I Will Prepare You: Thoughts At Year Six

Six years ago today, my life forever changed. This morning I was thinking back about that day and remembering how much we were prompted and guided to have discussions that later prepared me to move forward after the accident. Scott and I had talked about so many specific things. On walks at night we planned what I should do if something ever happened to him. Our topics were surprisingly thorough, ranging from the realestate agent I should use to list the house, to discussions about me remarrying, to wills and estate planning and what we wanted on our tombstones. At the time I had no idea how the Lord was preparing me and what a difference our listening and heading those promptings made. I’m grateful that I had a husband who was in tune to the spirit and followed up on those things he felt he should do.

I also see how both of us were inspired to make changes in our personal goals and our family focus that prepared us individually and as a family. I watched how Scott had an increased desire to serve others and his family. The month before the accident he spent dinner time teaching his boys everything he learned from his mission. I remember a few days before, how on a walk, he had broken down about Alex leaving on his mission in eight months. He commented how badly he wanted to go with him. In the last five out of six years, I have had sons on missions. Each boy has had profound experiences with their dad while serving those missions. I strongly believe that Scott was prepared for roles he would fufill after his death.

When I think about myself, I remember creating a new mission statement a month before the accident. I wanted to be a more charitable and empathetic towards others. I was reading everything I could find on the subject and I was praying that I could figure out how to be different. Little did I know, that an experience was coming that would forever change me. I needed to face my own personal suffering in order to be able to relate to others who were also suffering. Because of those promptings, I was in a good spiritual place when Scott died and that allowed me to have other experiences that prepared me.

The night of the accident I was walking with my kids on the Galloway trail. They had all wanted to be together that night. As the sun was going down and as I watched my kids skipping ahead of me arm in arm, I had an amazing feeling of love come over me. Very clearly in my mind came the words, “If something happens to Scott, this will be enough, you can still be happy. “ At the time I was so filled with love that I thought nothing of it. As I look back, I know the five of us were not the only ones on the trail that night. We had angels walking with us. I had arms around me preparing me for what I would discover the next morning.

Last week I drove back to Springfield to speak to our college age youth group about how I have seen the Lord’s hand in my life. I used the scripture below to talk about how The Lord prepares us with light before challenging journeys.

“24 For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.

25 And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come. Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?”

The morning after the accident, when my mother-in-law called to tell me that they have not landed, my mind immediately went back to the night before on the Galloway trail and I knew that I had been prepared. In that moment, time stood still and I watched myself sink to the floor and give up and despair. As my future continued to unfold I watched my children’s lives self-destruct. There was darkness everywhere...all I could think was, “There has to be a way out of this, There has to be a way out of this!” Then, out of the darkness there was light off to my side. In my mind I made the choice to turn towards it. When I made that choice, new words came into my head… “This was supposed to happen, we chose this, you have to be strong, this will heal many hearts, now go and figure out how you’re going to tell the kids.“ That day, and every day since, those words of light have carried me through the darkness. I know that day I had an angel husband standing beside me, whispering words of truth that would sustain me for the rest of my life.

The miracles that have unfolded in my life the last six years have been incredible to be a part of! God over and over again has pulled me out of the depths of the sea. He has continued to give me light and understanding, and He has allowed his angels to walk with me on this journey. He has given me a purpose. He has expanded my concept of family and given me more people to love and care for in my life.




Today I am grateful for that preparation. I’m grateful that we don’t have to walk this sometimes lonely and painful journey alone. I’m grateful that this experience of life it’s not the end, but a way for us to learn and grow and be better, and I am grateful for those waves that have propelled me on that journey.

New Beginnings and Happy Endings

I had a fairytale start to my life. I had a husband who adored me, 4 bright, beautiful children, and then without a moments notice everything came crashing down and life as I knew it fell apart. I wondered if I would ever feel happiness again in this life. What good was a fairytale beginning without a happy ending? In my darkest moments I felt abandoned, hopeless and lost.

Despite the darkness, I made a choice... 

         the choice to choose God and faith everyday. 

I trusted that my story wasn’t over. I trusted that understanding would come as I continued to exercise faith, and that understanding did come in quiet, simple assurances from the spirit. I learned to trust that peaceful voice in my head and to use my life and experiences to promote good.

Day by day I was taught...

And gradually I began to realize that the purpose of life perhaps isn’t to have everything work out all of the time. Maybe in reality my view of perfection would be a prison that wouldn’t allow growth or change. Without tasting the bitter, how could I every know to prize the sweet?

Perhaps instead, life is about learning how to feel joy even in difficult circumstances. 

It is about learning how to focus outward, how to give love unconditionally, so there is a greater place for us to receive it back. It’s about doing harder things than you thought possible and feeling God’s power and strength aiding you through the hard times. It’s about freeing ourselves from worldly pursuits and focusing on people and our relationships with them.

Now, 5 1/2 years after my world fell apart I find the pieces miraculously coming together in a more beautiful design than I could have ever expected. God is good. Divine Design exists in our life. He eventually compensates us for every loss. He can fill our empty holes with more love if we turn our focus and life to Him and doing His will.

Initially I felt loss from all the life changes that occurred along with my husband’s death, but as compensation for that loss, I gained empathy and the ability to relate to and help others who were struggling in similar circumstance. I also gained opportunities to serve that I would not have had in my former life.

As a result, now my life is fuller because of the purpose it has gained.

I felt loss of family when my husband died. Then that loss was compounded as I sent my sons one by one on missions, but as I continued to exercise faith, our family numbers began to increase. Shortly after each son's return, we welcomed into our family new daughter-in-laws and now an upcoming grandson. As I look to the future I see more family and more love on the way.

I recently met an amazing man through circumstances that I can only describe as divine design. God works in mysterious and miraculous ways to bring good things into our lives. Major mountains have been moved and losses have been compensated. We are engaged to be married in late May and with him I gain 4 more children to love. I feel my heart is overflowing with gratitude to the Lord for granting my deepest and very personal desires, for giving me the gift of more family and with it more opportunities to give and receive love.

To any and all who feel they are stuck in the darkness, I encourage you to choose to reach for the light everyday. Hold onto your faith and cling to hope. Trust God and what He is doing with your life. Don’t fear change and loss because they may be the vehicles for you to receive greater joy. God loves us and He seeks in His time table to grant our heartfelt righteous desires. As we wait on Him we begin to understand His ways and a greater measure of strength and faith flows into our lives. He is always there; there is always hope, and happy endings come.