything as tears welled in my mind.  "You're here!" I thought shaking my head slightly, "Of course I'm/you're here... I/You wouldn't miss this." It was if there were two voices thinking the same thing in my head. Then I was still and I just felt... felt the emotions flood me... the love that my husband had for his little girl filled me with such an alarming strength that I fought back more tears.

As I video taped her part, I just shared that moment with him... the two of us watching together... both soaking it in... and then he was gone.  The song was over and just as quick as it had come over me, it was gone.

After the performance, I told Rachel that her dad was there.  She smiled and said, "I know." So tonight I have been thinking about this and what I wrote earlier about special days being hard.

Why today?  Why did I feel that today?  

I sunk down in the tub in my darkened bathroom letting the water cover my ear to block out every sound but my breathing.  The realization came as I pondered those questions.

I get to be physically here and I get to enjoy all of these special moments with them.  Scott does not, but it's what he wants more than anything.  Together we watched her today, and I felt those emotions in him.  Today I wasn't thinking about him not being here.  I wasn't lamenting it.  Sadness was not blinding me, and it just happened... Maybe his ability to experience and be with us is contingent upon me not being sad and focusing on myself.  Maybe he depends on me to focus on the kids and the joy I can have with them.

This is a new thought for me.  It makes sense in my mind.  I know that for Scott to be with us and for us to feel him, we have to have the spirit with us.  It is absolutely critical. That is why we live the way we do.  It is why we have given up things that drive the spirit away and why we try not to argue or fight, but I had not pulled sadness into that category.  Maybe it's time now for me to understand this... maybe it's time for me to make that change and I needed to know why in order to have the power to do it.

If I choose to turn inward and be sad and dwell on what I do not have, then I block the spirit and I block my husband.  I miss out and he misses out.

I don't have much time left with my children... It's time that I stop missing out on the joy that I felt today.  I have a lot of big things coming up.  My son, Alex, is getting married this Christmas.  They are coming home for Thanksgiving and we are having it together with her family, Scott's birthday is the beginning of December and then the wedding is on our anniversary.  I can't miss this... I can't be sad and miss this... miss all of the joy my husband wants to experience with me and share with me.

Maybe if I view it this way, I will have the incentive to push those bad thoughts away and I will be able to be still and just feel. Maybe this is how I duck my head and dive under the wave.

That is what today and tonight taught me... now I just have to do what I believe to be true.  I have to act in faith and trust that the feelings will come and I will feel a great measure of joy this year.  This new revelation is exciting to me because I think I have somewhere to focus now and I feel like I can do this better this year.

So if you struggle on those special days because you have a loss that eats at your heart, choose to push away the sadness. Choose not to dwell on it and to be grateful. Choose to be still and to see the joy around you.  Open a place in your heart for the spirit to fill you.  You may not have a spouse on the other side of the veil, but you do have a Father in Heaven who loves you beyond description.  He wants us to find joy in this life and He wants to fill us with it, but He can't if we don't want to receive that gift.

If we are so focused in fear on the next wave to come, if we are bracing for the impact then we will miss the ease of the water flowing over us as we bow and dive beneath it.  Choose to bow.  Choose to trust your instructor and you will come out less beaten up on the other side.

Women Conference Inspirational Quotes

I loved, loved loved the General Women's Conference 

my daughter and I watched last night!

There were beautiful messages about the divine role of women, finding the divinity within us, the need to be virtuous, and how we as women can be better followers of Jesus Christ.  You can watch the conference in the link above, but I also wanted to share some of my favorite and inspiring quotes below.  Please feel free to share them, my blog, and a brand new website I created with other bloggers to help people cope with grief, heal and move forward.  You can find it at HowDoIGoOn.org 

Sometimes when we are in difficult circumstances we don't see an happiness now or ahead. We can get trapped in darkness and blinded by fear. As we reach in faith and hope to a great power for help we can open our eyes to happiness not just at some future point, but right now. We become aware of the tender mercies in our lives and that gratitude brings us light.

