The One Thing I Need Right Now...

With Christmas done I’ve been thinking about the new year and all of the changes that we are going to be making. I'm putting my house on the market at the end of January, selling most of the things I own, and moving out to a small condo by my kids in Utah.  I won't have seminary or yard work to keep me busy, and I will be leaving friends, extended family and everything I've known and am comfortable with. I don't know where all of this will lead, but it's something I have felt for a while now that God wants me to do.  For me it's a huge step in the dark, or rather a leap off the cliff into the abyss.

If I allow myself, fear can start to creep in and make me worry about how everything is going to work out. This morning I turned to the words of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B Hinckley. He reminded me about the power of faith. Faith in Jesus Christ and in His power to deliver us always dispels fear, and it gives us actual power to move forward and make things happen. When we know we are doing is what God wants us to do, then we can confidently expend our effort, knowing that He will have our back.

A few days ago, I was putting together scrapbook pages as a Christmas present for my kids. On one of the pages, I pasted a picture of my 8 year-old son, Cooper, lifting a heavy barbell. The photograph captured perfectly Cooper’s singleminded effort and determination.  I know all the power to lift that bar didn’t come just from Cooper’s will. I remembered watching Scott help them learn how to lift.  He placed his hands on the bar as well.  He made them struggle through each repetition, but at key moments he provided the additional strength that the boys had not yet acquired so that they could successfully complete their task.

If we can just remember that our Father In Heaven also desires to help us lift heavy burdens in our life, we will have the power to expend our energy with full confidence that the bar will rise.

Paul wrote to Timothy: “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord” (2 Tim. 1:7–8).

When all is said and done Faith is our “only genuine and lasting hope"... and that great "moving power can change our lives.” - G B Hinckley

In our moments of struggling, that concept can be difficult to remember.  I think it is human nature to want to know the end from the beginning, but God's ways are not our ways. Like a headlamp in a dark cave, God’s pattern is to give us just enough information to light the path a few steps in front of us. Even though we cannot see very far ahead, He expects us to take steps forward, trusting that the light will move with us and continue to illuminate our path.

Complaining and wishing to know more will not change God’s pattern. 

• The Red Sea did not part until the children of Israel had their feet in its waters and pharaoh’s army in hot pursuit at their backs.
• The 5000 were not fed until all of the food that could be found was given to the Lord.
• The woman with the issue of blood was not healed until she reached in faith for the Savior's hem

Over and over again in the scriptures, God expects us to act in faith before the miracle occurs. 

Why is this His pattern?

Making us expend our effort first grows our faith.

So when my faith muscle begins to tremble and feels like it's going to give out, I try to remember the promise of this same wise man who practiced using his faith for 97 years.

“It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us.” -Gordon B Hinkley

I know in my life, God has never forsaken me.  Help has always come when it was desperately needed, and it will come again.  All I have to do, is take my first step in the dark. 

5 Years... Has It Been That Long?

(If my experiences have in any way brought healing to you, please take the time to read this post and to give me a ❤️. Thank you for being amazing friends on this journey!)

Yesterday, I told a new friend my story for the very first time. I was reminded all over again of words of direction that came to me as I discovered my husband’s plane had not landed the previous night as planned.

I was standing in front of my bedroom mirror, with the phone in my hand. Time stood still and it was as if my entire future was opened before me. I watched myself sink to the floor and give up. I followed the lives of my children down a very dark path. As I traveled deeper and deeper, I kept repeating in my mind... “there must be a way out... there has to be a way to fix this...” But the more I traveled the more their lives unraveled. Then like a beacon in the night there was light off to my right. In the very moment I turned to the light, I found myself back in front of the mirror with these poignant words forever engraved in my memory...

This was supposed to happen
We choose this
You have to be strong
THIS WILL HEAL MANY HEARTS

I didn’t fully understand those words at that moment, but with them came a power to move forward.

I have found my experience to be very unique. I don’t know why those words were given to me that day, except that I know now they were spoken by my husband to put me on a very specific path. A path that would not only lead to my healing, but to healing the hearts of others.

10 months after my husband’s death I started a blog entitled “Not for Naught: a young Widows journey.” not4naught.blogspot.com I wanted my experiences to count for something. I felt that I had power to testify in a unique way because of the things I had experienced. I felt I had a responsibility to come to the aid of others who were suffering and to help mentor them along a path that God was showing me. Throughout this journey I have tried to be genuine and authentic in both my struggles and my triumphs.

This life is not always easy and it is often filled with sorrow, but I know there is always hope. That hope comes because of Jesus Christ. I have truly come to know Him in my intense moments of suffering as He carries, enables and strengthens me to do more than I could ever do alone.

If in some way, you have felt that power through me, then I want you to know, it’s Him, not me that is the source of light. In a wonderful, miraculous way, He allows me to be present in the process and to feel the byproduct of that light. To each and every person who has felt strengthen by me, I want to thank you in turn for strengthening me and for letting me be part of your story and for becoming part of mine.

I hope to see evidence of the healing these past 5 years have produced, but to truly see it, I would need to add the hearts that each of you have healed because you have reached out, and then the hearts those people have helped to heal. The healing just continues to multiply. I can’t imagine what another 5 years will bring!

Anyone who knew Scott or Patrick would agree that they were beacons of Light to those around them. Their deaths have not extinguished that light, if anything it has multiplied it again and again, allowing them to make more of a difference than perhaps that would have if they have lived.

We honor them by sharing and multiplying the light they gave us. In our struggles and trials we have the greatest opportunity to share that light. People watch what we do when life gets hard. Each of us can use our struggles as an instrument of healing in the lives of others.

Please ❤️ this post if you have felt this in your life and in memory of Scott and his father Patrick, please share it with others today.

Reflections

I haven't written in a long time. Truthfully, I thought I had said everything there was to say, but today as I was reflecting on some recent experiences I had some thoughts that I felt compelled to share.

This week my new daughter-in-law's oldest brother passed away, and a good widow friend of mine reached her one year mark. Needless to say, this week I've had a lot of conversations about death, trials, and God's plan. You would think that all this talking would suck me back into grief. I'll admit there have been moments where I have felt a few pangs, but for the most part what I have felt is extreme gratitude for the things that I have suffered the last five years and how those things have prepared me to be able to help other people who are hurting. There is always a light that fills me and a peace that over powers me when I reach out that makes any residual pain worth it.

After those conversations, I found myself wondering…

What if...

I had died instead of Scott?

What if…

The accident had never happened?

Who then would have helped all of these people?

Now I'm not so enamored with myself to think that God wouldn't have put someone else in their path to help, but it does cause me to reflect. Because each of us is unique, the relationships that we have with other people put us in unique and very individual positions to help. The more I look, the more I see how God is not only in the details of my life, but also in the details of those around me. He has woven an intricate story causing us to intersect and overlap in ways that aid and potential accelerate all of our growth. As I look at the people I have been able to impact, I think back to others who experienced hard things before me and were placed in my path. I have to admit that I would not be where I am without them. I begin to see what an important link we each are in the lives of those that touch ours. That thought encourages me to be a little stronger and brighter, to be a little more courageous. It helps me see purpose in suffering and redemption from tragedy.

So wherever you are in your life experiences, don't become so bogged down in your own suffering to not see the potential you have to touch others because of what you have suffered.

Use it for good.

Don't let your suffering go to waste.

Make it not4naught.