#ldsconf

Summer with Great-Aunt Rose

"The divine nature within us ignites our desire to reach out to others and prompts us to act."  The knowledge of who we are forever changes us.  We can be gifted with His love for others and we can become changed for the better... to do more and feel more that we ever could alone.

#ldsconf

Discovering the Divinity Within

There are times, especially at night, when the busyness of the day is gone and I am left to my thoughts, that I began to fear about the future. I wonder what will happen in my life now. So many of my hopes and dreams are gone and I am trying to replace them, but that can be hard to do when so much of the future is unknown and dependent upon things that I cannot control. In those moments it helps me to remember that someone knows me better than I know myself and He can see in me things that I cannot see. That is when I remember to pray. Those prayers are more heartfelt and pleading than any I have had before in my life. If I am still and I can set my fears aside, I can get a glimpse of what He sees.

"There is a divinity within you... You are a children of God, and because you are His child, He know who you can become. He knows your fears and your dreams. He relishes your potential. He waits for you to come to Him in prayer." 

That divinity that is within me and you allows us to rise above our situations as we seek a great power for help. I may feel weak and incapable and uncertain on my own, but when I reconnect myself with Him, then I can see that spark within me. It gets ignited and I feel that enabling power helping me to go on.

#ldsconf

Discovering the Divinity Within

The power to do good flows from us and influences those around us when we seek to know how to 

use our light to do good. 

"We are the Lord's agents and we are always on His errand."

We have the power to share the light within us. When we understand who we are and we feel in our heart what He would have us do and then we act on those promptings more light flows into us... it can fill the wholes we have... it can change us and it can empower us to help fill others.

#ldsconf

Here to Serve a Righteous Cause

Fighting My Way to the Distant Light

I have missed blogging....  This morning I ran into a woman who recognized me.  She follows my blog and told me how much she appreciated reading it. She shed tears for me, and I realized how much I need to get back to writing because of the good it does not only me, but others.

This last spring I found myself busy teaching a teen early morning bible study class and working on a grief website.  Both have been worthwhile endeavors, but I found myself feeling very isolated.  A dark cloud seemed to settle on me. I kept working, kept pushing forward, but the darkness seemed so oppressive that I found myself often breaking down in tears.  I felt myself withdraw in self-protection mode.  I knew that I needed to reach out, but I was struggling so much, that I was afraid that I didn't have anything worthwhile to share or that if I tried, I would only end up in a puddle of tears.  Fear was paralyzingly me.

How could I help others when I couldn't help myself? 

I felt like a hypocrite.

The only light I could see was a distant hope that things would be easier when my oldest son returned from his mission.  I held onto that hope and looked to that distant light.

This summer there was a parting of the clouds when Alex came home, but as his departure time for college approached, I began to fear another difficult oppressive year. I knew that I had a lot of work to do to finish my grief website.  So many hours and resources had been expended to do this service project, and I began to doubt my ability to finish it.  I worried that my negative emotional state would return and be detrimental to my teaching and to my parenting. I feared being alone again.

The more I feared, the more paralyzed I became and the more the dark clouds began to surround me.  One evening while walking, I got into an argument with Alex... He went inside and I continued to walk in the dark.

It wasn't just dark outside, I felt it everywhere inside of me.  It consumed me, and I'm honestly glad that no one could hear the voices in my head.  I was sobbing when my son pulled up in his car and opened the passenger door. He told me to get in.  Desperately wanting to escape the way I was feeling, I climbed in and began to sob.

It amazes me the strength that my children have at times, and how wisdom comes to them that is beyond their years.  I heard my husband's voice in his counsel and I know he was directed by the spirit to understand my feelings.  We prayed together and through his words I felt the light again.  It renewed my focus.

I'm keeping my eyes on that light and I am feeling a renewal of strength.  Ideas are flowing again, the crippling feelings of loneliness have abated, and I can see the direction I need to move.  The fear is gone now that I am moving forward with FAITH.

I heard a story in a talk given by Whitney Clayton about a little girl who was the sole survivor of a plane crash with her family.

"Last January, seven-year-old Sailor Gutzler and her family were flying from Florida to Illinois in a private airplane. Sailor’s father was at the controls. Just after nightfall, the aircraft developed mechanical problems and crashed in the pitch-dark hills of Kentucky, upside down in very rough terrain. Everyone but Sailor died in the accident. Her wrist was broken in the crash. She suffered cuts and scrapes and had lost her shoes. The temperature was 38 degrees Fahrenheit -it was a cold, rainy Kentucky winter’s night--and Sailor was wearing only shorts, a T-shirt, and one sock. 

She cried out for her mother and father, but no one answered. Summoning every ounce of courage, she set off barefoot across the countryside in search of help, wading through creeks, crossing ditches, and braving blackberry briars. From the top of one small hill, Sailor spotted a light in the distance, about a mile away. Stumbling through the darkness and brush toward that light, she eventually arrived at the home of a kind man she had never met before who sprang to her care. Sailor was safe. She would soon be taken to a hospital and helped on her way to recovery. 

Sailor survived because she saw a light in the distance and fought her way to it--notwithstanding the wild countryside, the depth of the tragedy she faced, and the injuries she had sustained. It is hard to imagine how Sailor managed to do what she did that night. But what we do know is that she recognized in the light of that distant house a chance for rescue. There was hope. She took courage in the fact that no matter how bad things were, her rescue would be found in that light."

I was struck by Sailor's faith as she moved through the dark that night.  Certainly the light disappeared as she went down hills and trees obscured her view. Yet she chose to move in the direction she had last seen the light.  She chose to have faith that it was still there.

There have been periods for me when that light has been obscured. It's easy to become afraid and discouraged when you can't see the hope of a distant light. Some times I have stopped walking and I have sunk to the forest floor to cry, but it was only when I decided to move forward in faith that the light came back into view.

For me that light is my Savior, Jesus Christ.

When I choose to trust Him, 

walk in obedience to the truth He taught, 

and follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit, 

then the light comes back into view, 

and it fills me with hope and the power to keep walking. 

A teacher told of being caught in the worst snow storm she had ever seen. The road she was on was narrow and had no shoulder on which to pull over. She could not see very well and knew the cars behind her were dealing with the same situation. If she stopped, she knew they would not see her in time, so she kept creeping along. The only thing that gave her hope when she looked up ahead was a small, far off, distant patch of blue sky. A spot in the heavens, where the clouds had parted, gave her a clear view of blue. She realized that if she kept driving eventually she would make it out of the storm.


Somedays we get glimps of that blue sky and then the clouds may crowd over the light again. We have to remember that we saw the blue sky and it is still there, just obscured. As we keep moving forward in faith, we are gradually creeping out of that storm. When we remember there is always blue sky above the storm clouds, then we can find the strength to just keep going.

"In those moments, however dark or seemingly hopeless they may be, if we search for it, there will always be a spiritual light that beckons to us, giving us the hope of rescue and relief. That light shines from the Savior of all mankind, who is the Light of the World."- Clayton

Remembering that the light is there and knowing the source of the light gives me the strength and courage to move forward in faith despite my fears. 

"Choose to Believe"- full talk

Let Patience Have Her Perfect Work

Life is about to change again... It has been so very wonderful to have my oldest son home these last two months.  He has grown and changed so much in the two years that he has been gone.  I honestly have just put everything on hold, and I have tried to suck the marrow out of every moment with him.  He reminds me so much of his dad, that I can almost hear his voice through my son.  On our nightly walks, I feel like I have a piece of my companion back, but sadly that is coming to an end.

Ironically, the lost of my husband and the two-year absence of my son has made his coming home all the more wonderful.  There has been more gratitude, more love, more kindness in our relationship than ever before.  I am grateful that this experience has taught me how to love and appreciate my family more.

I can honestly say, that sorrow and suffering does carve out a place in your heart to feel greater joy and love.  

Today, I read my Sandbar post from a few years ago.  Once again, I realized that God has provided me a place to rest and renew my strength for the upcoming swim. But as my oldest son's time to leave approaches, I have been feeling anxiety about getting back in the water.  As wonderful as it has been to have him home, I think it may be all the more painful to have him leave.

If I am not careful, I can overly focus on the pain.  I can begin to get swallowed up in the feeling that I have no choice but to be miserable and to resign myself to the suffering that is surely coming.

As I lay in bed the other night in the dark, a text message sounded on my phone.  My son, knowing that I was struggling, had sent me an article that he was reading in the other room.  I read it and found some counsel that helped me get my head around things again.

"My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into many afflictions: Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." James 1:2-4

My affliction isn't something that is going to go away.  It's something that I have to live with the rest of my life.  Good things happen, even joy at times, but my husband's absence is always a thought in the background that colors those experiences.  This affliction definitely is trying my faith.

But this scripture reminded me that there is a purpose in all of this.  It reminded me that this experience, hard as it is, is actually changing me for the better in a lot of ways.

I am learning patience... I am definitely not there yet, but I have seen progress.  I see glimmers of the wanting nothing and feeling whole in moments when my patience is winning.  That gives me hope in the process of change that I am going through.

God loves me enough to let me hurt sometimes because he know that the hurt will carve a place in my heart for something better... for me to be better.  More than anything, my character refinement is what matters most to Him.  He sees potential in me that I don't see.  He know what he needs me to be and do in the future, and He is working me through the process that will get me prepared for that future roll.

When answers to our prayers are delayed, sometimes even to the end of our mortal lives, we need to choose to commit to patience and trust the Lord, His plan for us, and His timing.

Committing to patience allow patience to better

 do her work with us.  

It allows the change to happen easier and with less pain. Committing to patience isn't just resigning ourselves to be miserable and stuck. It isn't a passive action.  It is demonstrating a inner strength, devotion and trust in God.

"Patience is not indifference. Actually, it means caring very much but being willing, nevertheless, to submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call 'the process of time.'"  

- Neil A Maxwell

I have been feeling rather anxious about the up coming months without my son.  My anxiety was a manifestation of my lack of confidence in God's plan.  I guess I had resigned myself to the idea that God wanted me to suffer so I could learn, but I really didn't want to suffer.  I think in all of my focus on the pain, I forgot the real reason for suffering.

Suffering humbles us so we remember to turn to God and get help. 

God has promised that He will help us shoulder our burdens if we will but come to Him.  He has promised to bring us the relief of His peace even in the middle of our affliction.  But when I am fearing and feeling anxious, I am not coming to Him in faith.

"Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe, rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstances.  Put another way, too much anxious opening of the oven door and the cake falls instead of rising.  So it is with us.  If we are always selfishly taking our temperature to see if we are happy, we will not be."- Neil A Maxwell

I don't understand all of God's plan, but I do know that he loves me and wants my longterm happiness.  As I learn to accept that plan with confidence then I will be in a better place to receive His peace through it all.

So I will be daily reminding myself to let patience do her perfect work on me.  I will be reminding myself to ask God for help to shoulder my burdens.  I will be reminding myself to trust and look for the blessings in my life.

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive...and may the peace of God rest upon you" - Alma 7:23, 27

A New Hope

This morning my oldest son returns from faithfully serving a two-year mission for our church in Chile. This day is almost surreal to me. When I sent him off just eight months after the death of my husband, two years seemed like an eternity. Then I sent my second son a year later. I'm impressed by the sacrifice that my two boys have made to devote two years of their life to serving God especially in light of the trying circumstances of our family. I have felt blessings pour down from heaven because of their willingness to reach out to others and serve God even when it is very hard to do so. In a way I'm afraid that we are going to miss those blessings when they return home.

But this morning my thoughts are towards that anticipated reunion. I cannot tell you how many times I have replayed it in my mind. For months I have cried every time I have thought about it. I have vacillated between feelings of fear, nervousness and excitement, but this morning it is anxious anticipation. I'm getting one of my boys back! Our family is growing bigger today, and I have so needed the hope for the future that is filling me today.

My thoughts have also been drawn to a future reunion. A reunion where I will be returning home from my mission here.  I've thought of the anxious anticipation that Scott and other loved ones will feel as they await the return of a loved family member who has served their life well. I think I will feel a portion of that joy today when we welcome Alex home.  I expect that the circle of family hugging will be much larger than what is seen.

So many people have asked me how I could possibly send out my sons for so long and if I worry about them.  I did it because I know that is what God wanted me to do and wanted them to do.  This is what I raised and prepared my sons to do, and I felt Scot say, "don't worry about them a bit.  I've got them for two years and I'm so excited about this!"  So today, he will be there at the hand off... And I will take over that stewardship again. But today I feel him say, " I'm so proud of the man he has become.  You are going to be amazed."

Twenty-five minutes until he lands...


I don't think I have fully comprehended the joy that God expects us to feel from our posterity. Sometimes it's so easy to get wrapped up in the messes and the homework and the disagreements that happen in a family. But when a family member is gone for a period of time and you feel sorrow and a deep longing for their reunion, a place in your heart is carved to receive greater joy.  I think I'm about to feel a taste of that joy.

The welcome home in action

I'm just taking a moment to post this tonight... What a wonderful awesome day.  I feel like my heart is so full.  So full of love for my family.  Today has been a beautiful, uplifting and full of hope for the future.  Today was a taste of the joyous reunion that awaits our whole family in the future.  It has renewed strength within me to keep trying to do good and to wait on the Lord.  

Sometimes it is really hard to wait for those promised blessings, but I can tell you that today taught me that the waiting is worth every moment of pain.

Offering a Broken Heart

I have to say, that my heart has been feeling a bit more broken than usual lately.  I have been trying to analyze why I have been feelings this way, and I can easily point to additional stressors and things that bring me back into grief. Although some of those things have contributed, I think I have forgotten some of the behavior and thought patterns that have given me peace in the past.  I was rereading some of my notes in a book called Power to Become.  I turned to the chapter on personal peace and found somethings that connected with me in a new way. 

The Law of Sacrifice.

It may see counterintuitive to think about sacrifice when I am hurting, and especially if you think about the Old Testament.  Most people do not understand the symbolic meaning behind the sacrifice of animals in the Bible. The animal was a symbol of Christ and of his sacrifice for us.  Christ sacrificed to bring us peace through grace, peace from the burdens of sin and peace from our trials and troubles. The true meaning of the law of sacrifice has always been to offer a contrite spirit and broken heart.  In Psalms 51:17 it says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."  We access that peace gifted through the grace of the Savior as we walk the path He walked and sacrifice to Him our broken spirits and contrite hearts.

One of my favorite speakers, Neil A Maxwell who suffered and died from cancer defined it as this,

"So it is that real, personal sacrifice never was placing an animal on the altar. Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal in us upon the altar and letting it be consumed! Such is the “sacrifice unto the Lord … of a broken heart and a contrite spirit,” a prerequisite to taking up the cross, while giving “away all [our] sins” in order to “know God” for the denial of self precedes the full acceptance of Him." 

Obeying the law of Sacrifice on deeper levels allow me to receive a greater measure of grace. As Maxwell says, we must put those parts of ourselves on the alter and let them be consumed.

How do you place your heart and spirit on the altar before God? 

Many times in our lives we have Abrahamic trials, where we are asked to sacrifice things that may be good and dear to us.  Other times we are asked to sacrifice sins or selfish tendencies.  All of these things prepare us to receive greater joy.  I have learned that I must give before I can receive, and blessings always come to me after the trial of my faith.  Placing those things on the altar is a test of faith and demonstrates complete trust and faith in the Lord

What is a Contrite Spirit?

A contrite spirit is a repentant spirit, it is humble and not full of self.  A contrite spirit is willing to accept the Lord's plan and timing.  A contrite spirit looks forward in faith.

Just as Christ submitted His will to the Father in Gethesemane, we also must learn to submit to recieive that strengthening power that comes only through Him.  We should not feel bad that this is such an inward struggle, because even Christ asked three times for the cup to be removed.  But He being the ultimate example of submission always expressed that His Father's will took prescience.

How do you know God's will?

For starters, obeying God's will is being obedient to the commandments He has already given us.  Studying the scriptures can help us learn the mind and will of God. Furthermore, studying God's written word prepares us to be able to hear his voice better through prayer.  Earnest soul searching prayer can allow us to better align our will with God's will.  We can offer him our will and obedience through prayer.  We can ask Him to show us what we need to learn and change. We can choose to set our "Why me?" questions aside and ask "What am I to learn?" We can express our trust and faith in Him and acknowledge that even though we do not know everything, that we will patiently continue to be faithful in all things.

What is a Broken Heart?

When we think of broken hearts today, our thoughts go to lost love. However, this was the meaning intended in Psalms.  Anciently, the heart was considered to be the center of all emotions and desires.  It represents our will.  It is broken, not in a disheartened way, but in willfulness. Sometimes our hearts are broken because of circumstances in our lives.  Personal tragedy can break our heart.  The negative consequences of sin can break our heart.

A broken heart prepares us to receive.  It is open and agreeable to being molded, changed and made a new. In contrast, a hard heart is bitter and resentful  It blames and seeks to be justified.  God can only work with broken hearts.

So the unique and difficult circumstances in our lives prepare us to accept change in our lives if we choose.  In all aspects, our trials really can makes us better or bitter.  The choice is in what kind of heart we offer as a sacrifice to God.

How does a broken heart relate to grief, and accessing that peace the Savior promises?

Recently at a widows conference I listened to a widower make this connection. His ideas were incredibly insightful to me. Relating to grief and the loss of a loved one, he conjured the image of glass heart dashed upon a cold hard floor. Shattered pieces lay everyone. One by one we do our best to gather those broken pieces. Despite our best efforts, not all of the pieces are to be found or identified immediately. This makes the placement of an entire broken heart on the altar as part of our sacrifice very difficult. Over the passage of time, new pieces are discovered. Their discovery is indicated by new pain, just as one feels pain days later when an undiscovered shard is stepped on by bare morning feet. We recoil at the pain; however, pain allows us to identify and take that broken pieces to the Lord to be mended and repaired. It is important to remember that this is a CONTINUAL PROCESS, so be patient with yourself and the finding of broken pieces.

In reality, the finding of the shards is not the difficult part. They pop up in unexpected situations. The difficulty come is offering those pieces to the Lord. Sometimes we want to keep broken things. Even though we do not delight in pain, we may want to sulk in our brokenness. Sometimes, our mind is fixed on the thought that broken pieces are associated with memories. We fear that giving them up will void us of a connection with our lost loved one. Pain is not part of memories, and God heals pain and leaves the good memories intact. Offering those pieces is a choice and something we must truly desire in order to receive healing. 

Receiving Healing through the offering of Sacrifice.

Sometimes we offer our broken heart, but we hold back a contrite spirit.  Other times the process is reversed. If this is the case, we will feel discouraged at the lack of peace and healing that we feel.  We may even give up and turn away from God. 

Our sacrificial bundle must be complete.  It must contain both a contrite spirit and a broken heart to be an acceptable offering to be consumed by the Lord. Incomplete offerings will give an incomplete result. There is no accessing the atonement or God's grace without both parts packaged together.  

How do I know my offering has been accepted?

If our offering is true and displayed in our desires and our actions, The Holy Spirit will come upon us and offer peace and comfort. Our trials and adversities will not necessarily be lifted, but that peace and strength will flow into us and allow us to better bear those burdens. Here are some benchmark emotions and desires that indicate an acceptable offering.

• Gratitude comes and overwhelms the pain. (As a note, sometimes people feel guilt when that pain lifts.  Guilt is not part of healing, and we do not need to feel guilty when we feel moments of happiness and light again.  Guilt does not honor our loves ones or bring us closer to them.)
• The Holy Spirit fills us so there is no more room for the grief or torment to exist.
• Peace and calm about the future for us and our families prevails
• We develop an eternal perspective and gain understanding of how these trials are helping us and we keep our view for beyond this life.
• Our eyes are opened allowing us to 'see' and understand on a new level.  We may feel enlightened.
• We understand that we can still have joy in this life
• We develop hope for the future, knowing that God has our future in His hand.
• We desire to share with others the things we have learned so that we can lift them in their burdens.

How do I sustain these feelings?

Continuing to act in the process of offering new aspects of a contrite spirit with each pieces of broken heart will allow us to feel a greater measure of peace in our lives.  However, the peace we feel will not always be consist and intense.  We live in a fallen world and we are constantly subject to new adversity and temptation.

When we experience the fruit of the atonement or grace, Satan always makes himself more manifest to us and our families in ways that we may not know or understand.  Knowing that these onslaughts are coming can help us be prepared and watchful.  We can be defensive against his tactics and we can teach our families to be aware and defensive as well.  

Look for areas of weakness and fortify them.  Don't become complacent in your strengths. Obedience, watchfulness and faithfulness help us to stand ready and to defeat him before he gets a foot in the door.

I love this quote by Neil A. Maxwell.  It helps me to continually refine my contrite spirit.

"Any list of our present, personal indulgences is actually an index—but a reverse index to joys—joys we will not experience until we do deny ourselves certain things. Meanwhile, the absence of gross sins in our lives can lull us into slackness concerning seemingly small sins."
What if I don't feel these feelings?      
I we don't feel the benchmarks then we know that the sacrifice is incomplete and we need to go back, reassess and make it complete. Some of these thoughts may lead to an incomplete sacrifice.

• We may have decided we don't want to get hurt and we have allowed our hearts to become hardened. 
• We are unwilling to completely submit our will. 
• A contrite spirit and a broken heart are not given at the same time. 
• We still entertain lingering 'Why?' questions. 
• We have commandments that we are breaking and need to repent of.

So many times when I have found new broken pieces, I have tried this process and failed initially. I look back at the process of selling my house for example...  Over and over again I thought I had submitted my will, only to discover that I really hadn't. But the process of returning and trying again and again taught me important lessons.  Don't ever fall into despair because we can continually go back to the altar and seek those blessings of peace. I know that whenever I feel that pain, it is time for me to sacrifice again. 

Another important principle that helps me fight discouragement is knowing that healing is not complete until the resurrection.  In mortality I will feel sorrow and suffering... that is part of this schooling experience.  The 'happily ever after' comes after this life.  It is as if we are in the middle of a three act play, where all of the drama and conflict exist. Knowing that there will be a final resolution and reunion in the final act helps me to persevere in faith with hope for the future.


Questions to Ponder:

What aspects of a contrite spirit do you need to work on offering?

How does prayer and studying the scriptures help me to sacrifice?

Are there pieces of my broken heart that I am holding on to?

Resources:

Scott, Richard G  “Trust in the Lord," Nov 1995

Maxwell, Neil A. "Deny Yourselves of All Ungodliness." April 1995